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[LeoLeonardoIII]

* Iceblaster sighs

I need to talk and just get this baggage on the luggage cart of Internet sob stories

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

There's this feeling in the back of my head telling me I'm 'Not an atheist and not bi because I'm just rebelling' and I've always pushed it aside as it just angered me I would doubt my beliefs and sexuality. I've actually had to sit down some days and really wonder if I'm those things and not just a Christian 'in denial.'

I've looked at my behavior multiple times. Ever since I openly identified as an athiest and a bisexual on the Internet, I've felt less inhibited. I've become more vulgar in terms of swearing, despite never swearing at all IRL. I've felt less 'awkward' playing around on the Internet and those wacky RP games. Hell, the UristMcStation guys can probably say that the absolutely odd things I'd play around with in terms if speech makes it fun to be around me.

My writing has improved drastically. I've felt less inhibited in what I could create. I could create an Al Capone like character, or -currently- a street urchin whose desires to thief never quite ended when he married the love of his life, descending into a half year of binge drinking before joining the military to clean up his act.

Then I look at myself in real life. A fourteen year old who's confused in many ways, sexually, theisticaly and whether or not he's being overly paranoid.

I sometimes have dreams about what my parents would do if they -for example- saw this. Sometimes they react with apathy, sometimes I 'have the devil beaten out' sometimes I get thrown into the streets. I've not had one of these dreams in a while... Maybe in improving somewhat.

I look at my social life. Bullied by mainly everyone because I was the one kid to throw temper tantrums in fifth grade. I'd yell and hell, if I had been less rational even then, I'd have probably started fights.

I never experienced romance or being at a friend's house. I'd always get told that if they aren't Christian or if they don't meet my parents' high standard of friendship, I'd limit myself to school communication only. Hell, even my friends would decide arbitrarily to join in the mocking. 'Go offer him a relationship' deal type thing to where I wasn't sure if it's genuine or not(spoiler: None were genuine)

The one person I had my eyes on was either part of the clique that had mainly people who hated me(or seemed like it) or taken by some jackass. I'd get stood up for by my peers, sure it's a given when you're computer lab teacher openly talks about you to other classes behind your back. I'm not one to say they're to blame though. I've probably caused 70% of my problems because I'm the kid who can't control his emotions.

I'd break down into tears because I got told I'd never grow up to be that thing I wanted to be. I'd then try to one up them and fail. I'd get pity from the teachers and nearby 'Defenders' I had.

There were two girls however. I won't give names, but... I felt like they were the most genuine people I'd seen. They'd talk to me and listen. Sure one of them I had my eyes on, but again. Jackass who happened to be that 16 year old in Seventh grade. I later learned they weren't returning next year. I tried and tried to get some way to talk, but I was never able to get the courage to flat out ask. I'd try to set up a situation where it'd be needed, but every time the jackass was there. On the day I found out the one I had my eyes in was Muslim, I didn't change. I told myself 'screw religion, I truly want to get romantically involved with her' I felt no different.

Then comes now. Ninth grade and looking at failing because frankly, I've lost motivation. I'd stare blankly, sometimes -I admit- look at Bay12 and post so I don't go and fall asleep. I've grown so accustomed to having people around me and there being a teacher behind by back, the day I get out in homeschooled I just... Go blank. I've considered posting this, I've also considered not.

I've decided that if I want to show I do believe that if I can vent anywhere -even to the Internet, full of its hate- it'd make me feel better. Hell, maybe I'll get the motivation again.

Ring ring, one more for the cart bell boy!

I don't know about you, but from an older person's perspective this seems really hopeful. All that school social stuff is garbage and adults don't treat each other like that - if they do, they have some growing up to do. You're leaving that crappy environment soon.

One thing I would caution, as someone who home-schooled after Elementary was over and took the GED (high school equivalent test): don't waste the time that you have. Even if you pursue something that isn't typical school curriculum, but is something that really interests you, do it. You can get into a community college and inexpensively take all the remedial classes you need.

For example, if you spend your time writing, you can probably test into English 101 on your SATs, although you might profit from going back to English 100 (technical structure of the language stuff rather than essay writing).

Second, don't go the easy route in college. Get a degree that will make you employable. Or look at all the writing-related degrees and pick the one that is most employable. Even if you don't plan to go past a 2-year degree, those writing classes really help. And all the electives you end up taking like a foreign language, social sciences, hard sciences, end up making you a writer with more interesting things to say.

I'd suggest that a writer needs curiosity most of all. If you're curious and intrepid everything else will follow.

