**SPEWING WARNING** I'm pretty much just going to let go all of my thoughts and feelings right now onto the forums. If you get upset over this, don't take it personally.
I think I'm losing my fucking mind. I apologize in advance because I know I tend to swear a lot after I got out of rehab, and this might end up having a lot of them for once.
So as I said almost a week ago (just a recap, skip to next paragraph if you already know), I REALLY like this girl and I've been fucking myself up with how things are going with her and how she really likes cuddling me and petting my head and hugging me, and as I said before, she does this to MY FUCKING BITCH OF A TEACHER who just got hired as a teacher. Except he's taken, and he's fucking charismatic as fuck. And throw in on this, she's kissed me twice on the cheek now and she's the first person to admit that she's sexually attracted to me and she likes me, but I don't know if she still thinks that way.
And now I think I fucked it all up.
I told her everything going on in my head and I even went as far as to actually tell her I love her (which was a horrible mistake, especially when I tried to "save" it by reminding her I say that to all my guy friends all the time). I told her about my thoughts on my teacher, about how she leaves my side to go to him, how my insecurities lead me to thinking that she'll fuck him despite him being taken because he's a self admitted slut (and it doesn't help that my mind went and said "if he'll cheat on his last girlfriend to go with the girl he's with now, and he denied being taken, what's stopping him from cheating on her to fuck this girl?"). I also told her that I'm getting close if not already there to being possessive of her even though she isn't even dating me (she's single now, as she broke up with her boyfriend last week, but she told me she doesn't want a relationship). I even told her that I was so upset and angry with her and the whole situation that I was going to pretty much eject her out of my life because I knew it would hurt her.
She told me she's glad I was honest and she respected me because of it, but I swear to god, the things I told her... If I didn't hurt her, I'm utterly shocked. We talked for a bit about things and then, a bit while longer after I mentioned it, she asked if it would be ok if she and I stopped talking for awhile so I can clear my head from all the bad (didn't even think about herself, and my head went that it would help us both, since she said she needed to "find herself" as she put it).
And I told her that going on "no contact" (as rehab calls it) might help and we agreed that the earliest would be New Years Day (I said it may even be longer, because I don't even know if a month and a half will actually be enough time to get over my shit). Then she told me she was crying since I mentioned it, and it hurt us both. And I fucked up royally with this because now I can't stop thinking about her. I fucking miss her and I can't do anything about it.
And one last thing she told me when we saw each other the next day to say our temporary goodbyes (and she mentioned this last night) that she's sorry and refused to tell me something in regards to something that will make me hate her and it involved something we talked about that night.
And the only things I can think of that would make her think I would hate her would be on the topics of Freinds with Benefits (which I said I don't agree with it because one party will always want more), the definition of a whore (I told her my idea of it is if I go up to a girl, and my whole purpose of getting with her is to fuck her and I don't even have the courtesy or respect for her to not only put a condom on but to completely ignore her and never talk to her again (and of course, no desire for a relationship), I would be a whore), my thoughts that every girl in the area we hang out in wants to fuck my teacher (she denied she wants to, but I don't even know anymore honestly), and my thoughts and insecurities. And this fucks me up because I don't even know which one she would be referring to, but when I was talking to my coworkers about it, one of them stated "what if she wanted to be FWB with you?" and I told her (my coworker) that if I did, I would end up getting so possessive that I would do almost everything in my power to make it a full on relationship. Throw in I'm still a virgin and to throw it away on a moment of emotionless and probably unsatisfactory sex (because this girl tells me that she doesn't enjoy normal sex but has her kinks, I'm 99% certain there is nothing I can give to her that would please her in that area. And that's something I told her about as well, now that I think about it. And, going into my head with this or perhaps it may be the truth, knowing that my first time in sex will almost guaranteed be with a non-virgin, I am certain I will NOT be able to make it pleasurable for the one I lose my virginity to. She tells me otherwise, but I think that's more of a reassurance...). Another thought came up and said what if she was going to tell me she was or is FWB with another guy? And then I realized how crushed and heartbroken I would be, but I'm not sure if I would HATE her for it. Going off the fact at first, I was thinking "oh, its something bad she's done before" when it was in the moment (because when you're in rehab, you hear some horror stories, and by now, I've heard almost EVERYTHING) but thinking about this is fucking my head up SO much that I'm scared that if I ask about her, she took this opportunity of my absence to fuck people who COULD give her the pleasure. And then I remember, again, she's a "grey asexual" (her definition is shes more aroused by the bonds and friendships rather than the physical appearances) and that she doesn't get aroused easily (as kind of stated before) and the only person I know she likes as much (if not more than me, though she said before she liked me more than him (and I don't even think this holds up any more after this fuck up)) is again, my teacher.
