Godamnit, why am I such an idiot, I'm always such a little ignorant douchbag until I can finally see how much of a moron I was when it's a billon times too late.
Everything I do descends into freak out self-deprecation time but I never think about it before I do it, I go 'oh, this Mafia game needs a new player! Why don't I join in? Pm time!' And for the next couple days I feel like crap because I'm the mafia and what if I've done this wrong, this wrong, and it never leads to anything, ever, just another few days feeling like crap and the rest of my life feeling stupid because of it.
Of course it doesn't help that I'm socially inept and that I turn into some sort of 'I'm better than everyone' ego-centric idiot, the same people I hate the most.
And whenever I finally and inevitably break down, people help, they always help, and I never deserve it.
I try to run an RTD and 3 days later, I feel crappy enough to freak out and leave the forum for a month.
I think myself great for getting through things without others helping, things which for normal people, isn't even a blip on their emotional radar.
And when I do screw up, my brain doesn't let me forget it, it's been years and even the smallest things I can't forget, forever my brain reminds me of every little incident I had, every little idiotic thing I did.
But my life should be so much better, I'm spoiled rotten, I have a great life, people who care for me, amazing luck, and I can't even tell them anything.
Why do I even try.