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[BFEL]

Sad Thread = PM Thread??

[Arx]

I suppose it boils down to this:

People think I'm smart. That may once have been somewhat inherently true. They also think I'm nice, and helpful, and compassionate, and stuff. That's never really been inherent to me. It's something I've trained myself into rigorously.

Mostly, though I push myself. And everything's been slipping, and I've been pushing harder to hold it together. I've been in the red since halfway through February.

Then I started dropping balls. It doesn't help that my definition of 'dropping the ball' is set quite a bit higher than I guess most people's. So guilt about feeling guilty. And self-hatred for dropping the ball.

And I know I don't work as hard as a lot of people. I feel like I constantly need to work harder to catch all the balls I'm dropping, and I know that there are people who at least seem to work harder than me. So I feel guilty about that too.

Then I feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity, which I have no idea if I'm actually doing. I also end up trying not to deal with people, which tends to be difficult in a family of six. So I end up snubbing people, which doesn't help anything, so guess what, I end up with more guilt and self hatred.

I also don't refuse to help anyone who asks me. I have no idea how that changes anything except that I feel terrible if I end up snubbing them as mentioned before.

Basically for the last couple of months I've been a melting pot of guilt, exhaustion, and self-hatred. And academically knowing that only makes the gnawing emptiness worse, because I can't fix it, only push it away.

Sorry if this isn't very coherent. It's quite stream-of-consciousness and my stream of consciousness is not glassy right now.

[sjm9876]

-snip-

....I feel you've just summed up a large portion of my life until a couple of years ago.

I can't give you nay kind of quick fix or magic solution, because I never found one. I still get these feelings from time to time, though nowhere near as badly as I used to. All I can really say is that sometimes things slip. I found it helped to figure out what was absolutely necessary and let other things slide - the weight taken off can be a great help.

Also, the self-pity/guilt cycle can be quite viscous. Don't be afraid to let yourself get distracted - it can help break it in my experience.

Finally, I guess just keep at it. One foot in front of the other and all that. Keep on keeping on until it becomes habit again, and then pick things up.

Hope some of this helps, though no promises - I only have my own experiences to speak from. As like pretty much everyone else, feel free to pop me a PM if you need it. I can't promise helpfulness, but I can at least offer an ear.

[Bauglir]

No, that's totally understandable. I've been in exactly that place before, except that I've never had a problem finding alone time and the revelation didn't hit me until I'd long since moved out. You're ahead of the curve! Unfortunately I haven't got anything to say that'll help, any more than shouting "Quit drowning!" would make for an effective lifeguard. Nothing ever seems to work on this shit but deeply personal epiphanies or quality therapy, and I can provide neither, but at least I want you to know that you're not a bad person because you haven't managed to get out of this yet. It's hard. And it doesn't go the same for everybody. You're a pretty okay dude. There's nothing wrong with hurting but the hurting. And it's okay to talk about it.

------------

[rage]Sweet merciful fuck, the cancelled class is required for my degree. I need to get this shit reinstated or weasel my way into an alternative. I am not selling these shits another year of my life because of a fucking scheduling decision.[/rage]

[i2amroy]

I'm pretty sure I have a tiny scratch on my left eye (either that or a very obstinate splinter). I got hit by a debris-filled blast of wind yesterday morning, and now every time I blink it feels like there is something in it. Not much to do about it but wait and look like I'm constantly on the verge of breaking into tears for the next few days.

