I admit - I'm not struggling with gender identity, m'self. That's never been a problem for me. So I might be coming in here from a position of privilege, attempting to reason with an intuition that's never had to deal with the stuff that actually matters to the people having the problem. I do, though, understand the feeling of being silently judged, of two-faced "Oh yeah I totally support you"s to your face and nothing quite so noble the rest of the time, of feeling compelled to define yourself by something that's unusual instead of what you want to care about, of needing to justify yourself to a world that responds with a thundering "Why should we care?". And I understand the more straightforward kinds of abuse, the violence, the insistence that there's something wrong with you and it's all your fault, the unreasoning hate, the world that demands the justification just so it can trample it into the dirt.
I mean, I get all that as well as somebody who's never lived it can, I suppose - which probably isn't very well, at all, really. And if your life hasn't fit into that neat little box of pain I've drawn, I don't mean to exclude you. I just haven't experienced your experience. That doesn't make it any less real, or any less meaningful. You don't need to meet my expectations. Your life doesn't have to fit into anybody's expectations to be a worthwhile life.
Which, of course, is where I'm going with this. I have my own vague notions of what constitutes being a man. I have fewer notions about what constitutes being a woman - it's not how I identify myself, so it's not something I've thought about as much. But I'll be goddamned if my notions constitute a binding reality. What really makes a woman a woman, and this is in the philosophical sense instead of what ideas are conjured by the label, is the self-perception of womanhood. And what really makes a man a man is the same principle (just with, y'know, manhood instead). And neither of those is what makes a person a person, so to hell with notions of even a spectrum onto which you must fall in order to be human, and to hell with mandatory labeling for that matter. Call yourselves what seems right, and I'll do the same within the bounds of my knowledge.
EDIT:
tl;dr
One person's reality doesn't define another's identity. Maybe we should have fewer demands about how other people have to know themselves.