I feel kind of pathetic recently in knowing that my cousin is entering highschool and has a cute girlfriend.
This is the cousin I've known, quite literally, from the day he was born. I held him in my arms when he was just a baby and watched him grow up through the years. And now I feel pathetic that he's probably gotten laid before I have.
Time to go fall asleep feeling bad about myself. Again.
I didn't realize my little sad comment would steer the conversation in this direction. I guess I'll try elaborating on my sad a bit more.
I suppose the way I said it was far too simplistic, it's not that "The acquisition of sex = success" aspect, it's more of me just obsessing over feeling like the society's black sheep, and feeling that I can't get the kind of intimacy I want. Not even sex, just intimacy would be great, but it feels like I'm stuck in place.
There's an implicit assertion in my mind, that the value of my life is approximately equal to those things I have, those things I have experienced, and the remaining time I have left alive. I don't know where that thought's going, but it's the closest way I can communicate that gut feeling.
And there's another feeling, like the quality of my mind is deteriorating gradually. I'm only 23, but I felt really feeble when I was struggling with some really basic math recently. I used to really love math, I mean, I was never anywhere close to like college level math, but I just haven't thought about it in forever, and when I really needed to figure out the dimensions of something I was desperately grasping at straws and frantically googling simple math equations. I want to improve my life, but all too often it feels like life is already over for me. That I had my chance and it was squandered in the throes of my depression years ago.
Well, this is all alot of sad hubbub when life for me is actually kind of picking up. I suspect that I'll be getting a job soon. Not a great job, just a cashier or a customer service guy, things'll be different when I have an income, maybe. I just want to get over this feeling, I want the feeling that I can still make something of my life. That I'm not just some naively pathetic individual holding onto an unattainable dream. That I'm not simply hurting myself by being both desirous while not having the ability to ever fulfill those desires.
I keep telling myself to keep handling things one day at a time, that trying to change everything all at once will simply overwhelm me and make it feel impossible in my mind, so I just have to handle it one day at a time. That circles back around to the implicit assertion earlier, that by being so comfortable waiting, the value of my life is sloping downward, so I have to act fast if I want to make the most of things. Then I feel panicked on the inside and here I am again, in the sad thread.
EDIT: I also frequently feel invisible.