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[Xantalos]

...this situation of mine troubles my mind enough when I'm awake, now it's starting to creep into my dreams?
Well, looking back it was already happening several months before this. But now it's more obvious.

I also had a glimpse during my dreams of how my unconscious mind thinks of my desires and I'm rather disgusted by how overwhelmingly selfish it was. I know that's kinda the point of it, that the mind's naturally gonna focus on its own well-being and how it can benefit from a situation, but ... is all my affection for her really just a means of self-validation? Do I really care about her as a person (and thus other people) that little? If true, why the fuck have I been telling myself all these lies about selflessness and sacrifice for over a year now? Is it because my worst fear about myself is actually true and I'm just a weak, small coward dressing myself up as being a large and functional person, deluding myself that I actually care for anyone other than me and that other people care about me in turn? That in reality I'm incapable of doing nearly anything except leech off of others that didn't even ask for me to survive, doing nothing but being a burden weighing them down, useless to society, incapable of thinking of anyone besides myself or placing other people in any position of importance in my mind - I mean shit, look at this whole rant, nothing but me, me, me.
...
That's somewhat wrong of course. Just negative conditioning from my past trying to fuck up my perspective again. But it's unpleasant facing it before I even wake up, enduring self-disgust and shame for the way my mind works at a fundamental level, which I of course didn't choose.
...
I need to resolve this scenario. It's been a daunting prospect these last few weeks, and the temptation to keep my peace because she's in a happy scenario and I don't want to ruin it or because I'm too afraid of losing the friendship is strong, but I have to remind myself of moments like these. Where the stress gets to me and my old mental tells start coming back. It's ... it won't fix them entirely, but it'll help reduce the frequency of them. Hopefully.
...
9 years. Possibly more. If I ever have to search for evidence that love/infatuation blinds people and makes them do incredibly stupid things I just have to look back at those 9 years. Gods I wish my mother had never met him.

[SalmonGod]

Uuuuuuuuugh.... I've posted this same complaint a million times, I know... but seriously, why do people have to make each other's lives miserable by getting so emotional about the dumbest, pettiest shit and blowing it out of proportion?  I don't fucking get it.  No one likes being under attack about petty nitpicky bullshit.  So why do so few people have any self-awareness about it when they're the ones on the offensive?  I want to live on a mountain in the middle of fucking nowhere, just so I don't have to deal with people's ridiculous social power games and cliqueish rivalries. 

[Bauglir]

Hm, roommate is considering moving to Georgia. On the one hand, I cannot in good faith condemn any plan to get out of this particular shithole, but on the other, why Georgia of all places, and also it'll make finding a place to stay m'self pretty annoying. I may have to turn back to Craigslist.

[TheBiggerFish]

...

*hugs Xan (platonically), Caroline (because you are probably just encountering other people that are ignoring niceness, not not being nice), SalmonGod (by way of general apology for humanity).*

...Argh, now I'm sad.

[chaotic skies]

Humanity. The general population of the Earth. This saddens me. Yes, there are good people. But they're so few and far between. Most of them end up overrun and hidden under the endless masses of selfish people. I'm no better, either. I go through my day, calculating my every move on some level, trying to find the best outcome for me. Or atleast the one that leaves the fewest people angry at me. I don't think "Oh so-and-so might be hurt and/or angry at me if I do this," it's almost always "I'm going to leave. Let's start damage control now, when I still have a good 5 years till then."

[Trapezohedron]

Something Tiruin may be interested in. Yeah, it IS real.

[BlackHeartKabal]

Humanity. The general population of the Earth. This saddens me. Yes, there are good people. But they're so few and far between. Most of them end up overrun and hidden under the endless masses of selfish people. I'm no better, either. I go through my day, calculating my every move on some level, trying to find the best outcome for me. Or atleast the one that leaves the fewest people angry at me. I don't think "Oh so-and-so might be hurt and/or angry at me if I do this," it's almost always "I'm going to leave. Let's start damage control now, when I still have a good 5 years till then."

Maybe people need to see good people to start taking action and being actively good? Then it starts with you.

[ChairmanPoo]

Humanity. The general population of the Earth. This saddens me. Yes, there are good people. But they're so few and far between. Most of them end up overrun and hidden under the endless masses of selfish people. I'm no better, either. I go through my day, calculating my every move on some level, trying to find the best outcome for me. Or atleast the one that leaves the fewest people angry at me. I don't think "Oh so-and-so might be hurt and/or angry at me if I do this," it's almost always "I'm going to leave. Let's start damage control now, when I still have a good 5 years till then."

