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[Spehss _]

On the one hand, one more week of college this semester.

On the other hand, one last week of finals and going out in public and driving to classes and being in classes with a bunch of other people and a weekend of studying and uuuuuugh I just want to be done already.

[Emma]

* Yoink hurriedly throws up a psychic screen to deflect that mental image.

Phew, that was close. I did not need the mental scars that would be caused by imagining my housemate/s acting in a porno.
Anyway they seem to have gone, now. Good. Time to get some breakfast.

Yoink, it's 4 in the afternoon, it is not breakfast time.

[MaximumZero]

* Yoink hurriedly throws up a psychic screen to deflect that mental image.

Phew, that was close. I did not need the mental scars that would be caused by imagining my housemate/s acting in a porno.
Anyway they seem to have gone, now. Good. Time to get some breakfast.

Yoink, it's 4 in the afternoon, it is not breakfast time.

I don't know what you're on about. It's just after midnight.

[Yoink]

* Yoink hurriedly throws up a psychic screen to deflect that mental image.

Phew, that was close. I did not need the mental scars that would be caused by imagining my housemate/s acting in a porno.
Anyway they seem to have gone, now. Good. Time to get some breakfast.

Yoink, it's 4 in the afternoon, it is not breakfast time.

I hadn't eaten today, so technically I was still breaking my 'fast'. So there.

[highmax28]

Losing my fucking mind.

I've been hostile towards everyone because of my workload and I'm still not even close to being done. I can't do certain things and I'm cramming most of my shit right now. Throw in that the shit with the girl I like has really been making me feel terrible, I'm somewhere between breaking down and crying and going on a psychotic rampage. Hell, I almost hit the girl I like because she scratched my back while I was doing work (I don't like getting my back touched because I've been bullied for years and the fact I have a paranoid fear of not knowing whats around me (makes my fear of the dark even worse), I tend to strike people who touch my back).

I'm trying to get my work done and I've just finished the online exams. Now I need to figure out microsoft azure... The problem is I can't install azure powershell onto server 2012. If any of you could help me with that, PM me.

Now the girl problems: I already said I went on no contact with her, but on tuesday, we started talking again, and I already knew I fucked up royally on that. How do I know this? She's closer with a lot of other guys now, she doesn't let me touch her neck anymore, she doesn't even come talk to me except when she either wants something or I start the conversation (she will go out of her way again to talk to others (not just my scumbag teacher either, and more about him later)), she barely wants hugs anymore, she won't even say bye to me when I leave and despite her telling me she still wants to make our friendship work, I'm reluctant to beleive her because when we agreed on the no contact, she told me later that she didn't even WANT it to happen and that if it went on, she would have cut me off entirely. She even told me bacuse of that, she was going to cut me out of her life completely because I was seen as a toxic person in her life.

And before you start crucifying me, I already asked her if she suggested we continue to try and fix our friendship because it would hurt me if she said no, and she told me no, that it was because she didn't want to cut me out of her life entirely. She has told me also today that she wants to be left alone because people won't leave her be and she doesn't want to be touched, and I told her that fine and I'll not do it and I told her i'll ask before I do anything (from hugs to head scratches, etc.) and during this, she still felt the need to hug me. And another thing was I fucked up because I briefly told her how much I spewed about how much I like her when a friend of mine came up and said "Oh, YOU'RE Evangeline" and the girl I like (Evangeline) got really scared and upset about it. I tried to dodge it by saying it was nothing bad towards her but it was bad in general because if I told her what I told others (like on here), I would only hurt our already shattered friendship even more. And she kept pressing it, and I told her I can't tell her, and she said it would only stress her out more and I told her that it had to do with telling her how I truly felt about her and how it sounded obsessive. Right there, she cut off and left for class after giving me a hug.

And the worst part is I know I've been replaced, and I know that she's scared of me leaving again, and I know that I can't have her right now, and I told her that I know I can't be with her now and I have no problem with waiting. But if she doesn't like me the way I like her, I have to accept it. I can't change her mind. And if she doesn't want to be my friend (and she says she does, but after what happened, I don't know if I can take her word fully because obviously, shes lost her trust in me) then I have to take my leave.