Going back to the relationship stuff. I also didn't socialize enough as a child or teen. When I became a young adult I made a bunch of stupid moves and talked like an idiot, but I learned and developed. When I turn 50 I'm going to look back on myself now and spot all the stupid moves and idiotic talk I'm doing now. That's how it goes. If you're at all similar I suspect you'll get out into the world and suffer some stormy seas before everything turns out alright.

You will approach the world and everyone in it as yourself. Not as who your parents are, or what people said in school. You enter a room and what people see is whatever you decide to project. And if you project who you really are, you will quickly find people who think you're awesome and want to spend time with you - and you with them.

In summary: don't give up, work hard on what you love, and truthfully things will work out.

[Kadzar]

In other news, I've taken a different approach to the exit option, now I don't want it as a cowards move, I want it because I am tired of feeling like there is some pattern in all of this and I don't care if it's a god doing this, or the matrix, or nothing at all but I want to rebel in the biggest way and try my luck at the other side because it all feels empty and like broken glass over here.

I really think you should give this world a bit more of a chance. Once you move on, you can't come back, as far as we know, unless reincarnation is a thing, in which case you have no idea where or what you'll come back as.

[FearfulJesuit]

In other news, Chris-chan's house has burned down. Not sure how much, though.

[Helgoland]

And if you've been feeling like that for a long time, see a doctor. Mental illnesses often go undiagnosed.
If it's just temporary though, find someone to talk to. A good friend generally is a good choice

[XXSockXX]

In other news, I've taken a different approach to the exit option, now I don't want it as a cowards move, I want it because I am tired of feeling like there is some pattern in all of this and I don't care if it's a god doing this, or the matrix, or nothing at all but I want to rebel in the biggest way and try my luck at the other side because it all feels empty and like broken glass over here.

I really think you should give this world a bit more of a chance. Once you move on, you can't come back, as far as we know, unless reincarnation is a thing, in which case you have no idea where or what you'll come back as.

Thirded. Especially since it seems you're depressed about a broken heart situation - that is something you can get over and move on to something better. Take it from someone with experience in that field, romantic troubles are not worth giving up. You're current problems may seem pretty meaningless if you give it enough time. From what you posted earlier in this thread you're just getting started, quitting now would be a waste.

[Fniff]

Spoiler: Depressed rant within (click to show/hide)

It's hard to describe how I feel right now. It's sort of like dread, laziness and a desire for punishment that never properly comes. Not quite the best description, but, that's how I've been feeling a lot of the time, mostly for these past two years. It's just been short periods of happiness followed by seemingly long periods of deep, indescribable dread followed by the occasional hidden quiet freak-out cry session. Every time I leave those times I always say to myself, hey, that was a breaking point! It's all up from here! Except it never is, is it? Always the same things. Every time I try to follow the rules and regulations of life (Usually sane rules, like making proper food for yourself and washing yourself), it seems I always fuck up and forget one rule and everyone is angry with me and to be honest I cannot even bother trying to stand up for myself because well, they're pretty much right.

Nothing feels real. Not even my emotions. I think about self-harming or suicide because that's what other depressed people do, like I'm deciding whether or not to go with a particular fashion or not. I think clichéd thoughts because that feels better then simply not knowing what the hell I'm actually feeling. I fantasize about reaching a point where I can do nothing but just lay all my anger and issues on the table so I can actually get something done, but when the time comes up I can only weep and blubber through one, poorly constructed point.

God. I don't even know what to say now. I can't even call this my rock bottom cos I know you can always go lower. Everything I do just seems so pointless, even my sadness isn't even comparable to what people live through every day of their lives. It's self-awareness and self-pity combined. I can't even call it depression because I know depression and that's not it. Shit, what my mother goes through just to take care of me with all my bullshit, that's the circumstances for depression.

I just wish I had someone who I could tell all of this. The internet isn't a good place for that, but I just can't think of anything else.

So yeah... Not feeling great. Just thought I'd get it all out in a burst.

[Iceblaster]

* Iceblaster sighs

I need to talk and just get this baggage on the luggage cart of Internet sob stories

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

There's this feeling in the back of my head telling me I'm 'Not an atheist and not bi because I'm just rebelling' and I've always pushed it aside as it just angered me I would doubt my beliefs and sexuality. I've actually had to sit down some days and really wonder if I'm those things and not just a Christian 'in denial.'

I've looked at my behavior multiple times. Ever since I openly identified as an athiest and a bisexual on the Internet, I've felt less inhibited. I've become more vulgar in terms of swearing, despite never swearing at all IRL. I've felt less 'awkward' playing around on the Internet and those wacky RP games. Hell, the UristMcStation guys can probably say that the absolutely odd things I'd play around with in terms if speech makes it fun to be around me.

