Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Pnx]

A fear of death and value of life are really just instinctive things, but that's digressing. Alot of my ideation is just feeling that my life is socially (as in existing as a part of society) worthless, and that I just can't take myself seriously or expect anyone else to understand.

Isn't this true of pretty much everyone? I mean no offence, but yes, the world will probably keep on ticking if you die, you will very likely have a small pool of people that are very sad about it, but they're probably not going to stop their lives on account of it. Now there's some exceptions to this rule, and that's the very close friends and family members you might accumulate, but they are as I said, exceptions, and people typically don't have many of them.

I seriously advise against worrying about your worth to society or the world, because honestly it seriously doubt it will twitch an eyelash at your coming or going.

I feel I can't give you a proper response Solifuge, these posts of mine are usually constructed over the course of an hour or more, and I need to get prepared for work right now.

But putting the Stop Sign Incident aside, the experience at the Shrink's made me question if I'm just wasting my time and money and energy just trying futilely to get another human being to understand me, when I already know it can't be done?

If I may... what exactly is so hard to understand about you?

[JoshuaFH]

A fear of death and value of life are really just instinctive things, but that's digressing. Alot of my ideation is just feeling that my life is socially (as in existing as a part of society) worthless, and that I just can't take myself seriously or expect anyone else to understand.

Isn't this true of pretty much everyone? I mean no offence, but yes, the world will probably keep on ticking if you die, you will very likely have a small pool of people that are very sad about it, but they're probably not going to stop their lives on account of it. Now there's some exceptions to this rule, and that's the very close friends and family members you might accumulate, but they are as I said, exceptions, and people typically don't have many of them.

I seriously advise against worrying about your worth to society or the world, because honestly it seriously doubt it will twitch an eyelash at your coming or going.

I feel I can't give you a proper response Solifuge, these posts of mine are usually constructed over the course of an hour or more, and I need to get prepared for work right now.

But putting the Stop Sign Incident aside, the experience at the Shrink's made me question if I'm just wasting my time and money and energy just trying futilely to get another human being to understand me, when I already know it can't be done?

If I may... what exactly is so hard to understand about you?

I don't know, maybe I'm just being a melodramatic 24 year old hairy piece of shit adult man, but even on here it seems noone can relate. I try telling people irl about things that legitimately mean alot to me, and 100% of the time I'm getting stares like "Are you crazy? Are you fucking stupid? What's wrong with you?". Even from the fucking Quack, I'm just trying to tell him shit, and I just get the feeling he has no idea what the hell to say, so he just falls back to trite affirmations to hurry me out of the office asap. I'm just not sure how to cope when I can expect this kind of patronization from basically everybody in my life.

[Sirus]

Er, Joshua? Exactly the same age as you, been in exactly the same situations as you (at least from what you describe). I'm 99% sure that there are other people on this site who have been through the same stuff. We get it. You honestly think you're the only person who wonders if the world would be a better or worse place if you were gone, or never existed at all? You have any idea how many nights I stayed up late, wondering if I could contribute more to the world as a pile of fertilizer and dirt instead of myself as a person? Wanna guess how often I found myself pondering "Could I really hurt myself, or am I too much of a chicken to do it"?

I'm a 24 year old male who has never had a meaningful relationship with another human being. I remember your posts in the happy thread about your dating life; even if they didn't turn out as well as you wanted, they're still far and beyond what I've managed to accomplish. You're taking steps to try and improve your life, and while it may be hard right now you need to stick with it, or find something that works better. You can get out of that pit you're in, and succeed in whatever way you deem meaningful. You just have to keep fighting and never, ever give up.

Well, I don't know what else to say at the moment. I'm not a shrink and I tend to ramble, so if you want to disregard this post go right ahead. Just know that you do in fact have people who support you here.

[Vector]

I don't respond to you because I don't want to remember what that was like.

[SalmonGod]

I've never responded, because I can't relate to the self-loathing side of depression.  I've never dealt with that.  I have dealt with the extreme loneliness, loss, and dissatisfaction with life side of it, though.  I had no one I would consider a real friend for about 5 years, and then another 3 years where I only had online friends.  Dealt with bullying all those 8 years.  And towards the end of that period, the best friend I'd made online and most precious person in the world to me at that time suddenly broke off contact with me after we'd had a chance to meet in person for the first time.  I was quite a mess for a long time after that.  So I totally get that part of what you're dealing with...

[Hanslanda]

Drug Court has brought me to an unpleasant realization about myself. I have a crippling lack of motivation, a vast pool of apathy soaking my soul. I have tried and tried and tried, but I just can't beat it. I can't do it.

By myself.

