Comparing to before - not bad. Trying my darnest to hate her as much as she hates me, for whatever reason, but that apparently doesn't work and proably leads only to auto-destruction, yet still I guess that is better than anything else I am capable of trying. I'm more worried about monday and subsequent days, because, well, you can avoid going out of the house only for so long and I will proably start seeing her again.
In all my selfishness I can hope that she will finally break up with him, because, well, sunshine all the time makes a desert, but I don't really hope for anything else than her getting her shit together, noticing that she literally stopped talking with all her friends and maybe, just maybe, make peace with me. Somehow. If that's still possible. And it might give me just enough time to make peace with myself.
Actually, I'm angry at myself beause as much as I want to tell myself it's not only me (yeah, Xantalos, you're right even if I don't want you to be), but goddamnit. I'm a fucking coward that I even told her what I feel, I could have just... keept away and everyone would be happier. I could just... stop caring like everyone is telling me to. I could just... I don't fucking know, get over with it? After all, I had so much time to make her fall in love with me. I thought I could either wait until she gives me a signal that she might feel something or live with it if she doesn't... but in the end I missed the signal, if it ever happened, and can't get over it.
But the worst thing of it all is that I STILL FUCKING LOVE HER, IT'S
UGH