I dunno, I mean there's something really kind of bizarrely wrong with me. Half of me is a really, really depressed romantic who thinks cutting yourself over your girlfriend is a Good Idea and that romantic love means never having to say you're happy. The other half is a sadomasochist. Half wants to see one or the other of us utterly humiliated in a small closet; the other wants suicide by cuddling.
It's weird.
(NB: I have no girlfriend at the moment. I'd really, really like one but I'm kind of rootless until autumn.)
That's kinda messed up, man. Like, I'm seriously considering suggesting therapy.
I think the S&M is just me being an outrageous 17-year old. The other stuff is a tad more worrying. I think it probably at least in part stems from spending three years having an extremely intense crush on only one woman, who was my history teacher, and simultaneously being really depressed, so that the two just became conflated.
The end result is that I simply can't differentiate, or my emotions don't differentiate, depression from romance. (More precisely, I can be depressed without feeling romantic- I just feel emotionless and dull- but I can't feel infatuated, romantic or in love without depression tagging along.) As the one girlfriend I've ever had (we broke up only because it was a camp relationship) can attest, if I'm making eye contact, or being overly snuggly, it probably means I'm having an emotional low.
This is dangerous, because it means I
want emotional lows. I don't want to end up on a marriage counselor's couch in ten years, and telling him I cuddle with my wife for hours at a time, am generally frightened of her, and can't have regular sex when I'm feeling infatuated with her because it's too emotionally charged.