So I finally began entertaining the idea lastnight that I'm depressed, not just feeling down. The really should get it taken care of by a professional sort of depressed. Doing this seems to have amplified the situation.
I've been refusing the thought for months, because it's so important for me to carry on stoically every day. I just can't continue denying that it's the typical thing I hear when people say they're depressed -- I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I continue to recognize when I should be enjoying something. I act like I am to convince myself and others that I am. I keep doing things that I know I should enjoy. I keep going out of my way to participate in social gatherings with people that I know I like.
But everything leaves me feeling exhasperated and drained. I don't really want to do anything with anyone, and I think this is because I rarely get any substantial time to myself. I have all kinds of things that I really want to do, but I settle for time-wasters instead because I don't have time for the things I really want. Trying to do anything responsible, even if it's not anything that bad, wears me out horribly in no time. I'm instantly braindead at work every day. I have to pull up stuff to read online, or I'll just pass out, no matter how much sleep I get.
There are even really positive changes happening in my marriage right now that I should be ecstatic about (besides her relapse into smoking that I mentioned in the rage thread...), but I just don't feel like I have the energy keep up.
Lastnight I got home and my wife + a whole bunch of friends were online playing a game together. I hopped in and got disgusted with it after a couple of rounds. Went and flopped onto the bed and just laid there thinking that if I didn't have people depending on me to hold myself together, that laying around and staring off into space is probably all I would do at this point... except that isn't true, because if I didn't have responsibilities taking up 85-91% of my time (calculated based on how many hours of actual free time I get on an average day) that I would be able to pursue goals that actually interest me, instead of coasting through a temporary mere existence.