Every time I think I'm getting close to someone, it gets better. I start being able to do the things I want to do, to act the way I want to act. Then, it comes back, cuts me off, drags me down again. I CAN get close to people, and love them and be with them. I know I can. I have before. And that is exactly what is killing me. This might sound pathetic, but I need to be close to someone. It's just part of my character or something. Without someone, I am purposeless. Codependency to the max, right there.

So, I have my problem and my solution, yes? Not quite. The problem is precluding the solution. I've been close before, as I've said, and now... Everytime I try to get close, I just remember how much of a fucker I was in the past, and how little I have to offer anyone. "Hey, I'm probably going to be a felon, could go to prison tomorrow, I'm a drug addict, I have no real career prospects, I have no aspirations, and I live with my parents and have no car while spending all my money on shit I don't need! "

And I can't fix it. I can't fix me, because I'm not broken. I'm neurotic and clinically depressed, yeah. But I formed this way. I'm not broken. Despite all the shit Drug Court wants to shove down my throat about how everything I do is wrong and bad and shit, I'm not fucking bad, or wrong. I'm me. That's it. Fuck you, take your 'better' and shove it up your ass, I don't care. I am HAPPY with the person I am, because inside, I am a DAMN FINE human being. I treat people better than most, I do my best to help those less fortunate than me, which is a lot of people, and I try to better myself when possible. I'm fucked up in the head and lost and confused and lonely, but that makes me STRONG. I am fucking far stronger than anyone will probably ever give me credit for, and that is my secret pride.

So bring on the pain, I can take it. I may be weak and scared, but I am not too scared to fight, or too weak to be myself, even if I am not the perfect person. No one is. I hope, Joshua, that you too are strong enough to accept yourself, warts and all. We all kinda fucking suck, but the beauty in life is taking in the ugly and making it beautiful. Diamonds all start off as plain old carbon. Nobody thinks carbon is sexy. It takes a lot of time and, unfortunately, pressure to make a beautiful flawless diamond.

(Unless you cheat and make cubic zirconia but that's CHEATING. )

[Sirus]

"Nobody thinks carbon is sexy."

OBJECTION!  I've known some damn sexy people, and unless they're secretly space aliens they're all made of carbon.

Plus nanotubes and stuff. Sexy in a different way.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say about the rest of your post, Hans

[Descan]

You're all adorable motherfuckers, you can take that to the bank!

... Assuming the bank accepts forum posts by weird fuzzy Canadian nerds.

You might have to go to Yemen or something to find that bank. >____>

[JoshuaFH]

Thanks Hans & Sirus & everyone. I can't make this a long post as I am typing on the ol' 3DS, but I guess I feel a little better. For the moment.

[Pnx]

I should probably apologise for maybe being a bit harsh with what I said earlier... I can be kind of grouchy when I think someone may be making some of the same mistakes I've made.

[Vector]

The rain and thunder ended...

[Vattic]

Feeling generally defeated. Still failing to make important decisions about my life and keep avoiding people who will challenge me about it.

Not long finished my first night back at work after a holiday and the muscles controlling my fingers ache.

The rain and thunder ended...

That's sad. Not had a good thunder storm here for too long and I had my hopes up with the hot weather we'd been having.

[Vector]

Yeah.  I've been pretty depressed for the past... while... with no real volition to do anything, too.

Here's to hoping I wake up tomorrow magically energized.

[tompliss]

If I may...

I'm getting stares like "Are you crazy? Are you fucking stupid? What's wrong with you?"

fwiw, it may be more "Why do you say that out loud ? our social contract mentions you don't say that, even if everybody thinks that. Put on your fake smile and buy things !".
And that's not the best part of this world. (and sadly not even the worst)

[Shakerag]

If I may...

I'm getting stares like "Are you crazy? Are you fucking stupid? What's wrong with you?"

fwiw, it may be more "Why do you say that out loud ? our social contract mentions you don't say that, even if everybody thinks that. Put on your fake smile and buy things !".
And that's not the best part of this world. (and sadly not even the worst)

This.  Take a look at postsecret.  There are a lot of people out there with a lot of thoughts and feelings that "normal" society would claim are "really fucked up".  But most people put on their masks and do the song and dance routine that society has established so we can all delude ourselves that we're fine and everything is going well. 

I can't help myself but wonder every time I see something being decried by society ("that senator is soliciting gay sex in a bathroom!"  "that woman is in a relationship with two men at once!"  "so-and-so is a racist/bigot!") how many of the people saying those things are, at the same time, thinking to themselves "... and I hope no one finds out I'm doing the same thing" or "hey that sounds appealing to me".