I know, I know. This isn't "I'm going to race off and find some happy pills," this is "I don't understand why I very suddenly feel like this, when it seems like nothing of substance has changed." Maybe it's the "nothing has changed" part. I'm starting to feel desperate.
I just... what I realized was that the dude said I wouldn't be happier after breaking up with him. I was happier, for a long time. Some massive weight had lifted off my chest. I barely cried, I barely felt upset, I was really glad it was over with. But he's right: treating me like a pariah is successfully making me miserable.
I mean, here's the thing. I broke up with the guy so that he'd stop punishing me, but now he's still punishing me and I haven't been on a date in four months, lost my group of friends, and now suddenly have nothing to talk about with a number of my female pals. It's not that four months is a really long time or something. It's just that if someone's going to punish you for being a whore, you might as well get some enjoyment out of it.
And if you ask me "why can't you just ignore him," I don't know. I broke up with him because I loved him and it had become eminently clear that he wasn't going to reciprocate--and not only that, he was going to say hurtful, undermining stuff as he pleased. Now I feel like I'm just in a continuation of the same situation, and I can't do anything to stop him because if he learns that he really can punish me into submission whenever he wants for whatever reason he chooses, then that would be bad. To me, closure would mean talking things out, but I haven't been given that opportunity, because for him, closure means stonewalling. I have to keep acting like I don't need or want anything from him because I'm not going to cave to his fucking emotional violence this time.
I keep wishing one of our mutual friends would tell him to cut it the fuck out, but no one will. They just keep on inviting him to stuff and being nice, and excluding me because I'm a problem for him.
*shrug*