My writing has improved drastically. I've felt less inhibited in what I could create. I could create an Al Capone like character, or -currently- a street urchin whose desires to thief never quite ended when he married the love of his life, descending into a half year of binge drinking before joining the military to clean up his act.

Then I look at myself in real life. A fourteen year old who's confused in many ways, sexually, theisticaly and whether or not he's being overly paranoid.

I sometimes have dreams about what my parents would do if they -for example- saw this. Sometimes they react with apathy, sometimes I 'have the devil beaten out' sometimes I get thrown into the streets. I've not had one of these dreams in a while... Maybe in improving somewhat.

I look at my social life. Bullied by mainly everyone because I was the one kid to throw temper tantrums in fifth grade. I'd yell and hell, if I had been less rational even then, I'd have probably started fights.

I never experienced romance or being at a friend's house. I'd always get told that if they aren't Christian or if they don't meet my parents' high standard of friendship, I'd limit myself to school communication only. Hell, even my friends would decide arbitrarily to join in the mocking. 'Go offer him a relationship' deal type thing to where I wasn't sure if it's genuine or not(spoiler: None were genuine)

The one person I had my eyes on was either part of the clique that had mainly people who hated me(or seemed like it) or taken by some jackass. I'd get stood up for by my peers, sure it's a given when you're computer lab teacher openly talks about you to other classes behind your back. I'm not one to say they're to blame though. I've probably caused 70% of my problems because I'm the kid who can't control his emotions.

I'd break down into tears because I got told I'd never grow up to be that thing I wanted to be. I'd then try to one up them and fail. I'd get pity from the teachers and nearby 'Defenders' I had.

There were two girls however. I won't give names, but... I felt like they were the most genuine people I'd seen. They'd talk to me and listen. Sure one of them I had my eyes on, but again. Jackass who happened to be that 16 year old in Seventh grade. I later learned they weren't returning next year. I tried and tried to get some way to talk, but I was never able to get the courage to flat out ask. I'd try to set up a situation where it'd be needed, but every time the jackass was there. On the day I found out the one I had my eyes in was Muslim, I didn't change. I told myself 'screw religion, I truly want to get romantically involved with her' I felt no different.

Then comes now. Ninth grade and looking at failing because frankly, I've lost motivation. I'd stare blankly, sometimes -I admit- look at Bay12 and post so I don't go and fall asleep. I've grown so accustomed to having people around me and there being a teacher behind by back, the day I get out in homeschooled I just... Go blank. I've considered posting this, I've also considered not.

I've decided that if I want to show I do believe that if I can vent anywhere -even to the Internet, full of its hate- it'd make me feel better. Hell, maybe I'll get the motivation again.

Ring ring, one more for the cart bell boy!

-snip-

Thanks, really I didn't mean to go into my social problems. It originally was just my little rant on my confusion on my sexuality and religious beliefs.

On writing:

I never planned on turning it into something to employ me, however that is always a possibility.

All in all, thanks, never expected a reply

[Gotdamnmiracle]

I appreciate it, the support, but this all feels so much like deja vu. Every time someone says they are going to do something extreme everyone, even absolute strangers, absolutely panic. Every time you get a broken heart, it's "theres plenty of fish," and I feel bad all the way up until the point where it fades away to the dullest shade of gray. I feel so helpless. I want to make a violent change. I want to be mad and have people recognize it.

I am tired of being a slave and I feel like I only ever get built up enough to be knocked down again. Fuck yeah, I probably have depression, but I would never tell anyone because of the stigma. I don't believe in god, but by this point I don't care. I figure if I end it, I'm going to hell anyway if there is a god and if he can forgive me for a life of not believing in him, he can understand ending one. My bet is on something unimaginable, and I am ready to attack it. I feel like this is redundant bashing my head against an immovable object.

With Annie, she was something special. I usually enter into relationships feeling very little, getting to know the person is a process and I enjoy the companionship, but I have never received any disney sensation. I'm going to miss all of the little things about her and I don't want to go throughout the whole deal again just to be disappointed. She said it just didn't feel right, and I can't argue, because it never feels like anything special until you build that. Maybe I am just cold and dead inside.

I feel like my life is on hold because of the military, and everyone else looks at it as I'm the only one really living. I've decided iron poisoning is the way to go. Not very violent or courageous, but it gets the job done and leaves a pretty corpse. I missed my opportunities to do anything cool when I didn't slit my throat back in high school at a pep rally or paint the walls of my girlfriends car with my brains. Now all I can hope for is to die in another country and people to mourn, but hopefully get over it. That's why I joined anyway.

Selfish? Yeah, I'm awful.

Also, yeah, I'm fine with pms.

