I tried to respond to all of you, but after a while I decided that it makes no sense. I need to write out the whole history of my fucking life, it seems. It's still very short version, but here it is...
Due to various reasons I spent most of my early childhood pretty alone, I lived quite far away from... villages or cities. Basically, only house (mind you, it had all the modern house things, and I had (shitty, but hey) internet connection since I remember, which is something when we're talking about Poland) in like two kilometers around, and with like five to nearest village. While this doesn't seem as long distance, for a five year old it is, especially if you had to go through a forest, and later on, after I went to school and whatnot, I didin't really felt the need to go anywhere. I was fine with myself for company, walking around the forest and riding a bike or spending time playing computer games. I wasn't complete outcast, mind you, I had friends and sometimes even visited them for various reasons and had my own shovelful of school loves and other related bullshit, but I always were a bit... outside. Then I changed schools, in meantime my father (which, I later realized, I never truly knew since he spent most of his time in work) died, other assorted sad stuff went on and I had to go through the worst stage of education, which caused me to become anxious, depressed and basically miserable. It was hard, but in the end I went with "yeah, sure, the world is against me but it wouldn't be fair otherwise", and I decided to give it another chance... and that's where I got back on my legs, fleshed out who I am, got rid of psychological problems I had, met my friends and... her. It was the greatest time I had, I found my place in life, and while I had no idea or real plans for future and the life had a purpose.
Well, then, first of all rejection. Then friends rejected me, I guess they felt it was either her or me. It's hard to really explain and at this point I don't even really see the point, but in the end it seems that people I trusted either lied to me and about me, or stopped trusting me due to the previous ones. As for my family, half is dead, the other half doesn't give a shit. My mother is having her own trouble right now, I've got a metric fuckton of things I was supposed to do and I just can't find strenght to do them. People are dissapointed because I am not as... energetic and reliable as before. People I would want to help me, the ones that I trusted, won't, other people just want something from me and can't fuck off. Everything bad that ever has happened to me is basically coming back and hurts like goddamn hell... after writing it down it doesn't exactly seem like much, a lot of people have it worse than me but... yeah, fuck that. No matter how hard I'm telling myself it's not about that, how hard I'm trying to find other reasons, it's still all about her proably. I could deal with anything, losing all the friends, which I proably am responsible for since I vented on them, everything, just not... losing her. I know it's bloody childlish and sounds retarded and whatnot, but I still love her and it's the only one thing I can't get over with, even if I don't want it to be this way. Seriously, I know how it sounds, I know all the reasonable talk, I gave it to people more than few times and always considered that it's working, I tried my best to get over it, I tried to reasonably talk with her, I thought I did for a while but in the end it just doesn't matter. I'm trapped.