I hate what happens when I stay up late like this. I start seeing and hearing things, the shadows hide more secrets...The hallucinations can't go away. It's difficult to focus your overactive brain on a reality you can't see. Doesn't help that I trust the internet more than a therapist/psychiatrist/any other person I'm supposed to be able to trust/talk to. Can't even get myself help, because I can't trust people anymore, unless it's totally anonymous, and I can hide behind whatever I decide I should be.
I have so many things I want to say to her. So many things I want to do. Just saying "Hi" would be better than where we're at right now. But I'm too much of a coward; too afraid I'll get rejected again. I'm too tired of repeating the same thing over and over and over to even try anymore.
I find it so hard to stop lying now, because I've been doing it for so long. Somedays I can even fool myself about what's true and what's a lie. I barely have to think about them anymore; I can just make a believable lie, a good enough excuse, to not have to share my thoughts and emotions.
I'm so afraid I'll hurt my family if I stop subduing my emotions, and putting my own life on a backburner, and instead focus all my attention on them. I'm afraid if I stop being the remotely "sane" one in the house, it'll all fall apart, and we'll go back to the way things were, where I didn't determine a thing that happened in my life. Here is not much better, I'm still having my life dictated and spoon-fed to me, but now I have some basic freedoms, like an iPod, music, and free-ranging access to the internet. Not that that's gotten my anywhere other than into more trouble, and a worse situation.
I keep having these thoughts of things I could do, things that would make me happier; but they would not only involve effort on my part (practically already a deal breaker), but they would also require money I don't have. Time I don't have. A stable, semi-logical life to build off of that I just don't have.
I have plans for what I want to do, but nothing specific; nothing like "I want to do (specific career here) when I grow up!" more just along the lines of "I'm moving to Seattle as soon as I can." The fact that I'm leaving everything I've worked for doesn't bother me; I have very little here as it is, and what I have is either of no consequence or falling apart as I type this. Atleast I've gotten good at adapting to a new place after moving ump-teen times.
My iPod broke because I was being a dumb ass, and all I can think about is that my friends might be using this time to talk about me. I'm fairly certain I'm a self-centered, arogant ass-hole who doesn't know when to shut up, and has more than a few anger issues. This is a great start for what I plan on doing.
*sigh*
Hey, atleast I have the emptiness of my soul to keep me company. Funny how empty it is in here without someone else to fill it, without someone else to give me a reason to care. Funny how little I have left anymore, how pointless all this seems now. I guess I just need to stop living in my dreams, and focus on the irrelivancies of today. Instead of dreaming big, I guess I should focus on taking care of everyone else around me, just like I always do.
Note: From here on out it's going to be fairly insane and confusing thoughts and ideas, because I'm not going to go back and try to force this to make sense like I did with the rest.
She's inside my head. I can feel her there, eating at me, tring to taje iver, but I won't give her what sje wants; this is my body, and I['m not going to let someone else takei t fromm e, even if that means I dei in the process. I needto go to bed. I haven't slept in a few days; I cantany more, not with my world oin peacis like this. I need ot stop fo ra fer days, and thinkg avout what's been going on in my life, as oppolsed to this constanfdc rush that is mmy life. Iwiohs i ciuld stop andsleep for once, but I cent let go to the feeling that I', going to endup in trouble or hurt if I do go to bed, adnd it huirts.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9702699 times)