Really stressed and really anxious about having no affordable place to live lined up, and less than 2 weeks to find one. Want to return to school, but stressed about affording that when I'm still climbing out of debt, and when I really need to be working full-time and not going to school. Realizing that I really don't have many options open to me but swallowing what pride remains me and asking my father if I can move in with him, which would mean saying goodbye to my town, my cats, my friends, and most of my life. It would also mean taking a more active role in taking care of my aging grandfather, which is incredibly emotionally challenging for me... since he was basically my father once my dad left.
All of this is a very familiar ball of stress and anxiety, garnished with a pinch of self-loathing: maybe my life goals need a readjustment, or maybe I am as big a failure as I feel, and don't really have a shot at any of the things I seem to want to do. I know that I need to do something. I've got to break this cycle, but I don't if this is how to do it, or even where to start. I want to keep trying to scrape by my living on my own, to not keep accepting handouts or gifts... but I'm not sure that's even feasible, at least without a lot of very meager times ahead.
My drive and self-worth is closely connected to my pride... and that depends on my ability to "be successful", whatever situation I happen to be in. When I admit that I've not succeeded at survival in modern society... that I've lost that sense of success at life itself, I don't know what I'll have left other than still being alive.