Self-improvement is a gradual process. You can't be expected to magically become perfect overnight - you have to work at it. And if you're working at it, that is good.
This is very true. I've been experiencing that with my own tribulations.
Speaking of which, I believe one of the better/worse outcomes for my scenario is starting to be realized - I'm starting to notice definite signs that the person I've fallen for is starting to reciprocate. These range from subtle, such as certain behavioural cues I've started to pick up on, the usage of my name in a certain context - something work-related, the details are too contextual to really make sense - stuff like that, not very noticeable things that might not be picked up by the unobservant/non-obsessively worried, to moderate things that are still deniable, mostly comprised of vague statements that unintentionally imply that I do/could hold some level of attraction for her becoming more frequent and implicit in the last few weeks/months, to the outright obvious, which is mainly some things that were said between us a night or two ago. I won't repeat it, but it went along the lines of how I've been a big source of emotional support over the last while and such. Other things too, but I'll keep that private. None of those on their own mean much of anything, but taken together they begin to form a comprehensible picture. Of course I may be misinterpreting things since my judgement on matters concerning her is far from objective, but I think I've retained enough of my rationality to come to a reasonable conclusion.
While this is ostensibly a good thing for my desires, in practice it isn't very much so because a primary theme of her life in the last few months has been her trouble with her emotions conflicting since she's attracted to both her SO and another guy by different qualities in each - additionally her SO and he'd have begun to drift apart emotionally - combined with the pressure of schoolwork accentuating the stress this is causing her. For obvious reasons, adding a third attraction to this will just make the situation more complicated, and possibly endanger my spot in her good graces, which as I understand I'm in because I help make her life feel less complicated and stressful. This would go against that whole stance if it develops much further. Of course I can't really predict her reaction to it when/if it becomes more of an issue, perhaps I might be lucky enough to be the happy medium between the two of them, plus I haven't actually confessed what I feel yet which grants the whole situation an aspect of deniability.
Overall, it's hard to predict what may happen next, and while I've gotten infinitely better at managing my emotions than I was previously, the anxiety generated from this is still more than I'd like, and I'm not sure how to proceed. While I can't ignore my own emotional wellbeing to the extent that I did before, my primary goal in this is to ensure that she's happy, with me ending up with her as a secondary objective, and pursuing thst secondary may clash with the primary, except it's hard to judge whether it will or won't, especially with this new suspected complication coming down the pipe.
Also, people from work are starting to notice my attraction. My fault, since I've made it a habit to visit on days when I'm off and she's working and I don't have the heart to stop doing that, and it's become consistent enough that a few people are starting to give me knowing looks and make slight verbal allusions to the subject. Ultimately, this whole situation has an air of impermanence to it. Things are going to be changing soon, I can feel it. I only hope I manage to navigate it enough to end up in a fortunate position.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9712878 times)