DISCLAIMER: This originally sounded like a sad post but ended up a rage post when I rewrote it to make more sense.
I hate being an emotionally volatile teenager.
It takes nothing to send me off into some dark depression or raging anger.
Like, literally nothing.
I see one of my friends got baptized on Facebook.
Sounds like a reason to feel like shit the rest of the night.
But WHY!?!
I wouldn't hate this so much if I just GOT it.
I know exactly freaking why this bugs me so much, but I don't know how to put it into words so it's as good say telling myself this is all for no reason.
It's not just the religious bit here bugging me. Religion by itself doesn't.
But religion and her at the same time.
We've been friends for a really long time, like, besties. And she was never really religious, at least on the outside, for years.
And in the last couple, she's converted totally.
Maybe if I wasn't some petty douchebag this wouldn't annoy me so much, but I feel as if this whole ordeal is driving a wedge between us.
It also probably isn't helping the situation that I'm madly in love with her and she cites my not being of the same faith as her reason for not feeling the same.
It also doesn't help that I had the chance to actually elevate the relationship a few years ago, before all this started happening, but I blew that like some sort of idiot.
And so I find myself, in the middle of a hormone induced bipolarity attack, questioning the point of even trying to live a life, just so I can graduate school, and work every day at a job I hate, alone as usual. I don't buy into the whole, "You can do whatever you want if you work at it crap." Maybe that makes me an idiot, or a hardcore pessimist, or both, but I just don't get life. Why does anyone want to live it? Statistically, there are 7 billion other people ready to pick up whatever little slack I leave behind. I feel like the only thing keeping me around is a fear of what lies on the other side, or perhaps a hope that she'll change her mind about us.
I'll admit, I don't lead a particularly horrible life, and it's entirely possible heaven, hell, or whatever I get reincarnated into is worse, but I definitely wouldn't mind being sociopathic right about now, and tomorrow, and the next day.
This entire everything could just be resolved if I could shake off these feelings towards her, I know it. But I've had then for far too long to just cast them off like a broken flip-flop.