Another friend got engaged today.... I am really rather happy for her, as the guy is actually a very decent fellow (rather unlike the last one whom everyone desired to hit repeatedly with a thick phone book for a metropolitan area until he couldn't feel feelings anymore, but miraculously did not and equally miraculously he did not rope her into marriage, thus freeing her up for a better guy), but I can't help privately and silently comparing my situation to hers....
Perhaps the saddest thing. I honestly, truly did not feel sad while doing this, or jealous, and not even numb, just nothing.... Not that I'm awesome and therefore not sad, but rather I'm just past that. Its gotten to the point where I don't feel anything from it, or much else actually.
I get given particularly difficult tasks or particularly difficult people those tasks relate to and I don't feel anything or seem to mind. It's rather how I imagine being dead inside would feel if that felt like anything. I've been told I "have a lot of patience." Patience implies the ability to tolerate something unpleasant or irritable. I don't even feel it at all, even what you'd call numbness, and I'm not convinced that's a good thing.
Stranger still, it isn't as though I "don't care," about things. I care rather a lot about things, but I just can't let myself feel it, the joys, the pains, the anything. If something did not occur that was required to occur, I would perform a series of operations to remedy that, but wouldn't really be feeling anything.
Hmm...
Forgive me for going armchair therapist for a minute, but I suspect that what you're experiencing, in not feeling or reacting emotionally, is a form of dissociation. You've trained a mental reflex to identify sources of emotional pain, and cut yourself off from it. In that first instance, you might rationalize it as an unpleasant or unnecessary feeling that won't help you, or might cause you pain or trouble. After that, you may convince yourself that you don't or shouldn't feel that way, and before long that voice will be quiet, though something unidentifiable may still bug you from time to time... such as these feelings of detachment. It's possible that this reflex has been trained so well that it's become unconscious as well.
It's actually a healthy and necessary part of being a human, to temporarily distance ourselves from our feelings. It's most likely a holdover from when we used to hunt and be hunted, and today still lets us remain functional under stressful or in life-threatening situations. However, when we do it too much in our lives and become dependent on it, it can dull or silence emotions both good and bad, distance us from other human beings, and lead to a generally cold and utilitarian approach to life.
Most importantly, it can cause us to put off dealing with things that would otherwise trouble or bother us, and can lead to excessive amounts of "coping" with situations in ways that can harm us or make us miserable. Letting ourselves have negative feelings can have constructive impacts on our lives... though they can certainly get in the way, there are reasons our genes have programmed us to have emotional reactions like frustration, anger, shame, remorse, sadness, and so on. They can inspire us to take actions which, though they might otherwise be difficult or unpleasant, can be immediately necessary, or benefit us in the long term. Though you don't want to dwell on emotions too much, it's important to consciously allow them to happen, and not brush them aside all the time.
Anyway, I understand what that feels like, and I know it sucks. When you dwell on it, it can make you feel less than human at times. Rest assured, there are a lot of people in that boat, and with time you can begin to heal that emotional divide, if that's something you want to do.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9781138 times)