I was just wondering, does anyone know of schedule keeping software? Like, something that'll get on my ass about keeping the schedule, rather than just some lame calendar with a note keeping function. I don't know what to do with myself.
I just feel like everything I do has no meaning. I could try self-improvement, but staying on task and staying interested is it's own set of skills. Looking for a job is depressingly hard, especially since it means the end result is making myself subservient to a society that I loathe. My feelings are worthless and contradictory, so there's no point in cultivating them.
It feels like my insides are heavy, like, with weights on the inside. This feels different than ordinary lethargy.
In my experience with similar things (I've got a few years on you yet), I've learned that when I look outward for solutions to my personal challenges- say by trying to find some advice, discover a tool that will make things better, etc.- that only works for a limited time before I'm back in my earlier slump. The reason it works for a limited time is because, for that duration, I think that's my solution, not realizing that the inspiration I find to be able to fix things is all coming from myself.
To respond to your question, I use a physical calendar for dates I need to remember, and a dry-erase 1-month calendar with a separate memo area for events through the month, which works well for keeping track of my short-term and long-term schedules. Still, all the schedulers and calendars in the world will not help me if I don't sinch up my belt, pull on my boots, and tackle the things I want to change.
Believe me when I say I understand what you're going through, as I've been there. The only secret I've found is in learning to inspire yourself to tackle these problems, and not keep looking outward for a cure-all. You can recognize the things that keep your life from being what you want it to be. Just take some time to identify the things you want to be different, brainstorm up a few ways to make that happen, and set yourself up with a way to enact that plan. Once you get into the habit, it becomes far easier... though it may never become truly easy. However, hating, beating up, or otherwise emotionally punishing yourself about it won't make it better, and though the advice anyone gives you might help draw attention to these issues, it won't fix it on its own. Motivation and conscious living are things that we each have to decide to do on our own.
That said, Happy Birthday. I hope you can turn this bout of ennui into a force for change; sieze the day! Don't waste your time feeling bad about being lost, or like you're wasting your life. Take stock of the good things you have and try to increase them. Take stock of the bad and start out on fixing them. Take things one step at a time, and you will get where you want to go... but sitting around reflecting on it all day will only hold you back.