I'm feeling depressed and clingy about my ex-history teacher (again), and it makes me feel guilty, not because I'm sexually attracted to something verboten (this is a fairly innocent crush) but because I get really depressed, clingy, cuddly and needy a lot to the point where infatuation, fear and depression are all wrapped up in a single emotion that I feel about any crush, even a minor one. And, well...
...I'm afraid that if I ever get into a relationship I'll end up using the other person as human heroin. I don't fall into happy love. I have a few crushes at the moment and they only serve to depress me, and I'm irrationally frightened of the girls in question. My ex-history teacher is probably most extreme in this regard (she terrifies me, and merely passing by her on a drive home is usually enough to make me have a depressive attack for most of the day), but it's true just generally. I've a crush on a German girl from Finnish language camp, for example, and two nights ago she featured in a dream. Not an erotic dream or anything, she was just there...and when I woke up that morning I was a complete basket case of emotions. Easily angered and pissed off...I just wanted to lie in bed the whole day and pillow-cuddle, which of course just makes it worse.
I feel like I've been punched in the chest. Physically. I'm miserable and I need to see a shrink about it. But if I tell my parents that, they might think I'm unstable and can't go to Brazil.