Oh god, oh god please just shut my brain off. I want to wake up at 6:00 in the morning like I did today.
Storytime: So I'm trawling Frankenmuth's businesses looking for any place that might be hiring and just handing out resumes like the old geezer that does things the old fashioned way that I am, and I run into an unexpected person behind one of the store's counters: A girl that I went to HS with. After catching up with her about what we've been doing since then, I end the conversation by awkwardly hitting on her and then walking out, to MAYBE converse with her on FB. So as I'm making a hypocrite out of myself by tidying up my FB account despite my sworn hatred of social media, it dawns on me that she might still remember who I was in HS, despite how much I've changed since then. It's not like I was a secret, everyone knew me in HS, and not for good reasons.
I've struggled, I've struggled for four years now to suppress every single memory of my time in HS. I've avoided the town it's located in, I've avoided all the towns surrounding it, I've avoided people that KINDA SORTA remind me of my 'old friends' from HS pathologically, I've cut every tie I could think of just so I wouldn't have to REMEMBER that:
I was the kid that smelled funny. Not just funny, but disgustingly smelled all the time because my Mom yelled at me for taking showers and 'wasting water'. I'd rub the handsoap in the bathrooms in my hair at times just to try to cover up the smell.
I was the kid with no social skills. Possessing no friends for my entire tenure at that abominable daycare for teenagers. Loneliness defined me in every sense of the word. Not even family, my single Mom didn't care to speak with me, and I didn't care to reach out to the other members of my family. Each day was just a repetition of feeling isolated in school, feeling isolated at home, feeling isolated in my dreams, and repeat.
I was the kid that was psychotic, prone to fits of rage lashing out at anyone that sufficiently irritated me. It was probably the only reason I wasn't bullied, that the belief that I'd snap was well-known to everyone. I'd stew in my thoughts at lunch time by myself, I'd get angry for no reason and deface the school's wall's and tear up the educational posters that were spread throughout the halls. It was well-known that I'd had violent emotional breakdowns at the principal and and went to a psychiatric hospital. Once again I just feel alone, that not even the professionals care.
My few attempts at approaching girls then... you'd never seen anyone so threatened and offended. Cliques curbstomped me back into the corner defending their friends at the obvious enemy that was me. I'll admit I was a creepy kid, but I don't think I deserved what I got.
That I was the kid in the constant depressed stupor for my last two years, just going from class to class, not really paying attention to anything, failing every test because I couldn't concentrate, and just not caring about anything anymore. That I even graduated was some sort of miracle, albeit it was by the skin of my teeth, and there was no feeling of reward or accomplishment to finally getting it.
and upon graduating, of course I hadn't lined up any further education or a job. With life so bleak, I had no incentive to look forward to the future. I laid about at home for two solid years, doing nothing but being listless in my sorrow.
It was only when I moved to Kalamazoo and attended MCTI that my life started turning around, but by then the damage was done.
So I struggle to forget, to this day, everything about that era of my life. I want to forget the regret, the incessant lingering regret of things I could have done better at such a decisive time in my life. The guilt, the guilt and shame of not living up to what I thoroughly believed to not only be societies expectations, but my own, is so strong it crushes my mind thinking about it. I want to forget my many failures, failures I've wallowed in so thoroughly it's stained my worldview, and now I'm constantly aware of every failing, every shortcoming, the smallest one outshining even the most stellar accomplishment. It's like having shit rubbed into the inside of your nose, and you're forced to just smell it all the time, that you're just always aware, no matter how badly you'd like to ignore it, that you're responsible for your own failings in life. Even worse though, that having this fear of failure so deeply ingrained into your mind, that when you become aware every choice is now a terrible risk, and with your mind stuck in this way, panic and fear threaten to overtake me.
I didn't want to think about this. I just wanted to sleep tonight. I regret looking for work in that part of town and seeing her and turning up these many painful memories. I mean, she's a real babe and she's not responsible for any of what happened to me, but I wonder if she remembers me as just the creepy smelly psycho kid from school...
I feel very naive, getting excited to hope to prove that I've become a new, better person to this old acquaintance, and trying to flirt with her or whatever... am I still such a child that I'd get my hopes up when a pretty girl speaks to me for five minutes just to catch up? Especially when she still probably has this intensely negative image in her mind of me? I feel outright stupid.
Oh well. Back to bed.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9704050 times)