I can't say that I am sad. Sad is too weak a word for the complex flow of emotions within me. I am... Accepting? What else can I do? I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. I just wish...
That's it. Right there.
I wish.
I. Fuckin'. Wish.
I don't have any special talent or trait that stands out, you know. I'm 'smart', so people tell me. I have a decent memory, and I'm not slow. Let me be realistic here. I'm a fucking idiot with a quick tongue and a warped sense of self. My special ability? The one thing I can do better than anyone else?
I can wish.
I wish real good, you see. I wish for all sorts of things. Sometimes I wish for things I can't have, and sometimes for things I can have. I always wish and wish and wish. At this point, I've lost all sense of what that word means anymore. I don't have any wants. I have these vague, illusory things that I term 'wishes'. These broken hopes and false promises that taunt me from beyond my reach.
I wish I hadn't left that day. I wish I hadn't gotten angry. I wish I had stayed. I wish I had spoke up. I wish I wasn't always second best. I wish-
I wish I wasn't so fucking pathetic. I wish I had some goddamn discipline. I wish that I had hopes and dreams for my life. I wish I had a single goddamn aspiration. I wish someone would wake me up from this fucking nightmare that my life has become. I wish I was proud of the man I am. I wish I still had my honor.
But what does it matter? It doesn't. My wishes are simply fuckin' pipe dreams. They go up in smoke as soon as they are formed, never to be thought of again, lost to the uncaring haze. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I really want to go off the deep end and overdose or something, but I'm too 'smart' for that. I'm too 'smart' to make the right decision, and too 'smart' to cut my losses after making the wrong one. What do I do now?
Well. I guess I wait until tomorrow and see what new pleasures and pains it brings. Maybe I'll kill myself. Maybe I'll have the happiest day of my life. Who fucking knows.
Guess this is what life is all about, huh? Isn't this what I am supposed to do? Live it up, right?