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Author Topic: Things that made you sad today thread.  (Read 9773008 times)

chaotic skies

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102705 on: March 05, 2016, 12:54:59 am »

I hate what happens when I stay up late like this. I start seeing and hearing things, the shadows hide more secrets...The hallucinations can't go away. It's difficult to focus your overactive brain on a reality you can't see. Doesn't help that I trust the internet more than a therapist/psychiatrist/any other person I'm supposed to be able to trust/talk to. Can't even get myself help, because I can't trust people anymore, unless it's totally anonymous, and I can hide behind whatever I decide I should be.

I have so many things I want to say to her. So many things I want to do. Just saying "Hi" would be better than where we're at right now. But I'm too much of a coward; too afraid I'll get rejected again. I'm too tired of repeating the same thing over and over and over to even try anymore.

I find it so hard to stop lying now, because I've been doing it for so long. Somedays I can even fool myself about what's true and what's a lie. I barely have to think about them anymore; I can just make a believable lie, a good enough excuse, to not have to share my thoughts and emotions.

I'm so afraid I'll hurt my family if I stop subduing my emotions, and putting my own life on a backburner, and instead focus all my attention on them. I'm afraid if I stop being the remotely "sane" one in the house, it'll all fall apart, and we'll go back to the way things were, where I didn't determine a thing that happened in my life. Here is not much better, I'm still having my life dictated and spoon-fed to me, but now I have some basic freedoms, like an iPod, music, and free-ranging access to the internet. Not that that's gotten my anywhere other than into more trouble, and a worse situation.

I keep having these thoughts of things I could do, things that would make me happier; but they would not only involve effort on my part (practically already a deal breaker), but they would also require money I don't have. Time I don't have. A stable, semi-logical life to build off of that I just don't have.

I have plans for what I want to do, but nothing specific; nothing like "I want to do (specific career here) when I grow up!" more just along the lines of "I'm moving to Seattle as soon as I can." The fact that I'm leaving everything I've worked for doesn't bother me; I have very little here as it is, and what I have is either of no consequence or falling apart as I type this. Atleast I've gotten good at adapting to a new place after moving ump-teen times.

My iPod broke because I was being a dumb ass, and all I can think about is that my friends might be using this time to talk about me. I'm fairly certain I'm a self-centered, arogant ass-hole who doesn't know when to shut up, and has more than a few anger issues. This is a great start for what I plan on doing.

*sigh*

Hey, atleast I have the emptiness of my soul to keep me company. Funny how empty it is in here without someone else to fill it, without someone else to give me a reason to care. Funny how little I have left anymore, how pointless all this seems now. I guess I just need to stop living in my dreams, and focus on the irrelivancies of today. Instead of dreaming big, I guess I should focus on taking care of everyone else around me, just like I always do.



Note: From here on out it's going to be fairly insane and confusing thoughts and ideas, because I'm not going to go back and try to force this to make sense like I did with the rest.

She's inside my head. I can feel her there, eating at me, tring to taje iver, but I won't give her what sje wants; this is my body, and I['m not going  to let someone else takei t fromm e, even if that means I dei in the process. I needto go to bed. I haven't slept in a few days; I cantany more, not with my world oin peacis like this. I need ot stop  fo ra fer days, and thinkg avout what's been going on in my life, as oppolsed to this constanfdc rush that is mmy life. Iwiohs i ciuld stop andsleep for once, but I cent let go to the feeling that I', going to endup in trouble or hurt if I do go to bed, adnd it huirts.
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Orange Wizard

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102706 on: March 05, 2016, 01:13:19 am »

Sounds like you need some sleep, incidentally.
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chaotic skies

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102707 on: March 05, 2016, 01:20:04 am »

Sleep helps. It keeps my mind in a state of total silence for a few hours atleast. Either that or I just have a terrible memory for dreams. Either way, it is a welcome change from whatever the rest of the day is.
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miauw62

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102708 on: March 05, 2016, 05:04:54 am »

tomorrow im going to have to spend the entire day at a family party, for the second week in a row. can't i ever have a complete weekend to relax?
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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102709 on: March 05, 2016, 12:18:18 pm »

So apparently in relation to when I attempted something stupid early last month... Turns out my insurance changed rules of my plan and I didn't realise till now before this happened.

So now I'm in debt because of a hospital trip they refused to cover. God dammit.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102710 on: March 05, 2016, 01:04:22 pm »

...

Ouch...

*applies (platonic) hugs, wishes they had any real way to help*
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Transcendant

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102711 on: March 05, 2016, 07:44:38 pm »

I have a real problem focusing. Working on it with my therapist but really, it's a little nuts.

It's hard to not seem to have complete control over your own mind really. The issue seems to be that I have repeating thoughts. Thankfully I'm not hearing voices or anything right now, but I just have things running through my head that I obcess over.

Think of a broken record playing over and over again. That's basically it really.
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Yoink

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102712 on: March 05, 2016, 10:45:09 pm »

I ordered the nearby Indian restaurant's 'special naan' without realizing it had olives in it. Ew. 
I'd try giving it to the dog to eat, but that would be animal cruelty.
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WillowLuman

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102713 on: March 05, 2016, 10:47:18 pm »

Olives are poisonous to dogs, after all.
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Rose

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102714 on: March 05, 2016, 10:50:11 pm »

Olives don't belong in Indian food. That's just wrong.

To quote my wife on it just now: "Bhat?!"
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Yoink

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102715 on: March 05, 2016, 11:15:06 pm »

Olives don't belong in Indian food. That's just wrong.
Hmm... maybe this is the real reason I like Indian food so much.
Olives are poisonous to dogs, after all.
They're poisonous to everyone, you silly goose!
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MoonyTheHuman

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102716 on: March 05, 2016, 11:29:44 pm »

TheBiggerFish

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102717 on: March 05, 2016, 11:34:06 pm »

The fact a  newbie necroed...  ;~;http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=156202.0
The fact that you don't know that necroing is actually posting after a 120-day threshold.

Not a <one-month threshold.
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It has been determined that Trump is an average unladen swallow travelling northbound at his maximum sustainable speed of -3 Obama-cubits per second in the middle of a class 3 hurricane.

Furtuka

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102718 on: March 05, 2016, 11:42:08 pm »

The fact a  newbie necroed...  ;~;http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=156202.0

You say newbie, but we don't flip out over necros round these parts. Haven't seen any stirs over that since... I'd say four years ago?
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #102719 on: March 05, 2016, 11:43:14 pm »

Heck, Necrothreat much?
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