I was thinking of doing something creative, but I can't get over that it's invariably just going to be shit, just complete shit. Whenever I get the feeling to buy the supplies of something I need to do something creative, the niggling feeling that I'm just an untalented, lazy shit pops back into my head, and I've already wasted money, over and over again capriciously noncommitting to one idea, then giving up, then another, then giving up, then another, then giving up.
It's not that it's too hard, it's just that it's hard to care. It's so hard to convince myself that I care about anything. One of my first ideas was to try to learn how to draw by hand, and the first instruction of my learning guide was to draw a self-portrait to gauge your future improvement, and I gave up right there because I don't want to look at my Sorry Damn Face long enough to draw a picture. How can I not be so critical of myself, when I'm staring at the asshole's face?
I just wish I could care about anything enough for it to act as any kind of guiding ambition in life. That'd just be the best, but I don't know if that would ever be possible, so I just have to sit back and feel upset that I was even born, only to live such a destined unfulfilling and miserable life.
All these feelings just dredged up because I saw that stupid Visual Novel Builder, Tyranobuilder, on Humble Bundle, and I think "I wonder if I could make anything even half-decent" only to remind myself that that's just straight up impossible. It's sickening. It's retarded. It'd just be another waste of time and money. And now I'm just here torturing myself over nothing again. Just fuck me.