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[ChairmanPoo]

Yeah, Cthulhu posted it yesterday.

[Truean]

Please don't quote this

I can absolutely relate Caroline. There is a considerable deal of violence and other problems against the GLBT community all over the place. I was terrified to even tell my therapist anything at all about my situation, and that's a confidential situation.

You learn to hide things, but please learn that it is they who have the problem and not you. This is critical.

I was and to some extent still am terrified to do certain completely normal things, things even any straight person might do. It was and is a lack of confidence in who you are internally (though you can't show that to the exterior world) that can really mess up your day.

As for problems of religion and GLBT, that is a rather complicated issue with no good answer. I confess a bias due to my own circumstances (I suffered sexual abuse from clergy as a child; he is in prison), as some disclosure in the name of fairness. That said, I find the level of hypocrisy frightening, and I've gone into those reasons before.

The primary concern for you would, in my opinion, be your own safety. To that end, a level of discretion and hiding any GLBT status is not a bad thing. Also simply try to steer topics to other, less controversial topics. I imagine there has to be a sports team or some local interest shared by many in your area. Some individuals like cars, racing, video games, or some other common thing. Nothing distracts people from ever thinking you are gay, so much as carrying on a normal, non gay conversation will.

Be safe.

Please don't quote this

[itisnotlogical]

I'm going to go home, take some acetaminophen because I'm sick and my head is pounding, and go to sleep without having done any of my homework or filled out any new job applications for the third night in a row.

Dealing with the consequences of other people's bad decisions is fuuuuun. Extra fun if neither of you have a place to live without the other's help, so both of you are screwed twice as hard by eachother.

[Spehss _]

Think I'm having another case of anti-depressant withdrawals. Head hurts, eyes hurt, feeling dizzy and groggy and feverish, etc.

Spoiler: rambling (click to show/hide)

Along with that, I'm thinking too much. Thinking about things I can't really do anything about immediately. Stuff like how well I spent my time today; I got very little college work done today; I intended for it to be a day off after the hectic week I had earlier this week; still feel like I could've used my time better, took advantage of my day off better.

Starting to think I'm doing something wrong with my life. Like I'm not living my life correctly. I don't know how I'd live it "correctly" but I'm pretty sure I'm doing at least one thing wrong with my life. Think there's something wrong with my head. With my thought process. Like I don't think like everyone else thinks and because of that I'm living my life horribly incorrectly and inefficiently and I'll never be able to change that because the source of the problem is inherently in my head and blah blah blah. Will I be happy with life. Am I making the right choice in major? Am I going to get a good job or do anything of any worth? Am I doing anything right or am I just blundering blindly through life like a fool. Is my life going to be of any worth? Am I going to achieve anything? Blah blah blah. I can go on but I won't.

See, thinking too much. Contemplating suicide again. Not because of sad feels or anything, but just as a means of not having to worry about how my life is going. Like, I'm not living life "correctly" so the best option is to stop it.

I should stop thinking but I can't. I should go to sleep because I feel physically awful and won't do anything else tonight but I just can't mentally feel ready to go to sleep. I was just sleeping last night, I just took a nap earlier today, I'm sick of sleeping.

I think my head is just a bit loopy from anti-depressant withdrawal. Fun times. Rambling. sorry.

[hops]

Just some little joking and I managed to take a little remark too personally. Welp, there goes my night. I feel terrible but no one would care unless I talked to them about it, but then I'd sound whiny because it's something small. Here's hoping my mood recovers and this can all be forgotten I suppose.

[Xantalos]

Truth be told besides a moment where I slipped into despondency, I did not get as sad as I thought I would from drinking alcoho-

theeeeere it is

yep

that's me for the night I think
Gonna go pointlessly be depressed about stupid shit that'll never turn out in my favour for however long until I pass out

I very much dislike how I'm almost of two minds about this whole thing. On one hand, I desire her very strongly. On the other hand, my rational mind tells me that attempting to make it would cost me very much and also fuck everything over in my life.
Why can't reality just match up with what I want? A rather infantile thought, but one that won't leave the forefront of my mind. It feels petulant.

Mregrgh. I understand why people with personalities like mine become such heavy drinkers, because it loosens their inhibitions sufficiently that they can actually interact with people on a level that they're incapable of opening up to normally. It almost makes me wish I got completely smashed just so I could really say what was on my mind.
But again, that nagging voice in the back of my head just telling me don't do it is stronger. Stronger than most anything after how many years of repression and pain I've fed it. I don't reckon I'll ever really actually open up to anyone. Maybe that's a good thing, I doubt people would like what they saw. Just someone who spends most of their waking moments wanting after someone that's not and will never be attached to them. Not a very impressive inner psyche to have. Doubt I could ever open up to someone like that face-to-face without an excessive amount of alcohol, and I wouldn't be able to talk by that point anyway. Not like you, Internet. Nice faceless Internet. I can just ramble on all fukken day about the internal bullshit I generate and never worry that I'm going to alienate a social connection in my life because I don't interact with anyone on here really anyway and I'm mostly incapable of giving a fuck about most of you because my inner thoughts don't really grasp that you're really people per se so much as conveniently shaped lines of text. Silly inner thoughts, you're never right but form such a large part of my problems.

