This got kind of long and rambly, but I'm not ashamed enough (yet) to put spoiler tags around it. My current emotions can be pretty well summed up with a sigh.
Two friends* just called, saying they would pick me up tomorrow to go camping. I told them I wasn't going, but they're still trying. I really don't want to go. I'm having even more problems than usual with dealing with stress. It's not the camping itself that's the problem. I told them I don't want to go because I'm too lazy. I feel kind of guilty. But really, thinking about it, there's no good reason to go camp with them anyway. Already slightly stressed from this.
I'm not entirely sure what my reluctance is. Part of it may be that, the last time I tried something new, it made me more miserable than anything previously has. As is, "more seriously thinking about suicide" miserable. And I was already thinking about those sorts of things, but the cause is a long, different story.
These guys aren't my friends. They don't understand me, they don't understand what's going on with me now, and they don't understand what this is doing to me. They like me because I'm smart and they think blunt cynicism is funny; and I haven't been voicing any of the latter since my sophomore year of high school. I've changed so much over the last year; but that's another matter.
I hate it when people trying to help makes things worse. I end up making nice people feel bad; and I don't feel guilty, instead letting it feed into my hatred of (the majority of) humanity.
Pre-edit: Wow, just realized that Descan registered in September of '11. Descan, you're very good at integrating yourself.
Don't worry, bukitodinos, you're not bad.
Predit2: It is mid-July of 2012. It's not 2011 anymore, or early 2012. I've seriously just lost all sense of time. I know it's advancing, and everything keeps changing, but... Something just isn't the same. Doesn't feel the same. Technology's advance is going terribly now, as far as I know, but that's not it - that's an entirely different sadness.
And3: Parts of Summer of '11 and one day of the fall were the best times of my life. I really miss that. I don't know if I'll ever feel that great again.
4: The only nostalgia I have is for times I didn't even take part in.
4.5: Aside from above (3), I have nothing in my life to look back fondly on. I don't even keep memories. I know that things happened, but... I dunno. I don't really remember things, so much as remember that they happened.
Maybe I should just go write this down on paper, but I feel like talking to people right now. Even if I'm not actually.
*sigh*
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9446952 times)