-snip-

As someone who's been in virtually that exact spot a year or so back (I literally had a hour long mini-nervous breakdown at one point, followed by another half hour or so before I could unclench my hands enough to open the door to my bedroom to leave) here's the basic things I did to get out of it:

• For the short term decide which balls are the most important ones, and prioritize based on that. When time comes that you have to drop one, either tell the person why you dropped it if you think they will understand or just say "sorry, I had other things that were more important than this" and leave it at that. Personally I found my family to be much more understanding than I had originally thought they were going to be, but every family's different. It's up to you where to put your explanations for each person on the scale between telling everything and telling nothing.
• When you drop a ball like that (which you will end up doing), whatever the reasons, people are going to think slightly less of you, and it's important to acknowledge that. However the more important thing to recognize is that your mental health is more important than their opinions of you. You can't juggle if you can't see and trying to do so is just going to result in all the balls falling down. Therefore take care of your own eyesight first, and then worry about the balls you've currently got in the air.
• Next (and this is more for the long term) try to juggle less balls. Don't be afraid to tell someone 'no', or to avoid potential commitments. Once again people are going to be disappointed when you tell them no about something, but as before it's more important to complete what you can than try to complete too much. Trying to juggle 12 tennis balls when you can only juggle 3 reliably is just going to result in dropped balls, amplifying the problem.
• And lastly (at least for me), I found that I needed to work on procrastination in the long term. There's a myriad of ways to fight this, get a day planner, change your desktop background to the words "Do it now", whatever you want to do; but cut back on procrastination and you are less likely to run into periods where you suddenly have 8 important balls all coming down at once and you only have 2 hands.

That's just my two cents on it, take it as you will.

[rage]Sweet merciful fuck, the cancelled class is required for my degree. I need to get this shit reinstated or weasel my way into an alternative. I am not selling these shits another year of my life because of a fucking scheduling decision.[/rage]

Maybe talk to advising about what anybody else in your position is doing? I know lots of times you can take the same class at another university for fairly cheap (assuming you have a webcam there are often a few totally-online options too) and it'll count, though if you decide to do that make sure you get it approved before you pay for a class that might not count for anything.

[Vector]

-snip-

[AlleeCat]

For the short term decide which balls are the most important ones, and prioritize based on that.

I'm sorry, but all I'm seeing is balls.

[BFEL]

For the short term decide which balls are the most important ones, and prioritize based on that.

I'm sorry, but all I'm seeing is balls.

Me too. I didn't want to say anything but OH GOD I CAN'T STOP SEEING TESTICULAR JUGGLING NOW

[Arx]

Thanks for all the advice and support.

Hopefully I'll be able to get rid of some of the balls soonish. I don't procrastinate very much at all, luckily, but there's always scope to hammer that out more.

[Spehss _]

I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. My life could be way worse. But no, I'm just...not happy. Always not happy. Either I'm definitely unhappy or just neutral, never distinctly in a state of mind I'd call "happy".

[Magistrum]

I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. My life could be way worse. But no, I'm just...not happy. Always not happy. Either I'm definitely unhappy or just neutral, never distinctly in a state of mind I'd call "happy".

Have you tried cake?

[Spehss _]

Have you tried cake?

Yes. Cake tastes good. Does it cure all my problems and worries and make me feel "happy"? No. Does it temporarily distract me? Yes. Is happiness really just "temporary distraction from unhappiness"? No, probably not. If it is, it's extremely shallow happiness that's hardly distinguishable from being neutral.

[BFEL]

I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. My life could be way worse. But no, I'm just...not happy. Always not happy. Either I'm definitely unhappy or just neutral, never distinctly in a state of mind I'd call "happy".

This is pretty much the textbook definition of Depression. I get this occasionally too, but don't worry it will wear off after a few weeks to a month. At least it does for me.

[Magistrum]

Have you tried cake?

Yes. Cake tastes good. Does it cure all my problems and worries and make me feel "happy"? No. Does it temporarily distract me? Yes. Is happiness really just "temporary distraction from unhappiness"? No, probably not. If it is, it's extremely shallow happiness that's hardly distinguishable from being neutral.

Man, I just wanted to give you a bro fist bump now...
I guess internet makes that, I wanted all of you to be just as tangible as my friends here...

[Il Palazzo]

I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. My life could be way worse. But no, I'm just...not happy. Always not happy. Either I'm definitely unhappy or just neutral, never distinctly in a state of mind I'd call "happy".

Get yourself a full-body check. It sucks to suffer anhedonia for years as if it was inevitable, when it might just be your thyroid or something else acting up.