I evidently become quite rambly when I'm sad like this. I apologize to whoever finds this. I'm going to go regret my capacity to love now. Good night bay12.

Edit again: ah shit my emotional state right now can be summed up by a Calvin Harris song. Yeah I done fucked up something.

[itisnotlogical]

My fucking sleep schedule was fixed, I was getting back on track, I was getting assignments back in on time, I had job applications turned in. And now none of that is going to come to pass because I've been up all night the past three nights dealing with other people's mistakes. It's 3AM here and I'm wide awake because I was up all night watching other people's children because other people stole from their job and got fired, and I'm not about to let little children be homeless because of their parent's negligence when I've been blessed to narrowly miss that fate several times in my life. I'll be asleep tomorrow instead of following up on applications, and everybody else is going to be up all night too so I'll be holding their baggage when I could be working on my assignments, or developing creative skills, or even just sit around with my thumb up my ass because I'm tired of working and seeing everything I work towards torn down because I'm always the one that nobody cares if I inherit the consequences of their failings.

I've noticed I'm stress eating again. Little willpower exercises don't work if the rest of your life is conspiring against them. Guess I;m just going to be a fat fuck loser. I need to quit this college nonsense, find some shitty retail job and content myself with this tiny foothold in the world instead of doing something meaningful, or even soemthing that doesn't make me wan't to shoot myself every night.

[Arx]

Man, not a good week for Bay12. Hugs to all.


I probably should have started antidepressants before exams, and to hell with the side-effects. This entire morning was a dead loss because I couldn't bring myself to do anything, and it's only picking up a little now. Hopefully this afternoon is a little better.

[miauw62]

Spoiler: crush things, again (click to show/hide)

too nervous to text her because i dont want to be creepy/she probably wont respond
seeing her talk with other dudes (who are in her class) also makes me feel pretty horrible, which makes me feel bad for feeling bad about it and aaa

i should really just ask her and get this over with, even if i basically know that the answer will be negative

[Jopax]

But you don't, that's why you're so damn nervous about it, isn't it. Because you're probably mentally prepared for the no and would most probably shrug and after a couple of days of moping around be perfectly fine.

The far more terrifying prospect is her saying yes, beacuse that's uncharted waters. But worry not, because that's the fun part of it, the exciting and equally terrifying one.

So go freaking talk to her, or text her, or whatever. And don't go in expecting a no, go in confident and sure that you'll get a yes, even if it's kinda fake it'll go a long way. Fake it before you make it and all that jazz.

And if you're questioning the quality of my advice, I'll let you in on a secret, it's the opposite of what I did, and since what I did  never actually worked properly (because it's mostly what you're doing now) it means that the opposit is probably the better path to take.

Also yeah, hugs for all (my sig link is there for a reason after all), my week has been kinda crappy, mostly because my sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked now. Last night I got cought up in Beyond Earth and stayed up until like 4, then when I finally went to sleep a random moth decided it'd be fun to just fly into every single damn thing in my room and be as loud about it as possible, then it rained, then I kept waking up and now I'm pretty sure I'm operating on under 4 hours of sleep, which, considering I have work to is less than ideal.

[TD1]

My inner thoughts don't really grasp that you're really people per se so much as conveniently shaped lines of text. Silly inner thoughts, you're never right but form such a large part of my problems.

Hmmm. Surprisingly, this gave me an existential problem. What if I'm nothing but generated lines of text? I don't think I am, but for all of you that's all I am.

Hmmm.

Probably better if I don't become too aware, then. Might find out I have access to nukes over the internet.

_{Arx would be first to go. stupid anti-me.}

[Sirus]

This is why meet-ups are a thing. I now know that there are actual people behind at least a few of you Bay12 chatbots

[Bauglir]

Hmmm. Surprisingly, this gave me an existential problem. What if I'm nothing but generated lines of text? I don't think I am, but for all of you that's all I am.

The solution to all existential problems: "What difference would it make?"

[SalmonGod]

Feeling like crap.

[miauw62]

But you don't, that's why you're so damn nervous about it, isn't it. Because you're probably mentally prepared for the no and would most probably shrug and after a couple of days of moping around be perfectly fine.

The far more terrifying prospect is her saying yes, beacuse that's uncharted waters. But worry not, because that's the fun part of it, the exciting and equally terrifying one.

So go freaking talk to her, or text her, or whatever. And don't go in expecting a no, go in confident and sure that you'll get a yes, even if it's kinda fake it'll go a long way. Fake it before you make it and all that jazz.

And if you're questioning the quality of my advice, I'll let you in on a secret, it's the opposite of what I did, and since what I did  never actually worked properly (because it's mostly what you're doing now) it means that the opposit is probably the better path to take.

That's actually a very helpful insight. If I don't get a chance to talk to her alone I guess I'll have to make one. Thanks.