Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Shook]

Feelings of pressure and expectations getting to me, again. Again again. Sometimes i really want a time-out button for this existence; just a day or two, where i can laze in the couch or bed for the ENTIRE GODDAMN DAY and not have anyone bother me and not have it affect me negatively due to all the things that are expected to be done by me. I know studying is important; likewise is it important to not come off as an apathetic couch potato to everyone, but it just feels like everything is running ahead, while i'm struggling to keep up and catch my breath.

Spoiler: rambleramble (click to show/hide)

Perhaps even worse than this feeling is the feeling that i really have to behave in a specific way to not be rejected by those near me; this specific way being what is tried and true and what worked the first time around. While it is obviously perfectly normal to not behave identically in front of every different group of people you hang around with, i get the feeling that if i suddenly break the mold, bad things will happen. This includes my parents and my brother. Although my brother has the possibly slightly dubious honour of experiencing the closest there is to a true me in person, there are still perceived "dirty secrets" in my mind. As i've undoubtably rambled about before, coming out to my family as a budding artist was a terrifying ordeal to me. My usually goofy personality is obviously quite clear to them, and mom knows that i do have some difficulties from time to time, but... It's just incredibly difficult to put words to this apprehension, this... Fear, that i'm struggling with every day. The fear that if i suddenly turn out to be different than what people were expecting, they'd reject me instantly. I'm fearing this because if it did happen within my close relatives, i'd break down, hard.

But it hasn't happened, and with me being more adult and sensible (a little bit, anyways), i know that if people were to reject me due to such trivialities, they wouldn't be worth hanging around anyways, and objectively speaking it wouldn't be a big deal. Surely, this knowledge conquers the fear? Nope, not by a long shot. This is a DEEP scar, and it's a huge hindrance in my life. I'm afraid to start drawing, i'm afraid to talk to (new) people, i'm afraid to reveal finer details about myself... In general, i'm terrified of rejection, and i'm terrified of putting myself in situations where i could be rejected. I'm also really, really bothered by failing, regardless of whether others see it or not. People always say "FAILURE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN", and i really wish i could live by that mentality, but every time i fail at something i want to do, it feels like post-it note delivered via a punch in the gut. Sure, i have the note saying what went wrong, but i also have the mental connotation of failure resulting in a gut punch, ON TOP OF the fear of rejection. Naturally, as i am fairly cautious, this makes me very reluctant to put myself in situations where that can happen, since i could just stay right here and do nothing and not risk a vast amount of badness when trying to get a bit of goodness. See the classical conditioning at work here? :I

At least all this introspection has made me realize the core issue of many of my problems.

[AlleeCat]

Does the chair have wheels? That can help.

It does, but they would stand up to use it or bring another chair over. There is no shortage of chairs in this house.

[WillowLuman]

Shook, how different are you talking? It sounds like you wouldn't want to tell us, but chances are, as you said, people wouldn't outright reject you over it.

[Sirus]

Even for a post-holiday Monday, today has been absolutely dreadful. Loads and assignments, for me at least, are FUBAR. I've been on the clock for nearly 8 hours now and, unless something changes, I've got 5 more to look forward to. All thanks to these FUBAR assignments that I have zero power or control over.

[Shook]

Shook, how different are you talking? It sounds like you wouldn't want to tell us, but chances are, as you said, people wouldn't outright reject you over it.

Well, beyond my preferences for pornography (which i don't believe are relevant to those around me at all), it's things as small and vague as being a dude who likes violins and is generally more emotional than he lets on. Although my family does know that i like to draw, i still get that constant feeling of dread (to begin with, at least), and merely showing my dumb doodles to my brother requires a willpower saving throw; these being the doodles that aren't out of the ordinary for me. Things like terrorseal are not something i have shown yet, because it reveals a wholly different side to my doodling, which is dark and spoopy in stark contrast to my usual goofy self. Terrorseal is not a one-off occurrence; there are many similar things going on in my head, both spoopy and non-spoopy, and a few of them have found their way to the outside world. In other words, there's more to me than the childlike goof that i'm pretty sure my family sees me as, and i fear (perhaps irrationally) that if they did get to see the entire story... Yeah. My logical side knows that there's nothing wrong with not being one-dimensional, but alas, several years of bullying have hammered in some very bad conditioning towards doing nothing instead of doing what i want to. For the record, that's an extremely damaging mindset to force upon a child/adolescent.

[Tiruin]

Spoiler: rambleramble (click to show/hide)

Perhaps even worse than this feeling is the feeling that i really have to behave in a specific way to not be rejected by those near me; this specific way being what is tried and true and what worked the first time around. While it is obviously perfectly normal to not behave identically in front of every different group of people you hang around with, i get the feeling that if i suddenly break the mold, bad things will happen. This includes my parents and my brother. Although my brother has the possibly slightly dubious honour of experiencing the closest there is to a true me in person, there are still perceived "dirty secrets" in my mind. As i've undoubtably rambled about before, coming out to my family as a budding artist was a terrifying ordeal to me. My usually goofy personality is obviously quite clear to them, and mom knows that i do have some difficulties from time to time, but... It's just incredibly difficult to put words to this apprehension, this... Fear, that i'm struggling with every day. The fear that if i suddenly turn out to be different than what people were expecting, they'd reject me instantly. I'm fearing this because if it did happen within my close relatives, i'd break down, hard.

