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[Arx]

Just breathe, remember that people are almost universally not out to get you, and keep cool and collected. A counselor's appointment seems like a fairly logical thing to do.

Good luck!

[scriver]

If it's any consideration, I check the Bay12 forum almost daily by sheer habit. However, I also have almost nothing to say, nor the time to say it. I'm assuming that my life won't slow down for at least a decade, if I don't stop myself. This is being a young adult now...

* scriver waves to ToonyMan

Hello there oldtimer!

[HeroPizza42]

Just breathe, remember that people are almost universally not out to get you, and keep cool and collected. A counselor's appointment seems like a fairly logical thing to do.

Good luck!

      Thanks I know people are not out to get me its mainly the lieing that is giving me a hard every
 time when I start to calm down I remember them and I remember how I trusted them.
     Im watching the show helix now and I will probably get on youtube to calm down more.
  Im mainly afraid of blowing up on the person though its not undeserving its not me I don't like
hurting people or anything for that matter having a therapist helps us to argue constructably
 instead and just going on about something it also helps to get our points across to avoid
misunderstandings in a safe and understanding and privet atmosphere.

[Tiruin]

Well, considering that you're both seeing a therapist or counselor--it shows that both of you care, which probably may give the impression that both of you have quirks and errors, but both of you care as the crux. As Arx said, trust your counselor/therapist as they're certified and registered professionals in order to give advice such as that to you (their profession: Help for your well-being. Their experience? 4+ years of studying things like these and many more, depending on their credentials and such).

Either way, the focus still also remains in part with you and how you collect and control your thoughts and words--and how you interpret others' words. The idea of trust, in that case, has to take into perspective many more things rather than previous basis, given that you're both seeing a therapist about it (which already implies that he//both of you are willing towards becoming better, together). Self-reflection on deeds done, and re-reflection on deeds to do, both on your part and on others/his also help open analysis of the situation. :O Sometimes, previous bad experiences influence how we see things, which lead us to assume certain ideas which may...really not be that healthy for us or for others, especially when some incidences really make us believe the unhealthy conclusion and react in ways which stress both ourselves (ie higher blood pressure...raised voice...tensed muscles...blurry thoughts, etc...) and them (all pertaining @the blowing up part), so its always best to keep an open-mind, a patient rhythm, and an accepting clarity [ie accepting personal faults; nothing wrong with that. That's a strength! When coupled with the will to get better, and the will to get mutually better]

Though yes, what Arx said. Trust your counselor/therapist--its a job people spend many years for, and a lot of work to achieve the credibility they have.

To rerail this thread: My sad is that sometimes--the negative effects of the media add to the negative reputation of the mental health field -_- ie Stigma and discrimination due to only <1% of instances which occur which capture the eye of the media (ie {bad} or unethical procedures done by acclaimed mental health professionals). The sad part is it lasts and generalizes institutions which actually forward the advance of understanding and aid of mental health, all because of those vocal few.

[hops]

I find thag the more you worry about sabotsging your relationship with someone, the more likely it will get worse. It might sound like it's the end of the world, but you should give him more spsce or just avoid him for a while. It doesn't mean you have to hate him and divorce him.

[Bauglir]

Tiruin has the right of it, I think. It's important to examine yourself as much as the other person, and it's also important to think about why. If lies have been a problem, why were they being told? I don't think that it was to hurt you. Maybe that was a side effect, and that's certainly a bad thing, but if you want to make things work out, then it's sometimes necessary to accept it, forgive it, and move on. That's why you need to step back and examine things - and if you decide that you can't forgive, you need to end the relationship. You need to be willing to do that, and do it without anger. Don't use it a threat. Don't hold onto "making things work" as an assumption that must be your goal.

And, again, trust. It doesn't exactly mean that he should tell you everything about himself all the time. I've included my last post on the matter in case you missed it, but here's the thing - if you're unwilling to extend trust, even though you've been hurt in the past, the relationship is already dead. If that's the case, let it go.

Spoiler: In Case you Missed It (click to show/hide)

The only thing I can recommend is to try to work on trust. It's got a lot more levels than is immediately apparent! There's the level of trust with letting him have an account places that you don't have access to - that choice of his has got less to do with him wanting to hide things from you, and more to do with him not wanting to need to. Often, in long-term relationships, there's a level of stress that goes into making sure you're behaving as expected from your partner - I'm sure you're familiar with that by now. What's normal becomes expected, and it's easy to think something's wrong if anything changes.

Moreover, there's another level - trusting that, when he needs to vent (even if it's about something you've done or contributed to), he is frustrated with a situation, and doesn't want to burden you with trying to handle your own emotions as well as his. Likewise, trust that his feelings are being described in good faith. I don't think he's out to demonize you, or turn people against you who've never met you and likely never would without his help. Sometimes people just need to talk without being judged, and that often means going to people who don't know you well enough to have the context to do the judging (which, for a lot of people, is an instinctive response).

