The realization that, with near-eidetic memory, I'm basically genetically set up to be completely screwed out of any happiness whatsoever for the rest of my life.
A parade of all the things that I have ever regretted, been upset by... through my mind, whenever I get the slightest upset.
Chains made unwillingly and unwittingly, from which there is no escape, but ever more chains building upon and reinforcing themselves.
I've a memory like an elephant, though it is hilariously selective here and I've a ton of advice for you on these regrets.
Learn from them. Sure, you mess up--people mess up. There are things we could've done, lotsa things. We learn from them to grow. What causes reinforcement but the exposure to a concept? There is escape, and it is through understanding.
That, or I'd be haunted by my traumatic childhood \o/* Tiruin hugs Mr. Space Cat.
Now a piece of advice for you.
Stop treating your emotions like they're anchors stopping you from anything, or in the least 'making you be pathetic'.
You aren't pathetic for tearing up and crying
because you care about someone.I believe that she's still with you--in spirit. And by that, I mean by the values she has inculcated are still there, to remind you of her. She lived for something, something akin to benevolence.
You can never escape reality, only ignore it for long enough.
A funny thing with us Filipinos is that we believe, regardless of religion, that the spirits of our dead watch over us. Our ancestors: whether good or bad, watch over us in an intangible way, that our virtues and values are still shaped by them (moreso that we care about them): they may be gone physically but they aren't
truly gone. There is
nothing wrong with crying your eyes out when someone dear to you passes away.
Unless you hold some kind of weird viewpoint towards emotions that crying is weak and makes you seem pathetic...which is somehow only what I hear from people who don't understand that emotion at all.
'Tis hard to explain... :/