So I tried to sleep, tossed and turned and sunk deeper for about an hour before getting fed up with it. Not sure what I'll do now, might try going back to sleep since it seems the thing in my sig helped relieve some of the stress and horribleness.
But that was remedying the symptom I think, and without fixing the underlying issue it'll be back. I've been trying to do it the past few months but it doesn't seem to be working, I'm at the end of my wits here and I don't think I can carry on like this. I need to change, the change needs to be fundamental and it needs to happen soon, it's just that every time I start I'll last for a few days and then something will happen and it doesn't even have to be big, but it'll all fall apart and I'll just crawl back inside my safe zone and get absolutely nowhere.
It's this hellish place where I feel there's something wrong and I can point to most of the things that are wrong, but it never seems too wrong to be fixed now, maybe tommorrow. I keep leaving it to my future self, which keeps leaving it to his future self and so on. So how to stop living in the future, well, not actually living, planning to live. Hoping to get to the destination of a complete person (however achievable) without taking the trip. I can see how dumb and impossible that is, I understand that, so why the fuck can't I abide by that understanding?