I still like this girl a lot, and I'm at the point where I WANT to give up and just stop trying to be there for her because she seems she doesn't want me to, but at the same time, I'm willing to fight to fix our friendship because I don't want to lose that bond we had. The worst part is, I'm thinking telling her my inventories added to the fact she may be scared of me because it shows I was volatile and though I've went through changes, I still have that volatile tendency, as she has seen with me growing aggravated with my schoolwork (its been a rough week), and I think it scared her.

I'm scared that I will lose her as a friend and that she's scared to end it with me because I'm a monster in her eyes... I care so much about her that when she told me that she self harmed on the day we stopped talking, I wanted to punch a brick wall in frustration because I FUCKING HURT HER. And, I told her this, I can never forgive myself for what I did to her, and she may think its fine, but its not. It fucking hurts when you... I'm going to get shot for this... Love someone and you hurt them so badly, they hurt themselves more just to ignore the pain you gave them. I can't fucking get over it. I hurt her and I abandoned her when she needed me most (and she told me she was hitting a rough patch and I was fucking selfish to try and better myself when all I fucking had to do was be there for her. And now I'm convinced she's trying to sever me from her life because she can't stand being hurt again).

I don't think any of you understand how strong my emotions get when someone tells me about their pain, their fears, their sorrows, or anything similar because I'm an empath. So when I say that when I saw her marks on her wrists from the razors THAT I FUCKING CAUSED BY ABANDONING HER and I felt probably a fraction of the emotional trauma I caused her, words cannot describe the pain I felt. It was like ripping out your heart and tearing it in two. So if that was merely a taste of what SHE probably felt, I can't fucking forgive myself. She can tell me that she accepts my apology all she wants (and I don't even think she did) but I will NEVER be ok with myself that I hurt this amazing woman and left her in her time of need when I'm sitting here on bay12 saying how I want to be there for her AND I LEFT WHEN SHE NEEDED ME MOST BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE WHO DOESN'T FUCKING DESERVE SOMEONE AS AMAZING AS HER.

This is why I'm so scared right now and I'm so emotionally wrecked with her... Even if I waited and I did everything right to fix our friendship, and even if we got back to the part where we were at before or even closer, I guarantee that she will still pick someone else over me because there is nothing I can give her that someone else is already giving or can give her, and everyone else is much more suited and mentally stable to be with her AND THEY'RE NOT FUCKING SCARED.

And me? I'm a fucking selfish dry alcoholic who's scared of the fucking dark, builds with fucking lego like a fucking child, can't be emotionally sound, can't keep his word when he says something, can't fucking protect those he cares for, and can't even do anything to prove he's better at something than others. There is NOT ONE FUCKING THING I AM GOOD AT THAT MY FUCKING PEERS, THAT I FUCKING HATE, CAN DO BETTER THAN ME. AND I FUCKING HATE IT. There is not a single redeeming quality to me that outweighs the bad about me. I'm loyal, kind, devoted, protective, and caring, but I'm also selfish, impulsive, jealous, fearful, childish, anti-social, gynophobic (yes, I'm scared of women), easily angered, clumsy, spiteful, emotionally unstable, alcoholic and pushy.

Even if I somehow get over her, I guarantee that I won't have a girlfriend because I'm a fucking dunce and a dry alcoholic. Why on earth would ANYONE want to be with someone like that? And the worst part is, I know I can change, but I can't change in time for Evangeline and I know I won't be able to change enough to be desirable for years to come.

If I could go back and change one thing, it would be to not leave her...

[NullForceOmega]

Whoa Highmax, calm down a step and breathe.  Halt the emotional rollercoaster and focus, you can keep it together if you hold focus.  That is a huge emotiondump and you're just dropping it like a bomb, there's no way to sort all of that at once, so pick something small and work on it until you've got it locked down, then move on to the next item.

