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[Jopax]

Slept for about three hours today. My head is buzzing, partly because I reestablished some sort of contact with a certain person, it went much better than I expected (mostly because I didn't really expect anything and did it because I felt I needed to say some things). Now I'm dangerously close to overthinking it all and falling right back into the pit I just crawled out of. Fucking feelings, why do they have to be so messy :C

E:
And the only thing I seem to be able to do nowadays is run away into a game or something. I don't want to run anymore but I don't think I have the strength to face this properly, I fear I'll just make another string of bad calls and end up at square one. But I can't seem to get any rest these days, sleep has been erratic and whenever I get two proper days I just lapse into late nights or all-nighters again.

[Helgoland]

Heh, you're posting here because of contact? I'm posting because of no contact, and it'll be three fucking weeks until I find out whether Amor having cooperated with Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann will either lead to great happiness or another scar on my way to cynical adulthood.

[Shook]

Blurgh, sorry guys, but i'm gonna have to...

..............

ramble more about the things that make me sad aaa

So i'm sure that all most some of you, by now, have read that i'm having severe doubts about my study, so i'm not going to go over that in great detail again. Further introspection, however, reveals two distinct sides of my existence right now: the classic happy jolly side, and the persistently kind-of-miserable side. The problem here is that the latter is my default state when i'm not distracted about the reality at hand. The reality is this: What i'm studying right now has excellent employment opportunities, but i have the wrong gut feeling about it. Everything i actually want to be doing has TERRIBLE employment opportunities, and/or requires a shit ton of luck/work in order to sustain a living. Mom is perhaps a liiiiiiittle bit too emotionally invested in me doing well, and in general has some fairly annoying anger issues.

This translates to a bothersome conundrum: keep at my study and potentially feel miserable for the next 3 years, or try to figure out what i would rather be doing, at the risk of invoking Maternal Wrath(tm). I would not be hestitating nearly as much if i didn't live under my parents' roof, but as it is when you've turned 18, they are legally allowed to kick me out. Dad probably wouldn't, since he's generally a lot more reasonable about things like this (preferring to say "it would be a good idea if..." rather than "you really should do X but i guess you just want to live as a bum"), but mom? Well, she's always a ticking time bomb. She has exploded about perceived slights before, but today she took a full-on sarcastic retort without doing so. This uncertainty is possibly even worse than a guaranteed rage. I know she's a human, and she has her flaws, and i still love her. I just don't think she has ever exited "i'm your mother i'm always right"-mode when talking to me. I really wish she would TRY to look at it from my perspective, because she's extremely quick to say "i think that's a bad idea and so should you, and by the way i'm offended for some unknown reason".

I feel trapped, plain and simple. And i hate feeling trapped.

[Jopax]

Heh, you're posting here because of contact? I'm posting because of no contact, and it'll be three fucking weeks until I find out whether Amor having cooperated with Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann will either lead to great happiness or another scar on my way to cynical adulthood.

Naw, see, I was struggling with letting go and contact was the last thing I needed, even though it felt incredibly good to smoothe things out so to speak (because I do want to have this person in my life, regardless of the form the relationship takes) I feel that I've taken a couple of steps back as far as letting go goes.

@Shook, I wish I could offer some sort of useful advice but this is something you need to figure out for yourself, because ultimately, it's your life and you have control over it, even if it doesn't feel like that most of the time. Just remember, no choice is really wrong, just different.

[Helgoland]

Naw, see, I was struggling with letting go and contact was the last thing I needed, even though it felt incredibly good to smoothe things out so to speak (because I do want to have this person in my life, regardless of the form the relationship takes) I feel that I've taken a couple of steps back as far as letting go goes.

Heh, I was in a similar situation a couple days back: She told me she wanted to try and fix things with her boyfriend (long, confusing story...), and that I should regard this as a clean break (until further notice). Cue me later that day seeing a major indicator of her and him, how shall I say, not exactly getting along too well, immediately before she flies home for a couple weeks.

Not what I needed to make a clean break, even if that break turns out to be temporary.

[miauw62]

I feel so lonely

[Rolan7]

Just remember how many people know who you are, and how many people you've helped out.
I left SS13 over a year ago and I still appreciate your contributions, so there.

[Spehss _]

all-male religious club

I don't get what's to gain from having that be a thing.

[Orange Wizard]

all-male religious club

I don't get what's to gain from having that be a thing.

Gender purity, obviously. Lesser women can't possibly understand the nuances of God's Word.

[pisskop]

all-male religious club

I don't get what's to gain from having that be a thing.

Do you say the same things in front of a woman as you would a male?

single-sex groupings removes a lot of social dynamic

[Orange Wizard]

single-sex groupings removes a lot of social dynamic

True, but it's not really relevant in a church setting. Assuming they're there to listen to someone talk about the Bible or whatever, having both sexes present doesn't really change anything.

[Worldmaster27]

um EXCUSE you ALL if a male so much as TOUCHES a FEMALE CREATURE, much less INTERACTS WITH SAID FEMALE, then that FEMALE will become PREGNANT and IMPURE and BE PREGNANT for like EIGHTEEN MONTHS and they will BE UNFIT for a male to MARRY and they will be IMPURE and NO GOOD for males because that is a FEMALE's ENTIRE PURPOSE in life

[/sarcasm] but yeah, jokes aside, that sucks Caroline. I hope you can still have fun, and hopefully the guys won't all be assholes.

[Spehss _]

[/sarcasm] but yeah, jokes aside, that sucks Caroline. I hope you can still have fun, and hopefully the guys won't all be assholes.

Eeeeh, the guys I've interacted with at youth church stuff have been some of the least assholish people I've interacted with.

Or at least, teenage youth. Little kids can be obnoxious little shits to other little kids. Course, this is in Freedomland, not wherever Caroline is located in.  The concentration of assholism may vary from country to country and culture to culture.

[Tawa]

Course, this is in Freedomland, not wherever Caroline is located in.  The concentration of assholism may vary from country to country and culture to culture.

She's in the Honduras.

[Descan]

all-male religious club

I don't get what's to gain from having that be a thing.

Facilitation of homosexual couplings.