Once again, I find myself wanting to put something in here, about how I'm sad, and I realized that I sat here not typing anything for about 10 minutes, then decided to check my other tabs, and came back and I still don't know what to say, how to put my feelings into words.
All the details are gone, everything is the same now. There's no uniqueness to the days as they go by, it's all the same thing.
All of my emotions seem to consist of either depression or anger, until I can get home and sink into apathy again, for it to start again the next, identical day.
I got my check yesterday. Because of the many days of work I had to take off a while ago due to sickness, I didn't make enough to pay the bills. So now I have to ask for help and hope that they will be willing to.
My wife says that it's not my fault, and that I couldn't help getting sick, but I feel so worthless right now. I should be doing this, I should take care of things, and I don't. I feel like I should have just sucked it up and went to work anyway.
My mind is such a mess right now that I can't even focus my eyes right now, everything is coated with a slight blur, and I can't see colors right. My fingers feel heavy just trying to type, and I don't know what to do.
It's times like this that I want to just stop caring about everything, just find the part of myself that worries over everything and just shut it off, and go to sleep.
I know that this is just my depression acting up, and I have an appointment with a psychologist in just a couple weeks, but what do I do now? I really wish I didn't have this, that my mind would just get over itself and stop trying to make everything horrible.
I hate putting on this façade for everyone, because nobody will take the time to understand what this feels like, and they think that me being upset is just some attempt to get attention, so I have to act like nothing is ever wrong, and just continue to be the robot running on autopilot, without even so much as a pulse or shutter of independent thought.
I just can't take this much longer.