I just feel so sick with myself, so disgusting, so angry and frustrated with myself..
What I did tonight was breakdown and go to a strip club, just cause I wanted any female contact. I regret it now, so much. I couldn't relax at all, I feel so guilty when I waste money frivolously. There weren't any girls I found genuinely attractive, I kept being distracted by how lifeless and mechanical their nude dancing was. And when there was one girl that I found attractive, she wouldn't pay any attention to me.
It really does feel like I drag around an aura that says 'Don't Talk to Me', and even when I'm willing to let go a lot of money just to feel like I'm dispelled of it, it's so evident that the aura's clutched onto me and won't let go.
And so I broke down even further, and did something I internally swore to never do: I started flipping through old texts on my phone that I'd been saving for months, written by the last girl I dated so long ago. I wanted to read them again cause she was so sincerely calling me cute and handsome, she was so playful and nice and smart, I just wanted to feel that kind of good attention again.
I had to walk out of the club when I started welling up right there, before anyone noticed. I cried a little driving back home. Pulling into my driveway and turning the ignition off, I was just so upset I sat in the pitch blackness of my car for twenty minutes or so trying to put my head together.
I'm losing all hope in my life. What the fuck is wrong with me.