But it hasn't happened, and with me being more adult and sensible (a little bit, anyways), i know that if people were to reject me due to such trivialities, they wouldn't be worth hanging around anyways, and objectively speaking it wouldn't be a big deal. Surely, this knowledge conquers the fear? Nope, not by a long shot. This is a DEEP scar, and it's a huge hindrance in my life. I'm afraid to start drawing, i'm afraid to talk to (new) people, i'm afraid to reveal finer details about myself... In general, i'm terrified of rejection, and i'm terrified of putting myself in situations where i could be rejected. I'm also really, really bothered by failing, regardless of whether others see it or not. People always say "FAILURE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN", and i really wish i could live by that mentality, but every time i fail at something i want to do, it feels like post-it note delivered via a punch in the gut. Sure, i have the note saying what went wrong, but i also have the mental connotation of failure resulting in a gut punch, ON TOP OF the fear of rejection. Naturally, as i am fairly cautious, this makes me very reluctant to put myself in situations where that can happen, since i could just stay right here and do nothing and not risk a vast amount of badness when trying to get a bit of goodness. See the classical conditioning at work here? :I

I think its with what you append to failure. Acknowledge that fear and approach it with a close buddy to test it out--let the buddy rate you, then ask them what they think could be improved upon :O Fear of rejection has its causes--if those causes aren't able to resolved, it would be best to counter what's occurring
Ask a friend as in, ask them how would they react--extend the 'hypothetical question' to your family and such. You've been wondering about it here, obviously. (PS: Do recall; those bullies aren't with you in the moment--aye, the memories = D: BUT, their kind of conditioning depends on adherence or attachment of ideas to events: know that there are factors in play with those events [the little details]. There, they concern attitude: this is why I say ask a friend--everyone has uniquely different personalities and attitudes when approaching a situation, though with many similarities {ie Bullies often have been troubled themselves in the past, and/or are...generally very immature.}

[Arx]

Ironing is an excercise in futility. I have razor creases now, sure, but in an hour they'll just be slight creases which don't look nearly as good.

[Spehss _]

Ughlughhlblughl. Tired. Feel down. Depressed? Ugh. Want to just give up. Occasional moments of suicidal idealization.

Bleh. Feels. Thought I was getting over that. Bleaaaaagh.

[Arx]

Don't give up, Spehss _!  I won't get to see any more of your sketches if you do.


Less important sad: I am not going to be at this school for long enough to get honours. It's a little annoying, since I more than meet every requirement except time.

[Truean]

My nerves are absolutely shot.

I'm sick of basically everything. I am NEVER hungry, no matter how much I eat or don't. So, I basically have to guess how much I should be eating and my weight goes up and down based upon that odd thing called not knowing how much I should eat. I can't let go of things that happened when they keep popping up; it's maddening. There's so much god damn corruption and I've been a part of so many efforts against it that it's just fucking exhausting. I don't care anymore. I get nothing for this that benefits me and usually end up screwed as a result. Fuck it. Fuck the idea that "budgets need cut." I hope the Feds come in here and shove their boot on throats to force people to pay to deal with this by making them hire inspector generals and investigators. This shit isn't my job; I couldn't have been the only one who noticed; and I shouldn't be the one getting this thrown at them.

I'm hating the world some more

[AlleeCat]

The problem with corruption is that there's so much of it that people end up giving up trying to get rid of it because it's so tiring.

[smjjames]

Truean, aren't there some whistleblower stuff that you can do?

As for the not feeling hungry, maybe see a doctor about that?

[MaximumZero]

Truean, aren't there some whistleblower stuff that you can do?

As for the not feeling hungry, maybe see a doctor about that?

That's most likely a stress thing, not a doctor thing.

[Truean]

Yes

Whistleblowers usually get screwed one way or another.  http://www.cracked.com/article_21043_5-terrible-things-i-learned-as-corporate-whistleblower.html

Eh, it's both stress and medical I guess? I stopped trying to keep count. For a bit there, they thought I might be nuts until I presented the tapes with corresponding telemetry and documents. [sigh].

Meanwhile, potential job opportunities take forever to get back to anybody if they ever do. Ever mounting expectations piling up on me, hurray! [not hurray]

[Jopax]

So today was pretty damn good actually. Did some good work, learned some new stuff, saw some friends, got some nice things said about the work I did, actually felt good about the work that was done. Heck I even excercised, it hurts like hell but it felt really good to push myself to do more than I think I could.

Then it comes to say that one little thing to a friend and it all comes crashing down because I just can't bring myself to say it, I really have no idea what I'm afraid of either tbh but I just can't bring myself to do it.

So an awesome day is brought to shit within literally the last hour, fuck.