And, even further, there's trusting him to care about you. If you expect him to constantly go out of his way to demonstrate his concern, it tells him that you don't really believe it every time he does. When you tell somebody they're failing constantly, they'll stop trying. If things are going to work, you'll need to let him be himself, and work to avoid reading things into his actions most of the time. And you'll need to do that if things don't work, too - at least if you want to be happy in spite of that. If you can't help but imagine malice whenever it might be there, the whole thing will only collapse in bitterness.

Trust means being able to believe something without reassurance. It's hard. You will have to remind yourself that your anxious fears are not true. It's even harder if your trust has been abused in the past - but the great catch-22 of life is that if you hold that trust back, you all but guarantee that you'll be disappointed.

----------------------
@Tiruin
Popular impressions of communities like that are often frustrating. I hope you go on to prove lots of people wrong by being awesome.

[HeroPizza42]

Tiruin has the right of it, I think. It's important to examine yourself as much as the other person, and it's also important to think about why. If lies have been a problem, why were they being told? I don't think that it was to hurt you. Maybe that was a side effect, and that's certainly a bad thing, but if you want to make things work out, then it's sometimes necessary to accept it, forgive it, and move on. That's why you need to step back and examine things - and if you decide that you can't forgive, you need to end the relationship. You need to be willing to do that, and do it without anger. Don't use it a threat. Don't hold onto "making things work" as an assumption that must be your goal.

And, again, trust. It doesn't exactly mean that he should tell you everything about himself all the time. I've included my last post on the matter in case you missed it, but here's the thing - if you're unwilling to extend trust, even though you've been hurt in the past, the relationship is already dead. If that's the case, let it go.

Spoiler: In Case you Missed It (click to show/hide)

The only thing I can recommend is to try to work on trust. It's got a lot more levels than is immediately apparent! There's the level of trust with letting him have an account places that you don't have access to - that choice of his has got less to do with him wanting to hide things from you, and more to do with him not wanting to need to. Often, in long-term relationships, there's a level of stress that goes into making sure you're behaving as expected from your partner - I'm sure you're familiar with that by now. What's normal becomes expected, and it's easy to think something's wrong if anything changes.

Moreover, there's another level - trusting that, when he needs to vent (even if it's about something you've done or contributed to), he is frustrated with a situation, and doesn't want to burden you with trying to handle your own emotions as well as his. Likewise, trust that his feelings are being described in good faith. I don't think he's out to demonize you, or turn people against you who've never met you and likely never would without his help. Sometimes people just need to talk without being judged, and that often means going to people who don't know you well enough to have the context to do the judging (which, for a lot of people, is an instinctive response).

And, even further, there's trusting him to care about you. If you expect him to constantly go out of his way to demonstrate his concern, it tells him that you don't really believe it every time he does. When you tell somebody they're failing constantly, they'll stop trying. If things are going to work, you'll need to let him be himself, and work to avoid reading things into his actions most of the time. And you'll need to do that if things don't work, too - at least if you want to be happy in spite of that. If you can't help but imagine malice whenever it might be there, the whole thing will only collapse in bitterness.

Trust means being able to believe something without reassurance. It's hard. You will have to remind yourself that your anxious fears are not true. It's even harder if your trust has been abused in the past - but the great catch-22 of life is that if you hold that trust back, you all but guarantee that you'll be disappointed.

----------------------
@Tiruin
Popular impressions of communities like that are often frustrating. I hope you go on to prove lots of people wrong by being awesome.

   I already mentioned we both have issues and lieing is not ok in any sense. Theirs more to the story so to
assume its only me or only him that is wrong is not right im just trying to calm down not talk about or add into
those earlier convos as I mentioned I wanted unbiased advise and thank you for the advise it was helpful.
   This is why I posted saying they or them because I deserve the same benefit of the doubt instead of assuming its me who is doing these things  and therefore it must only be or mostly be me who must change im sorry if I misunderstood you though this just how it seems  non the less im still happy  to hear any opinion im done talking on this subject on here if you want to talk to me more on this pm and il reply I cant stand derailing the thread sorry if I have.

edit im sorry I did not word that better I was in a hurry

[scriver]

I purged it with hate and fire.

Incidentally, does anyone know how to clean ash and soot out of a laptop? I think it's preventing it from turning back on.

[GiglameshDespair]

Scriver: just put it in the sink and wash the ashes out. Plug it in so it can charge while you do so, the battery might be low.

[Euld]

Last night, a drunk driver hit my best friend's family while they were out driving.  All I know is, someone died, the rest are in the hospital.  :/

[TD1]

 

[WillowLuman]

Last night, a drunk driver hit my best friend's family while they were out driving.  All I know is, someone died, the rest are in the hospital.  :/

Oh jeez. I hope the rest pull through

[Bauglir]

:<

[Neonivek]

Meh was shoed out of an IRC chat for like 15 minutes straight.

I am not in the right mindset to brush that off without feeling sad.

Seriously they need to invent a cure for depression.

They didn't do anything wrong, I am just a bit too fragile.

[TD1]

Flippin' 'eck. So much coursework. So many distractions.