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[MoonyTheHuman]

my new attempt at modding a creature in failed... ):
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=156436.msg6825215#

[Trapezohedron]

A great majority of the girls I've met IRL are those who simply exist and don't share the unusual hobbies of gaming and such. These are the girls who enjoy either beaches or clubs, whichever is their disposition over such things, and various TV shows.

Yeah, I'm not likely to gain their interest at all, what with my primary interests being Gaming, non-tv related shows and other things not related to fawning over Zayn Malik or so on. I've since come to terms with it really.

What really broke me is the constant wave of discouragement I received from days prior, and I'm left alone post-depression without any job to do, which I wasn't supposed to do in the first place due to me having an explicit agreement that wasn't really heeded with my siblings that I wouldn't work in the family business because it will disrupt my school life, and so it has.

And right now, I can't seem to find the will to keep going anymore; I'm tired. If it takes you 2+ days to finish a 4 pager paper, something really is wrong.

[Amperzand]

Or it's really hard to write, or includes difficult factors. Speaking from the perspective of my precalculus class, four days to finish one of the Projects is hardly excessive.

[TheBiggerFish]

*(platonic) hugs*

Also, 2 days for a 4-page paper isn't bad...

Or it's really hard to write, or includes difficult factors.

[Bauglir]

@miauw62

In my experience, everything you say you want is not something that can be got by pursuit. You will never shed misery by running from it, you will never make friends with girls by trying to do exactly that, and relying on your talents will never make you feel as if you have accomplished something. Making your pain the focus of your life will make it stay that way. Conversations are a byproduct of interaction, not the goal, and nobody wants to feel like they're just a convenient target that happens to match your criteria. Accomplishment is gotten from achieving difficult things, often after many failures, while talent makes things less difficult.

It's hard, overcoming these things. It requires a change of perspective. It requires rejecting the parts of yourself that are making you miserable.

Here's the easiest one - talk about that generic stuff. It's awkward filler, sure. It is for almost everybody. They do it because that's how they get friends - by demonstrating that they're interested enough in talking that they're willing to talk about that sort of stuff. If you don't have any shared, unusual interests to start with, that's all you've got. The thing you need to realize is that people change. They might not share your interests now, but what comes off as an awkwardly forced choice of topic with a stranger becomes an interesting, quirky hobby with a friend. When somebody already knows they like you, they are much likelier to be accepting of things you like. You'll probably pick up some of their interests, too, even ones you might have disdained before.

It's hard to change yourself that way. Most people don't even try. It is painful. Unless you luck out, there isn't a life that isn't. Figuring out why, or if, it's worth it is a challenge you'll have to overcome, but that challenge is a lot easier than hoping the pain just goes away.

[Trapezohedron]

*(platonic) hugs*

Also, 2 days for a 4-page paper isn't bad...

Or it's really hard to write, or includes difficult factors.

It kind of is, when you have 3 more papers to go, and certainly more when the next few days pass by and another project is held.

[TheBiggerFish]

No, 2 days for a 4 page paper is not bad, no matter how much other homework you have.  It may be bad planning to have only done it now, though, but you might want to talk to your teachers or whatever counseling/guidance department equivalent about this.  They might provide some leniency.

[Transcendant]

I talked to my therapist, and I think I know part of what's been screwing me up with depression and anxiety:

I lost the mental connection between work and reward (because I got screwed over essentially).

I go to do things, and then don't because I feel like I'm gonna get screwed over and exhausted, wasting what little energy I have. Trying to figure out a way to deal with this and just screaming at myself to do things doesn't seem to help, oddly enough.

[TheBiggerFish]

...
*hugs (platonically)*

Maybe you should try re-establishing the work/reward relationship?  Like, do a task, give yourself something.

[miauw62]

@miauw62

In my experience, everything you say you want is not something that can be got by pursuit. You will never shed misery by running from it, you will never make friends with girls by trying to do exactly that, and relying on your talents will never make you feel as if you have accomplished something. Making your pain the focus of your life will make it stay that way. Conversations are a byproduct of interaction, not the goal, and nobody wants to feel like they're just a convenient target that happens to match your criteria. Accomplishment is gotten from achieving difficult things, often after many failures, while talent makes things less difficult.

It's hard, overcoming these things. It requires a change of perspective. It requires rejecting the parts of yourself that are making you miserable.

Here's the easiest one - talk about that generic stuff. It's awkward filler, sure. It is for almost everybody. They do it because that's how they get friends - by demonstrating that they're interested enough in talking that they're willing to talk about that sort of stuff. If you don't have any shared, unusual interests to start with, that's all you've got. The thing you need to realize is that people change. They might not share your interests now, but what comes off as an awkwardly forced choice of topic with a stranger becomes an interesting, quirky hobby with a friend. When somebody already knows they like you, they are much likelier to be accepting of things you like. You'll probably pick up some of their interests, too, even ones you might have disdained before.