Maybe people need to see good people to start taking action and being actively good? Then it starts with you.

https://youtu.be/GDQob4AOCsQ?t=2m26s

[Bauglir]

Too awake. Cannot sleep in preparation for the drive starting at 2:30 this morning. Graaaahhh.

[CaptainMcClellan]

Humanity. The general population of the Earth. This saddens me. Yes, there are good people. But they're so few and far between. Most of them end up overrun and hidden under the endless masses of selfish people. I'm no better, either. I go through my day, calculating my every move on some level, trying to find the best outcome for me. Or atleast the one that leaves the fewest people angry at me. I don't think "Oh so-and-so might be hurt and/or angry at me if I do this," it's almost always "I'm going to leave. Let's start damage control now, when I still have a good 5 years till then."

Maybe people need to see good people to start taking action and being actively good? Then it starts with you.

https://youtu.be/GDQob4AOCsQ?t=2m26s

Eh, would it help to hear of people suffering a terrible job that they're ill-equipped to handle for the sake of beliefs, hope, and a cause despite overwhelming dissenting opinion within and without? Cos if so, I work at a private school that's tuition, scholarship, and donation based and services poverty-ridden communities and make less than 400$/mo. often less than 300$ (it's not technically below minimum wage as long as I only count the hours I'm hired for as opposed to the ones I work ), but I stick with it out of a sense of duty and hope that I really can help them stay afloat and hopefully impact the childrens' lives for the better. Am I still a selfish and often cantankerous person? Yes. But I've actually managed to twist that into doing [what I hope is] good. And so can you. And whenever I can I try to offer encouragement, advice, and friendship ( or at least friendliness ) despite my standoffish and angry nature, to everyone. Hopefully that helps. If not, I'm sure others have better. To answer a few unspoken questions: I get buy on disability and family support and am looking for better gainful employment, I too am often saddened by humanity, and even when I move on to a better job, I'd still like to help people as much as I can muster.

[chaotic skies]

I guess it's not so much that I don't see people helping/being good, I think it's just that I write it off as "They'll want something from me later. Why else would they help me?" in my mind, because that's what I do. It normally means I end up being a good person on accident, but recently I've ended up distancing all my friends, as if I know I'm going to leave. Oh well. Atleast I got to stay here for four years this time. Longest time, actually.

[IronTomato]

I just finished reading Catcher in the Rye.

It feels like I am the only person on the planet with this opinion, but to be honest, Catcher in the Rye is by a huge margin the worst book I have ever read in my life. The whole thing is overanalysed by everyone which only makes it less enjoyable, you've got a protagonist who is basically the result of someone creating the angstiest teen possible without making any actual effort to make him believable or relatable or remotely likable, the plot is basically nonexistent, 90 percent of the book is just Holden talking about how crappy his life is in an effort from the author to use him as sympathy bait which doesn't work because 90 percent of the bad shit in the book wouldn't have happened if he had made any effort to avoid it, Holden's depression feels less like actual depression and sounds more like someone mocking depression and feels extremely forced in general, the writing is poor because Holden repeats pretty much everything he says at least once and uses goddamn swears too fucking much, nothing that happens is ever relevant due to the lack of any plot or conflict of any sort, the ending chapter is TWO PARAGRAPHS LONG, and is essentially Holden saying that he will go to a new school again and maybe start trying to fix things which just further reminds you of how little progress was made throughout the entire thing in a huge anticlimax. But everyone loves it because of how oh so lovable and relatable the protagonist is and call it one of the greatest novels ever written. I fucking hate this book, I'm glad I finished it and I hope I never have to even speak about it again.

There, I said it. You may crucify me now.

[Yoink]

* Yoink measures out a couple of sturdy lengths of timber and begins sawing them into suitable pieces for a large cross.

[penguinofhonor]

My god, IronTomato... I've finally found a kindred spirit. JD Salinger is the worst.

[chaotic skies]

I  never understood the whole "Read this book everyone reads it! You'll love it because they did!" thing people tend to do. Sheakspear is a good example in the US; We're required to read it, whether we want to or not, IIRC. No one really cares what an individual thinks, just so long as they get their paychecks. Needless to say, I don't really like the education system I'm currently stuck in. Although everyone I talk to tells me I have no right to judge it because I'm a part of it, which is exactly why I have every right to judge/critisize it.