[highmax28]

Whoa Highmax, calm down a step and breathe.  Halt the emotional rollercoaster and focus, you can keep it together if you hold focus.  That is a huge emotiondump and you're just dropping it like a bomb, there's no way to sort all of that at once, so pick something small and work on it until you've got it locked down, then move on to the next item.

I can't even fucking sleep, that's how bothered I am by this.

I'm having half-dreams of myself killing people again, and getting so emotionally hurt that I'm on the verge of crying again.

I've killed one of the best friendships I had and I don't even think I have a chance to revive it; not only because there are people who are better than me, but because I'm convinced she doesn't have any intentions of letting it get more than it is, if you can call whatever we have right now anything... She barely treats me as a friend now. Only reason why she came up to me to talk to me was to steal my jacket, and she ran off with it to talk to my scumbag teacher. I feel dirty knowing that she wore my jacket hugging this guy.

I fucking hate it. I fucking hate everyone she hangs out with, and I've hated them long before I met her too. I admit I felt welcomed when I wasn't there and with other people, and even wandering, I felt better. I didn't feel left out, I didn't feel jealous and I felt part of something. There? I'm a fucking tool

[Sergarr]

being sick suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks D:

[Orange Wizard]

~~~

That's a really crappy situation to be in.

My advice would mostly be (a) talk to her and (b) take a break. If you're not happy with the state your relationship is in, make sure she knows. You also need to take some time off and let out all the stress you've built up. Stress is doubleplusungood.

Also, maybe you could consider cutting out the relationship completely if it really is untenable. Obviously this is last-ditch damage control for your own sanity, but... that's really for you to decide.

[highmax28]

~~~

That's a really crappy situation to be in.

My advice would mostly be (a) talk to her and (b) take a break. If you're not happy with the state your relationship is in, make sure she knows. You also need to take some time off and let out all the stress you've built up. Stress is doubleplusungood.

Also, maybe you could consider cutting out the relationship completely if it really is untenable. Obviously this is last-ditch damage control for your own sanity, but... that's really for you to decide.

A break is what got me in this mess in the first place. I want to talk to her, but she distances herself from me. I can't even send her texts without accepting she might not even respond to them.

[scrdest]

~~~

That's a really crappy situation to be in.

My advice would mostly be (a) talk to her and (b) take a break. If you're not happy with the state your relationship is in, make sure she knows. You also need to take some time off and let out all the stress you've built up. Stress is doubleplusungood.

Also, maybe you could consider cutting out the relationship completely if it really is untenable. Obviously this is last-ditch damage control for your own sanity, but... that's really for you to decide.

A break is what got me in this mess in the first place. I want to talk to her, but she distances herself from me. I can't even send her texts without accepting she might not even respond to them.

If she's the one keeping distance while you aren't, that's not a break.

[miauw62]

i cant actually stand typing this again right now sorry (so i'll just copypaste from irc)
<Miauw> bleh, i came out of the classroom where i had my finals and i happened to pass my crush so i started talking to her and we left the school building
<Miauw> and we were standing outside and a dude joins the conversation and it was really fucking obvious that this was her bf

fml

[TempAcc]

So, want to get your daily dose of funny, sad and creepy (REALLY CREEPY) at the same time? Watch this.

[Jopax]

I could really use a cigarette right about now. They always were best at numbing my brain down to comfortable levels. Because I really don't feel like existing at the moment. But I have stuff and people who may or may not depend upon me in some way so not existing isn't an option for the time being :V

[Neonivek]

I was watching One Punch Man and it was quickly becoming my favorite show, I love soo many of its characters and even if I don't laugh it is one of the best written shows I've seen in a while.

But... goodness

There is a character in it called Puri Puri Prisoner and he is basically an over the top gay stereotype who was put in jail for being a serial rapist... whose last scene is him trying, and failing, to drug two hospital patients.

All from Japan a country that constantly mocks the gay community and basically makes them a total joke... With a character who wasn't even over the top for their own stereotypes.

... I feel absolutely horrible...

This is like if I was watching the Sound of Music and getting into it... and suddenly a "Minstrel" (Black Face) appears and acts like a monkey and is named Jim Crow.

This is probably the worst I ever felt watching anime.