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[WillowLuman]

Working for me, too.

EDIT: I find it slightly disturbing that some of my recent emotions sound like clichés.

[TempAcc]

Apparently I am unable to have uninterrupted sleep anymore. I always end up kind of of waking up during the night for a reason or another. This annoys me quite a bit because I already suck at sleeping, and while it doesnt make me sad or anything, its annoying that I cant get uninterrupted sleep even when I have lots of time to sleep.

Anyways, bay12 has an IRC channel :v? Gimme.

[Kadzar]

That's presenting as a profound loneliness. Like, I'm okay on the "have I interacted with someone today?" front, but I also very badly need to scratch that in-depth conversation itch--it's a need, not a want--and that has not been possible for quite some time.

I think I know you feel. I get a decent amount of interaction with people and have plenty of time to talk about things that have happened to me or happened in general, but I don't really have a space to talk about how I'm thinking or feeling in general. That sort of stuff has to be bottled up, and I just have to deal with it on my own.

[Tack]

I also have intellectual and creative needs that I have not been able to satisfy in a safe context since I was very, very young.

You have no idea how much I empathize with this.
I feel like my brain is slowly turning into soft putty with the constant years I have been dumbing myself down.

It is like I'm constantly trying to think through flyscreen now, it's gotten so bad.
That metaphor is a terrible descriptor, but in itself a decent example.

[Bohandas]

I've come to the distressing realization that I don't really enjoy anything anymore.
Apart from perhaps the occasional good movie or book, but those are escapes from real life in the first place.

What is happiness if not an escape from reality

[miauw62]

Apparently I am unable to have uninterrupted sleep anymore. I always end up kind of of waking up during the night for a reason or another. This annoys me quite a bit because I already suck at sleeping, and while it doesnt make me sad or anything, its annoying that I cant get uninterrupted sleep even when I have lots of time to sleep.

Anyways, bay12 has an IRC channel :v? Gimme.

#bay12lb on irc.darkmyst.org

[KingofstarrySkies]

Essay was due today, entirely forgot. Now gonna have to rush the rest of it. Stress sure is fun, mm?

[scrdest]

Essay was due today, entirely forgot. Now gonna have to rush the rest of it. Stress sure is fun, mm?

I feel you. My lab group decided that, since they have holidays and it's due Friday, to postpone as much as touching a report and assumed they could just steal a ready one and make some tweaks. Well, go figure, six hours before deadline I noticed and pointed out they didn't even bother to check if they've found one for the right exercise from the three done that day by different groups, and since most of them were away, I had to write a good chunk of it all by myself, hours from the deadline.

Personal very petty sad: I've found myself being inspired by something so much that it renders me unable to come up with something original myself, I just gravitate towards it.

[Mesa]

So, allow me to vent about something that's been (somewhat) secretly a problem since childhood for me and is now ruining my life more than ever.

While I wasn't outright abused to the point of having a straight-up horrible early life, I wasn't exactly treated very well, by peers, my older sister (she's still a little snarky towards me sometimes) or my parents - with the few exceptions of people I managed to become friends with, I was generally neglected or outright avoided by others (particularly due to my everpresent digestion problems which resulted in well, me not smelling the greatest, let's put it that way; they've only been getting worse since then - nowadays my bowels go in a cycle of "~3 weeks of constipation, ~3 days of diarrhea" and it's really tiring and is making me drop out of school a lot more than is acceptable.).

I always felt like I was worse than others or otherwise just bad - failing to match the standard. The somewhat incidental fact that thanks to my last name I was near the end of the register for the entirety of primary and secondary school didn't really help much either, although again, it was a coincidence more than anything. Still it was a factor, however minor, towards me developing a low opinion of myself.

I always felt like I was "different" from others and that I wasn't appreciated. I was always just sitting alone in the corner, doing my own thing and not really attracting attention...Because people were really harsh on me, I ended up being really harsh on myself...Not realizing or liking what few things I was (or indeed am) good at, only pointing out my mistakes or faults - which led me to constant anxiety and fear of failing to meet others' expectations of standards towards me yet again - I had little sense of accomplishment and, well, my self-esteem was low. And it continues to be low up to this very moment. And it's really taking its toll on me.

I'm worried about my future - because of the issues mentions above, I never really had a girlfriend to speak of (or indeed, even just female friends were in low quantity for me), but now, seeing so many people around me being in happy and healthy relationships just makes me feel empty on the inside, but anxiety and lack of self-confidence are really getting in the way of me actually finding my SO, on the Internet or otherwise. (I'm not really interested in Polish girls either considering that I eventually want to move out of here...)

(And here's where the next problem steps in - I'm deadly scared of having to find a job. I'm very anxious about it and just like with other things, I keep thinking that I'm the worst and that nobody will want to hire someone like me, even if I might have some objective skills (particularly when it comes to computer science subjects, although I'm far from the greatest, excluding the possibility of me having an inferiority complex and thus thinking I'm bad.)

And if I want to move out to Canada and start a happy life with friends that actually appreciate and accept me as a person, I would either need to get a year's worth of full-time work experience OR marry a Canadian citizen/permanent resident (since I'm not really eligible for an Express Entry.) - I don't have enough money to go there as a student considering that I'd have no grants or student loans to help me get through. And I'm not that interested in going to college or university either...


So I'm basically stuck in this negative feedback loop, which has turned into a legitimate depression about half a year ago. It sucks and it also made me not be active here as well, in fear of making yet another mistake that I'd be then ashamed of...I know it's a bad way to think and that none of you would actually scald me for that, but still...

I hate my low self-esteem as it's directly making me believe that my life goals are impossible to accomplish, or is at least making them way more difficult to accomplish, and it's driving me insane and makes me want to cry.

[Worldmaster27]

* Worldmaster27 hugs DarkDXZ, and everyone else

[BlitzDungeoneer]

* BlitzDungeoneer hugs DarkDXZ, and everyone else

[ArKFallen]

they've only been getting worse since then - nowadays my bowels go in a cycle of "~3 weeks of constipation, ~3 days of diarrhea" and it's really tiring and is making me drop out of school a lot more than is acceptable.).

Have you seen doctors for this and/or trawled the internet for possible problems and solutions? It even sounds utterly terrible.

[Mesa]

they've only been getting worse since then - nowadays my bowels go in a cycle of "~3 weeks of constipation, ~3 days of diarrhea" and it's really tiring and is making me drop out of school a lot more than is acceptable.).

Have you seen doctors for this and/or trawled the internet for possible problems and solutions? It even sounds utterly terrible.

I'm seeing a psychologist regularly, and I'm supposed to go to a doctor this week, I haven't got checked in a long while. From there I might be sent for further examinations. (don't really know a better way to put it)

[WillowLuman]

That sounds squarely within the realm of gastrointestinal health. I mean, undoubtedly there are consequences for your psyche but the root cause there is not something therapy is going to solve.

[Mesa]

That sounds squarely within the realm of gastrointestinal health. I mean, undoubtedly there are consequences for your psyche but the root cause there is not something therapy is going to solve.

Ya, my psychologist did tell me that it's something I'd need to go to a gastrologist to with (...well, at any rate there's only so much a psychologist can help me with in that particular regard).