I brought up a lot of this to my sponsor Saturday evening (the revelation of what she might have been referring to only happened at 3:00pm yesterday, so I haven't talked to him about it) and he told me to do the one thing I didn't want to: tell my group leader. Why am I scared to do it? That he'll tell me to never talk to her again or be her friend or care about her. And if I'm missing her this badly in less than a week (we stopped talking as of Thursday) and the fact this is killing me so much, I'm pretty sure he's going to say never talk to her again and cut her out entirely. The only worse thing he could tell me is "ask her out or don't ever talk to her". Knowing the fact that if I do this, it will pressure her into thinking if she says no, she won't be able to see me anymore. And that's the last thing I want to do, is to force her to do anything.
I've fucked this up so badly that I don't even know how she still wants to be my friend, let alone actually cry and get upset over the fact she won't be able to see or hear from me till January (and she did. We were talking over the phone when it happened). I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know what to do about her, and I don't know how I'm going to tell my group leader about her.
AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, I have tackled exactly why I get so insecure about her AND YET I CAN'T FUCKING ACCEPT IT. I get insecure because I feel scared to lose her and I feel vastly inferiror and not good enough compared to everyone else she talks to. I'm scared of hurting her with things I say so I watch myself around her. I'm scared of scaring her away, so I avoid getting too cuddly or clingy. I feel alone because everyone around me where we hung out, except for her, doesn't care about my presence, insults me for being a virgin, ridicules me for who I am, and they never want to include me and are reluctant to do so when I ask, and she seems to be the only one who actually acknowledges that I'm there (I changed this by hanging out with people who DO care about me). And I'm not making this shit up, one of their jokes that was the final straw was "maybe I should put my keys with your virginity because you'll never lose it". I get sad and lonely when she gets up and ignores me just to cuddle and hug my teacher and talks to him. I've always felt inferior with my teacher (who, not too long ago, was a sort of classmate) because he is like me, but much more charismatic, much smarter, better looking, and ALWAYS seems to be better than me at EVERYTHING, to the point when I feel accomplished about something, he slays the feeling of pride as quickly as it came. I shit you not, this has been happening for years, and this past couple weeks has made me more and more want to fucking kill him. He started to throw around his power as a teacher in my face, threatening to fail me and, internally, I lost it on him. My rebuke though was I can get him fired for doing so (which was TAME compared to what I was thinking). And I got so hostile towards him that when he asked if I was going to hang out in the area we hang out in on Friday when I left his class, I told him I'm not going back there anymore and left. I might as well gave him the finger, because I pretty much did just that. I'm also upset because I want to be with this girl and be there for her when she's having rough days and be there to help her when she needs someone, but instead, she seeks MY FUCKING TEACHER when things aren't good. And when he's gone? She goes to me. And I told her about this as well. My buddy on here told me it has to do with the idea of "alpha/beta" and when the "alpha" is gone, she will go to the "beta" who will give her what the "alpha" gives her, but she doesn't want to be with the alpha. And of course, in this situation, I'm the fucking beta. I'm hurt because I feel I hurt her and I can't get over how guilty I feel because of it. I'm also hurt because I felt, for a moment, that she deserved to feel the hurt I felt. I feel scared because at any moment, she could renounce her thoughts of not wanting to be in a relationship and get with someone. I feel paranoid because I don't know what she was referring to, and I want to know but I can't ask her and I don't think its my place to ask. I feel selfish now because I realized I made the last statement about myself. I feel vulnerable because she has knowledge that could easily hurt me... But I feel reassured because I feel I can trust her. I feel selfish again because I can trust her with my deepest secrets and my past and not trust her word on what she said before. I feel childish because I treated this woman poorly and I felt obligated to continue to hug her, cuddle with her, pet her head, stroke her hair, rub her back, kiss her forehead because she did it to me, despite the fact I knew it was wrong to do it outside of a relationship and her being in one at the time of most of these. I feel stupid because I took something that most people don't get to see or have in their lifetime, someone of the opposite gender with a deep connection and a great sense of trust and not having to be in a relationship, and I fucked it all up. I feel sad because I feel like I ruined a great friendship over my fantasies, lust and desire. I feel guilty for all the problems I have caused to her and all the hurt I have done to her. I feel frustrated because I can't apologize for what I did right away, and that I tried to take matters into my own hands. I feel hurt that I hurt someone I truly thought I cared so much about when in truth, I was too caught up in hating myself to care about her. I feel disgusted that I let it escalate to how it did, and that I let so much get to me over a girl. I feel like an idiot because I fucked up, letting self pity and desire blind me from what I was actually doing. I feel regret for almost everything I said and posted in this statement, but I'm not going to delete any of it because it will help me if I get it out in the open and expose it.
Sorry for spewing and going overboard... I don't feel burdened anymore now that I finally addressed my feelings. I think tonight I'll be able to sleep well, knowing I kind of just dropped an inventory for all of bay12 to see (which I shouldn't do) but it feel relieving. I don't think I've gotten over my insecurities fully yet, but I think I started to pull the knife out...
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9702193 times)