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[Helgoland]

In other news, I've taken a different approach to the exit option, now I don't want it as a cowards move, I want it because I am tired of feeling like there is some pattern in all of this and I don't care if it's a god doing this, or the matrix, or nothing at all but I want to rebel in the biggest way and try my luck at the other side because it all feels empty and like broken glass over here.

Is he saying he'll kill himself?

[IronTomato]

Ugh, this month our 5 Gigabyte limit for our Internet was somehow exceeded by 10 extra gigabytes.

I don't understand, since I didn't do anything differently, and my PC says it's only used 2 gigs....

[10ebbor10]

Virus, or someone else used most of it.

[Dutchling]

Do you have 12-year old boys around?

[Tiruin]

Ugh, this month our 5 Gigabyte limit for our Internet was somehow exceeded by 10 extra gigabytes.

I don't understand, since I didn't do anything differently, and my PC says it's only used 2 gigs....

Probably file in a complaint there or request to know what had happened with your ISP?

Do you have 12-year old boys around?

>_>
Not this age-thing again.

[Dutchling]

What age-thing?

[Helgoland]

In other news, I've taken a different approach to the exit option, now I don't want it as a cowards move, I want it because I am tired of feeling like there is some pattern in all of this and I don't care if it's a god doing this, or the matrix, or nothing at all but I want to rebel in the biggest way and try my luck at the other side because it all feels empty and like broken glass over here.

Is he saying he'll kill himself?

Seriously, I'd like some input - I'm a bit worried...

[MagmaMcFry]

It definitely looks like that.

Gotdamnmiracle, here's a question: Do you believe your mind will be left intact in whatever afterlife you hope to land in? Because if no, it's going to be a different person who experiences that afterlife, and if yes, you'll likely be depressed in the afterlife too. Srsly, it's not worth the risk.

[Tiruin]

I'd firstly ask: Why don't you want 'other fish'? Was it her decision that made you feel that way? Are you ok if I continue this in PMs?

[IronTomato]

WAIT

Do iPads use more than PCs on Youtube? I've watched some videos on it. Not many, but it may be at least part of the problem.

In other news, I've taken a different approach to the exit option, now I don't want it as a cowards move, I want it because I am tired of feeling like there is some pattern in all of this and I don't care if it's a god doing this, or the matrix, or nothing at all but I want to rebel in the biggest way and try my luck at the other side because it all feels empty and like broken glass over here.

Is he saying he'll kill himself?

Seriously, I'd like some input - I'm a bit worried...

I can't really give much advice for that.

[Iceblaster]

* Iceblaster sighs

I need to talk and just get this baggage on the luggage cart of Internet sob stories

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

There's this feeling in the back of my head telling me I'm 'Not an atheist and not bi because I'm just rebelling' and I've always pushed it aside as it just angered me I would doubt my beliefs and sexuality. I've actually had to sit down some days and really wonder if I'm those things and not just a Christian 'in denial.'

I've looked at my behavior multiple times. Ever since I openly identified as an athiest and a bisexual on the Internet, I've felt less inhibited. I've become more vulgar in terms of swearing, despite never swearing at all IRL. I've felt less 'awkward' playing around on the Internet and those wacky RP games. Hell, the UristMcStation guys can probably say that the absolutely odd things I'd play around with in terms if speech makes it fun to be around me.

My writing has improved drastically. I've felt less inhibited in what I could create. I could create an Al Capone like character, or -currently- a street urchin whose desires to thief never quite ended when he married the love of his life, descending into a half year of binge drinking before joining the military to clean up his act.

Then I look at myself in real life. A fourteen year old who's confused in many ways, sexually, theisticaly and whether or not he's being overly paranoid.

I sometimes have dreams about what my parents would do if they -for example- saw this. Sometimes they react with apathy, sometimes I 'have the devil beaten out' sometimes I get thrown into the streets. I've not had one of these dreams in a while... Maybe in improving somewhat.

I look at my social life. Bullied by mainly everyone because I was the one kid to throw temper tantrums in fifth grade. I'd yell and hell, if I had been less rational even then, I'd have probably started fights.

I never experienced romance or being at a friend's house. I'd always get told that if they aren't Christian or if they don't meet my parents' high standard of friendship, I'd limit myself to school communication only. Hell, even my friends would decide arbitrarily to join in the mocking. 'Go offer him a relationship' deal type thing to where I wasn't sure if it's genuine or not(spoiler: None were genuine)

The one person I had my eyes on was either part of the clique that had mainly people who hated me(or seemed like it) or taken by some jackass. I'd get stood up for by my peers, sure it's a given when you're computer lab teacher openly talks about you to other classes behind your back. I'm not one to say they're to blame though. I've probably caused 70% of my problems because I'm the kid who can't control his emotions.

