Sometimes it feels like I'm a moth to that flame too.
And then I start getting all pretentious and pretending importance.
all just to hide my utter self disgust.
If nothing else, Dsarker, the bay12 will always be here for you. Always. You Are a good person. You deserve happiness.
No, I'm not. I'm a bigot, a coward, a fool, lazy, and utterly without honour. At least I know myself well.
Hrrmm you're not a good person and don't deserve happiness? I call bullshit.
In my book anyone who actualy cares about being a good person, anyone who even tries to do better is a good person even when they're held back by their fears and insecurities.
Are you really a bigot, a coward, a fool, lazy and without honour?
Funny how things work, it'll be exactly a year ago tomorrow when I gulped down a bottle of bleach in an effort to kill myself and those where all descriptors I'd use for myself at the time.
I was cowardly because I couldn't confront anything or anyone and buckled like a spineless worm anytime I needed to stand up to others.
I found myself unable to express emotion anger, joy, apprehension all because I was sacred of showing the slightest vunerablitiy to anyone else and instead simmered in secret.
And yet this did not make me a coward to anyone else but me.
I was a fool because nothing I did worked, because of all the stupid easily avoidable mistakes I made that wreaked havoc on my life.
Some where almost intentional as I felt...I didn't deserve happiness so without admiting to myself what I was doing I sabatoged myself over and over again making stupid foolish mistakes.
But this did not make me a fool, I remembered and focused on what went wrong and forgot and abandoned what went right.
I'm lazy, but with me it's more than that; it's a crippling inablity to motivate myself to do anything.
It's never gone away.
A surprisingly large number people know what it's like to go through life on a pretense hiding what you feel, where nothing you do you for yourself.
Where the only reason you do anything at all is keep up the act that everything is fine.
Give it years of self loathing and you never want to do anything for yourself, why should you?
Eventualy as in my case you forget how to get yourself moving, how to keep working on something, how to care about what you do.
But am I lazy? No with me it's much worse than lazienss and it is my biggest obsticle between who I am and who I want to be.
I was selfish to an extreme degree I didn't spare a thought for anyone else.
I would find temporary escape through any means open to me regardless what it cost someone else.
I would ignore the suffering of others and continue on my painful march through each day using all my strength to hold up a mask for others to see.
But then I found they didn't care, the strangers on the street whom I had ignored, the people who had suffered minor inconviences because of me.
I found that the concept of honour was strange.
It really is what ever you make it, honour is personal thing and means what ever you want it to mean.
If you are utterly without honour then all that means is you've set yourself unrealistic excpectations.
At least I know myself well.
I once said the same thing word for bloodly word.
I laugh now looking back, how riddiculously wrong I was.
I don't know what exactly you're going through but I do know what it's like to become twisted up inside, it twists your perception of yourself too.
It makes every minor character flaw seem more serve and serious than it is.
It causes you to act in ways you see as a major failing yet no one else really cares about.
I'm by no means the most emotionaly balanced person you'll ever meet, I still can't look directly in to my own eyes in a mirror, I still destroy any picture of myself I get my hands on.
But take if from me who only knows you through the posts you make; I can say with certainty you can do worse than be yourself, you're a good person even if you don't believe it and things can always be better than they are.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9801598 times)