Well, given the current conversation, this is pretty poorly timed--but I'm posting anyway. I've had a lot of time to think this over through being sick and whatnot.
I've finally hacked through most of my bullshit psychological self-defense mechanisms and all that's left is a very pure feeling of pain and longing that I don't know how to deal with anymore.
Normally I'd say "Ugh, I don't want to feel anything ever again!" or internally fume and think: "Yuck, V., you're such a girl" or try to think of some way to FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT (but from experience, that tension just makes everything worse) or call someone to talk to them, scratching a non-functional personal companionship itch. And it's not just about negative emotions, because I also feel happiness now without trying to qualify "but that's not really important" or "don't get too happy about that, you're going to look like an idiot" or trying to dredge up everything negative in an experience I can possibly think of. Or I'd get angry. . . or I'd laugh. Anything to cheapen my emotions and make them faker, add a layer, convince other people that I'm unfeeling and cynical enough. Anything to convince others that I'm deep and tough enough that I really couldn't be moved--by broken ribs, by heartbreak, by love, by music.
The bullshit attempt to qualify everything as "new" or "not new." "I'm used to it. It's fine." "I'm so happy--this has never happened before." All ways to try to make good things look larger, and bad look smaller--and refuse to confront them as themselves.
And my old black-and-white way of seeing has finally diminished, and I can see that all my appeals to essential principles were . . . wrong. It wasn't true that no one had been kind to me, or that no one had been kind enough. I shunned people who DID exist, and I welcomed people I shouldn't have, often on opinion rather than any sort of moral decision--and tried to pretend it wasn't so. And I never meant to do so. . . but I have to be honest, now, that I have been plenty "shallow."
Over the past few weeks I've cleared these things out and cleared them up and seen more clearly and despite what I said above this is new, or at least it feels unfamiliar--it's leaving me unsteady. I can't tell you if I've been like this before, or when, or how I dealt with it. I simply don't remember well enough who I was as a child. And I can't tell you what I'll do, since I don't have any plans.
I really. . . just want to go, day by day, feeling warm, being loved. I'll admit it baldfaced, now. I've pretended, off and on, that this wasn't the case, and made a lot of bad decisions based on the idea that cold comforts were good enough; that all I cared about, in life, was polish and brilliance. Some of this was abusive conditioning, and some of it was just me being an idiot. No, it wasn't true. Was it ever true? I don't know. All I know is that it's not true right now.
Hi, I'm Vector, and I like collecting cute dishes and warm socks, and reading romantic poetry, and I always fantasize about sewing lovers shirts. And I like running around underdressed in the rain and mist and martial arts and yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach (I'm not a great cook, and haven't loved myself all that much, to be frank), and I always miss my old friends terribly--even when they were bad for me. I like moths and bugs and mathematics and am too embarrassed to wear cute hairclips but I always stand around awkwardly in the aisle staring at them before moving on to look for presents to buy somebody else.
No one's ever cut my hair but myself and my mother and although I mostly wear black and dark blue most everything else I buy is pastel and over-decorated, and none of it matches. I'm desperately afraid of being boring and alone forever and I have a mild speech impediment I'm both ashamed and proud of. I bend easily to peer pressure and am kind of a hypocrite but for some reason I refuse to do anything about my hairy toes despite everything and I've spent a lot of my life being kind of mean and uppity, which I'm pretty sure I'll either be atoning for until I die or I'll forget about by tomorrow. Probably both.
And I don't know if I'm going to always be able to admit it, but I'll be completely forthcoming today. It's getting easier, and I feel better.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9744780 times)