It's hard to change yourself that way. Most people don't even try. It is painful. Unless you luck out, there isn't a life that isn't. Figuring out why, or if, it's worth it is a challenge you'll have to overcome, but that challenge is a lot easier than hoping the pain just goes away.

there's only so many times you can fail before you start doubting if failing all the time is ever going to be worth it

What are you trying to say? first you tell me not to pursue people and then you tell me me to talk to random people about awkward filler? im really fucking interested in talking, but nobody else is interested in talking to me. i just don't understand

[Itnetlolor]

Kinda comforting I'm not the only one that has issues with crap like this. Personally, going to a therapist will only fix the issues within, and not without. Though fixing oneself (with some assistance) is pretty much standard protocol for this crap; it's not always the most effective, or doesn't usually yield positive or otherwise tangible results (even negative results would work; at least it would be visible).

Sometimes, I feel it best to let the beast/devil within out of the system once in awhile to ventilate the spirit. It'll creep people out, naturally, unless you contain or isolate it more privately, or in a more easily receptive manner. Basically, whenever I'm in this mindset, always a good reliever of this stress is booting up a game that has sandbox elements (GTA, Garry's Mod, Minecraft; more power to you if in VR), get a bunch of valuable crap, NPCs, etc., and blow them to kingdom come; or in the case of NPCs, make elaborate, and even ridiculous, ways to ruin their day. Go nuts, and wreck shit until you're exhausted, or run out of ideas to vent your rage/depression/etc.; then return to reality without having your inner demons cause any more hassle. Of course, make sure to backup your saves/worlds/etc. first. Don't want to do anything we would regret later on.

So far, I still have those doubts you mentioned: "Is all this failure eventually going to pay off?", so far, not really. Only other result that forms is pissing me off by another 1.01x more; stack by years accumulated of failure, adjust for inflation of evolving social jackassery. In summary, my impatience count is pretty high, and I was a saint where my patience was regarded; nowadays, I'm practically a shameless sinner looking for the simplest answers and any possible shortcuts that are legal.

It's a shame that there's no cheat codes to life, or that life has what I would call a "Reality Barrier" on everything; so basically, it's gonna suck regardless, unless you have found a way to become a total karma houdini.

[Trapezohedron]

Well, consider the fact that time invested in romance does not exactly equate to its permanence. If you find it hard to attach to an ideal for very long, you might end up giving up much earlier, or maybe your other party will.

So I suppose the chance of failure isn't as worthwhile to me as it is for others.

As for pretenses of being interesting, I just end up making fun of everything and bullying others (in a joking, teasing manner, that came out really bad), and my only other emotional outlet to allow me to remain relevant as well as retaining my sanity in terms of being somewhat true to myself in the fact that I am rather scatterbrained, I just end up joking about lewd topics 75% of the time. To capture peoples' attentions, you'll need to find a common ground, and then once there, you should prepare yourself with generic topics before asking people on an outing and perhaps eventually on a date.

[Bauglir]

I am sorry for being unclear! That is pretty entirely my fault, rereading it. What I meant to say is, you are unlikely to succeed if you are trying to talk to people for the sake of being the sort of person who talks to people. Treating the person you talk to as a tool in that quest tends to lead to approaches like trying to start up an unprompted conversation about your own interests, and giving up if they are not shared. That conversation is ultimately about you - about what you care about, and to satisfy a need you have. There's nothing morally wrong with that, but in general only people who are already your friend care about either of those things, so it's impractical.

You do better by treating the conversation as its own reward. Which you're clearly not doing, if you think being generic or filler is a relevant criticism. Which isn't meant to be insulting, I felt exactly the same until I was... oh, 7 or 8 years older than you, if your profile is to judge by. Those conversations aren't meaningful for the explicit textual content, they're meaningful for the social cues they allow people to share, including "I am willing to talk about literally anything as long as it's with you", as well as for the ability to explore a personality through things like speech patterns and how they emote.

Also, speaking of your age, if your profile is accurate, I would highly recommend you leave off on questions of how long you can keep on failing. I'm not saying that your pain isn't real or meaningful or any of that bullshit people say about teenagers in order to feel smug. It absolutely is real and meaningful, and it is absolutely shitty that you have to put up with it. What I'm saying is that your life is going to have so many changes over the next decade that there is no realistic way to predict it. You have no grounds for predicting a continued failure forever, just as I have no grounds for predicting sudden success.

[chaotic skies]

I feel so fucking empty and cold. I don't even care about school anymore, and wish I could just lie in bed all day. I don't even want to get up to plug in my laptop and play games anymore, because I don't see the point. All I want is to be left alone, to catch up with myself, see what's been happening in my own life for the past three years, but I can't. I get up, I go to school. I come home to deal with my parent's shit, and start shit just to find some twisted feeling of happiness. I don't think I'm sane anymore, and I feel like the life I've built for myself in the past few years is slipping away again. All I want is a chance to slow down and take things at my own pace, but I can't, and I hate it. I can't even cry about it anymore, because I'm so stuck in this facade of the emotionless rock that doesn't give a fuck what happens, and just wants to see everyone get along. When in reality, I can't stop seeing everyone I know die, by my hand. And I enjoy it. The only reason I'm not in prison is because I don't want to deal with that pile of shit. I could go kill three people right now if I wanted. Four, if you can see me as a person anymore. GF I lost? I had been thinking of ways to hurt her for weeks. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know I can, and that brings me a sick feeling of satisfaction.

[TheBiggerFish]

...
*hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, HUGS*

PLEASE don't do anything you won't have a chance to regret.

PM me if you want.

And you are still a person.  I see you as a person.  Don't see yourself as not a person.