[Gotdamnmiracle]

That being said, I'm not decided on anything. The future is as uncertain as rushing water and I just feel helpless. I've managed up until this point and I pride myself on my endurance, but I'm the first one to point out there is no hope when that is the case, and if what tomorrow brings is bad enough, I fear that the inevitable will become reality. After all, if I can't control my life...

[Urist McOriginalname]

I have been through some really though s*** and atheism kind of opened my eyes to the concept that we live only once where no matter how ****ed up the situation gets i just stay cool because i know that [worst joke ever]we try so hard and get so far but in the end it doesn't even matter[/worst ever joke pls kill me]. This helped me get through the thoughts of suicide and agree with myself that there is nothing to lose even if i live a crappy life.

[Kadzar]

I appreciate it, the support, but this all feels so much like deja vu. Every time someone says they are going to do something extreme everyone, even absolute strangers, absolutely panic. Every time you get a broken heart, it's "theres plenty of fish," and I feel bad all the way up until the point where it fades away to the dullest shade of gray. I feel so helpless. I want to make a violent change. I want to be mad and have people recognize it.

I am tired of being a slave and I feel like I only ever get built up enough to be knocked down again. Fuck yeah, I probably have depression, but I would never tell anyone because of the stigma. I don't believe in god, but by this point I don't care. I figure if I end it, I'm going to hell anyway if there is a god and if he can forgive me for a life of not believing in him, he can understand ending one. My bet is on something unimaginable, and I am ready to attack it. I feel like this is redundant bashing my head against an immovable object.

With Annie, she was something special. I usually enter into relationships feeling very little, getting to know the person is a process and I enjoy the companionship, but I have never received any disney sensation. I'm going to miss all of the little things about her and I don't want to go throughout the whole deal again just to be disappointed. She said it just didn't feel right, and I can't argue, because it never feels like anything special until you build that. Maybe I am just cold and dead inside.

I feel like my life is on hold because of the military, and everyone else looks at it as I'm the only one really living. I've decided iron poisoning is the way to go. Not very violent or courageous, but it gets the job done and leaves a pretty corpse. I missed my opportunities to do anything cool when I didn't slit my throat back in high school at a pep rally or paint the walls of my girlfriends car with my brains. Now all I can hope for is to die in another country and people to mourn, but hopefully get over it. That's why I joined anyway.

Selfish? Yeah, I'm awful.

Also, yeah, I'm fine with pms.

At the very least, don't do it so soon after your break-up. If you care anything for this girl, you'll wait a while so she doesn't think breaking-up with you caused you to kill yourself. Whether it's true or not, it'd be a horrible thing for someone to have to live with.

[cerapa]

I am tired of being a slave and I feel like I only ever get built up enough to be knocked down again. Fuck yeah, I probably have depression, but I would never tell anyone because of the stigma. I don't believe in god, but by this point I don't care. I figure if I end it, I'm going to hell anyway if there is a god and if he can forgive me for a life of not believing in him, he can understand ending one. My bet is on something unimaginable, and I am ready to attack it. I feel like this is redundant bashing my head against an immovable object.

Sorry if this is a very rude question, but...

If you are not afraid of dying and everything that involves, why are you scared of stigma?

[MagmaMcFry]

A note on that: Pretty much everyone goes through the "help, I can't handle my life" phase at some point, which means that just because you think you're doing a shitty job doesn't mean that you are actually doing one. And yes, the future is uncertain, but the type of afterlife you're gonna get (if any) is even more uncertain, so if you can't handle uncertainty, you should probably stick to being alive, and if you can, then why not stay alive for a while?

Also, there's a really important consideration to make: It's easy to kill yourself, but it's kinda impossible to unkill yourself in case you regret being dead. So keep living as long as you can, even if you don't enjoy it, because while you can miss out on a whole lot of being alive, any afterlife can always wait for later.

[Gotdamnmiracle]

Sorry if this is a very rude question, but...

If you are not afraid of dying and everything that involves, why are you scared of stigma?

Less afraid, more pissed off by. Anybody doing stuff that isn't helping under the guise of helping is sick and the way America handles it is flawed. It would be more standing between me and having the freedom to choose. Usually they lock you up for an attempt and don't let you go until you lie your way right out the door. Then the rest of you life is spent like an AA member. Thinking of that part as part of a disease, not the real you.

What I really want to do, fantasize about, is wander the desert.

If I honestly thought I could find some kind of help I would bring it up, but all I've ever seen is labeling and overmedication and I'm not going to live a life like that, because I honestly believe nothing is wrong with me beyond the fact that something at the very core of my being is repulsive and just repels over time. From what I can glean, good qualities on the surface, bad vibes below.

[Gotdamnmiracle]

Oh, ha, well that and the crippling sadness. The lack of happiness really doesn't help to much either. But that comes in waves.