I have a big problem and i don't know how to handle it.
I'm absolutely smitten by this girl. Like head over heels, can't stop talking about her, can't stop thinking about her, and the problem is, not only she has a boyfriend and says she's not ready for a relationship, but she (probably unknowingly) teases me by saying she's going to break up with him, she likes me a lot, she's sexually attracted to me (and she says she's a "grey asexual", and she says it means that she doesnt but also admits that when she does, it has to do with bonds and closeness, and she says this is the weirdest thing she's felt. She also kissed me on the cheek when I shared with her the one thing about myself I absolutely hated about myself pre-rehab because of what I did. AND SHE STILL CARES ABOUT ME.
And the problem is this: I'm scared. And I'm scared of many things. I'm scared because there is another guy she tells me about (who, even though he's taken as well, is known to cheat and admits he's a slut) and he is not only good at sex (im a virgin if you guys didn't already know) but he's got so much charisma that I look like a loser around him and she usually ignored me to go hug him and talk to him.
She has been trying to get me out of my comfort zone with women for about a month now, and I've been falling for her only the past couple weeks. And the worst part is it gets worse with how much I care and grow closer to her. And now I'm at this point where I'm scared to talk to her because I don't want want to annoy her, I don't want to say certain things because she might think I'm a loser, and somehow, Facebook makes me look more and more like I stalk her because I keep appearing in her Facebook posts that are things like "which of your friends can't live without you?" Or "which friend is most like you?" And so on. I'm scared that I'm going to scare her off if I be too overbearing and I'm scared I'm going to lose her he moment she's ready for a relationship to a guy who just wants to fuck everyone.
She's absolutely beautiful, she listened to the darkest things I have done in my life and still cares about me, she hugs me almost all the time, she sometimes pets my head (a lot of times is when I get upset), she cuddles with me sometimes, and SHES THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER SAY TO ME SHES SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ME. When she said that, plus the kiss on my cheek for when I told her my heaviest inventory (aka a thing I did that I would've taken to my grave because I'm so guilty and ashamed of it) I was in one of the best moods of my life yesterday because of that. I had a shitty day but I still had a fantastic mood. That's died down now, mostly because I had another shitty day and she (although I know she's busy) didn't really text me and when I asked how her day was, she said it was difficult and she didn't want to talk about it. This scared me because I know she's got a lot of things on her plate right now (which is one of the reasons why she says she's not ready for a relationship) but she's usually very open to me.
And this scares me too because my head goes to "it involves me" or "it involves something that might hurt me" and not "something bad happened to her" which is what it SHOULD be. And this is why I think I'm not ready for a relationship either. I was told in rehab to avoid relationships until at least a year after you get out, and this happens almost EXACTLY after a year since I went in. And I'm scared I'm going to be told to not talk to her. And I'm even scared if they tell me to ask her out right away.
I had this feeling in my chest like my heart felt like it opened up when I had a deep heart to heart talk with my now-sponsor, and that was when he said he is my brother because of the bond we shared. And I had this feeling with this girl and I don't want to lose her. I know it will tear me apart if she keeps doing what she does (the cuddling, the hugging, the petting, etc.) and I don't ask her out, but (and I told her this) I would rather relapse and get kicked out of rehab for choosing to stay and (at the very least) be her friend than never talk to her again and lose this friendship and this bond we have.
I know I'm kind of gushing, but she does have flaws, and I'm not blind to them. She has some very strange kinks that I'm not used to, she's very sick (she had hypothermia and was considered dead for 16 minutes (this makes her badass in my eyes), she also may or may not have cancer in her ovaries, which may or may not be he cause of why she's had a month long period, and she has a lot of deficiencies) and she has been abused and gets scared to touch (unlike my ex, she's gotten past it and doesn't let it effect her as best as she can). And that last thing is another thing: she must've been strangled by her ex or something when he took advantage of her, because she gets scared when someone touches her neck... AND SHE LETS ME, NOT ONLY TOUCH IT, BUT TO STROKE HER NECK LIKE YOU PET A CAT (which I think is one of her kinks). That level of trust, to me, has literally drawn me closer to her because it shows she trusts me not to hurt her, when, countless times (and even proved by others), that I used to hurt people (pre-rehab, I haven't hurt anyone yet that I know of). She does hit me or crush my hand or claw me when I tickle her sometimes, but she doesn't react as violently towards me as she does others.
And I have this horribly deep crush on her, head over heels smitten for her, and I have NOT A SINGLE CLUE what to do...