I'd break down into tears because I got told I'd never grow up to be that thing I wanted to be. I'd then try to one up them and fail. I'd get pity from the teachers and nearby 'Defenders' I had.

There were two girls however. I won't give names, but... I felt like they were the most genuine people I'd seen. They'd talk to me and listen. Sure one of them I had my eyes on, but again. Jackass who happened to be that 16 year old in Seventh grade. I later learned they weren't returning next year. I tried and tried to get some way to talk, but I was never able to get the courage to flat out ask. I'd try to set up a situation where it'd be needed, but every time the jackass was there. On the day I found out the one I had my eyes in was Muslim, I didn't change. I told myself 'screw religion, I truly want to get romantically involved with her' I felt no different.

Then comes now. Ninth grade and looking at failing because frankly, I've lost motivation. I'd stare blankly, sometimes -I admit- look at Bay12 and post so I don't go and fall asleep. I've grown so accustomed to having people around me and there being a teacher behind by back, the day I get out in homeschooled I just... Go blank. I've considered posting this, I've also considered not.

I've decided that if I want to show I do believe that if I can vent anywhere -even to the Internet, full of its hate- it'd make me feel better. Hell, maybe I'll get the motivation again.

Ring ring, one more for the cart bell boy!

[Shakerag]

Yeah well, someday everyone else will outnumber the combined Christians, assholes and 'non-assholes' alike. Nothing like repressing some fringe, minority group, right? Keep them tightly controlled and they'll start conforming to rational mode of thought.

Hopefully, the whole country will make certain brain-poison ideologies illegal, so we don't have to deal with these retard hay-seed republicans trying to argue about 'gun rights' or any kind of person that does'nt see reason.

Flush that shit down the toliet I say.

While I would certainly be happier with the elimination of organized religion, I'll settle for somewhere in the middle.  Religious people can have their imaginary friends, and I can have a government that isn't influenced by religious beliefs. 

When you want to start putting crosses and ten commandments in government buildings/property, then I get pissed.  Which is why I link to ffrf.org in my sig >_>

[Rose]

I have my personal beliefs that don't have much to do with any mainstream religion other than there being a creator of the universe.

Beyond that, eh.

[The Darkling Wolf]

I'm an Apathist. There might be a god, there might not, I don't care either way.

[JoshuaFH]

I'm racked with indecision, and I hate myself for it.

When I'm playing my 3DS, I have tons of games to play, and with Netflix I have hundreds of movies and shows to watch on it, but recently I can't bring myself to play any of them or watch anything new, I'll just boot up the Youtube App and watch things I've already watched a hundreds of times over. Even the games I supposedly 'really like' just seem really intimidating and scary, and I just want to lose myself in the comfort of nostalgic things.

I just dropped something like 700 bucks on all these new computer parts to build this gaming rig I've "told myself" I've been wanting for a long time now. When I finish making the purchases, I'm filled with anxiety. When I think of what I'll do once it's actually fully built, I can't think of any games I even want to play. I'm starting to think maybe it was a mistake, with it's only redeeming feature being that I finally have something to build, as it's been years since I've actually built something with my own hands, and that's 'possibly' interesting.

Near every day now, I'm just trapped thinking about whatever little romance I've experienced. In my head, all the details blur together, and it's a fast little montage of insignificant success. Despite my loneliness that chews away at my well-being every day, I'm so hesitant to go out looking for love, or flirt with the odd cute girl that I manage to speak with, or even go to Okcupid that I have an account on. Every remotely attractive girl is the same mixture of seemingly unapproachable + uncertainty of even wanting companionship + potential of being THE landmine that sinks my self-esteem for good. I've just retreated back into the socially-enclosed shell that I had inhabited at the beginning of 2013, and it's just as uncomfortable now as it was then.

I can possibly see a new Shrink tomorrow. But by new shrink, I mean Old Shrink, the one who counseled me in my High School days. I knew simply too well how hard, and how long I've spent just forgetting those virulently nightmarish days, and I'm not sure, just not sure if I want to revisit the person who knows me from those days, just to tell him how little I've grown, how my life since he had last seen me more then 6 years ago has essentially been one giant waste of life, a failure of creation for sure. I don't know if I want to go with it, but I don't want to just sit here waiting forever.

Cause that what things seem to be boiling down to alot nowadays. Just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm just wait myself to old age, then death, and it'll be like nothing's ever happened. That's what it seems like, for sure.