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[Bauglir]

Good luck. It's something I immediately considered doing myself, and as quickly dismissed. I have neither the willpower to make myself moderate it, the drive to do the research to spawn new topics of discussion, nor the self-control to be fair. So, I guess what I'm saying (in a really self-centered sort of way, but hey, I just drank half a bottle of cheap plum wine) is, it is tough, but I'm glad you're willing to step up.

EDIT: Wow I didn't even get a notification that Toony posted before me, but I'm going to read that post and reply to it if I can think of anything.

[MaximumZero]

Yeah, I think I need to mention I'm a bit stressed with life right now but feel that actually saying or discussing it is useless/pointless/dameda.

Like failure.  Failure to do something, failure to do anything.  All of these tasks in my head, piling up and up.  Seek a way out.

College is still fine, ordinary, normal.  Normal to me now.  Classes are all fine.  Doing well in unexpected courses, doing poorly in the ones that matter.  Becoming accustomed to myself.  Knowing I'm not that great.  Knowing that I'm not an awful person either.  Positive traits, negative traits.  Doing what's expected of me whether it matters or not.

Does this count?  Am I suppose to do this?  Are my hobbies and interests tainted, wrong?  Everybody wants to hide, well I want to hide.  Hide in the closet, the bed, the screen.  Away away away.  Talking to people is nice sometimes, unexpectedly nice but doesn't feel too right.  None of my interests mesh.  Nothing meshes truly.  Suppressed feelings, suppressed mind and body.  Restraining oneself, away away away.  Contemplating and crying.

Social connections, impetus to move on.  Serious faltering.  Trepidation.  I sleep hard.  I don't want to get up.  Why is time passing.  Why can't I go at my own pace.  I am insignificant.

Well I think I'm done with my A+ English writing style.  I pretty much write like this and my professor loves it.  It's pathetically easy but true.

Although, to be honest, I do feel most of these feelings obviously.  I just have a hard time being serious with myself.  It's really hard.  I don't feel right.  I can understand why people lose everything and lock themselves away since it's the best way to cut ties and connections.  I know that I'm weak but I at least want to show something I guess.  Even if I don't know why still.  Isn't that interesting?!  Oh if only I was beyond everything.  You have to know what I mean.  BEYOND  BEYOOOOND

Strong mind and body.  You can't hurt me.  Me isn't even me.  Aaaah~  Sharing my true feelings sounds nice.  Nice and true and not fake fake fake.  Contempt and apprehension.

My Dad called me a few days ago and I also got a letter from him the day after.  He sounded a lot healthier and 'in his mind'.  We only had 10 minutes to talk but he told me to call my sister right after.  Which I did after freaking out for a little bit.  Sigh.  She didn't answer but I ended up talking to her for about 30 minutes.  When I write a response to my Dad's letter I'm going to mention that.  Although I may talk to him again before then.

Talking with people is so hard.  The people I end up living with don't really have amazing personalities either.  It's so limiting.  Going in public is ridiculous for me too.  A made a few new friends because we have similar interests at least.  But it's still not really true.  One person in specific is a pretty cool guy I really like.  Ah, well.

Bleh I need to go to sleep because of this STUFF I just am dying to do.

/me hugs the Toony.

It's always hard to know what to say in these situations, but we're here if you need us, bro. We've got your back.

[SalmonGod]

I am just unable to focus right now.

I couldn't all day either.  Renewed crackdown on internet usage at work.  Spent most of my day glaring motionless at the screen, burning in my stomach, and fantasizing about going on lunch just to rip my helmet off before swerving my bike in front of a semi.  I'm only here now because my manager and team lead have gone home.  This office is so fucking toxic to me.  Regular internet distraction is the only thing that keeps me at all sound of mind while I'm here.  I don't know how other people deal with it.  I'm so sick of being treated like a machine, dedicating the majority of my waking life towards enriching people who don't know or care about me and judge me purely as a collection of numbers rather than on any of my qualities as a human being, and who never reward... only threaten.  I'm so sick of feeling trapped in this situation because any hiccup in income is dangerous for my family, any other job which I stand a decent chance of getting isn't going to offer a better environment and/or won't pay enough, and everyone I've worked with here who has left has either come back later or said that they wish they could.  I'm so sick of being too thoroughly emotionally spent every day from coping with this and family issues to do anything but blow off steam in what time I do have to work with.  I feel a mix of envy and existential horror for the people who don't seem to have a problem -- those people who seem able to completely shut off their personalities and become automatons for 8-10 hours a day, expressing no loss over those hours spent seemingly not even alive in any sense relative to individual human being.

[Descan]

Compromise! Mandatory to own one, and you get a tax break to pay for it, but you don't -need- to wear it!

EVERYONE WINS.

Edit: Toony.

... I have no idea. Crumpet?

[SalmonGod]

And Truean, you are definitely among friends here.  You should feel safe.  The lot of us will pile viciously on anyone who gives you trouble for who you are.

[Descan]

Like they did to Durin!

And that worked out!

... Yeah.

Maybe we should pile on the report button next time. :/

[Bauglir]

@Toony
Dudebro, there's nothing you need to feel is wrong with yourself. Life's a big sandbox RPG with arbitrary rules nobody ever tells you, but don't worry bout it. You don't even have to find meaning in it. Some people do, some people don't, there's nothing really better one way or the other. I've had to invent purposes to chase after, which is a different thing from finding one, and everyone has different ways of dealing with the mess. Just don't fall into the trap of trying to tell yourself you've found a meaning you haven't - doesn't sound like it's a place you've wound up in, but just so you know. You don't have to feel like less of a person for not having a destination, so you don't have to make yourself think you have one. You can be an awesome dude, and do awesome things, either way.

I bet I've completely missed the point, but I'll just finish by saying you're pretty spiffy so I wouldn't be so hard on yourself as you seemed to be at the beginning of that post.

@SalmonGod
Hey, how much do you need to make, and how feasible would a relocation to eastern Iowa be for you? Next time the hospital's doing a hiring wave I could let you know, you'd easily meet the requirements for pharmacy technician, and the pay's about 28,000 a year and some spiffy benefits (family plan for insurance is something like $200 a month out of your paycheck, though, plus with taxes and all that I dunno). Just a random thought I had >_______>

@Truean
You're basically pretty awesome as a person as far as I can tell. That's about all there is to say on the matter.

[MaximumZero]

One day, I will have full time employment again. One day.

[Lysabild]

One day, I will have full time employment again. One day.

Never had one.

And I'm 20.

And not living home.

Yeah.

Not under education either, no.

[MaximumZero]

Don't get me wrong. I really like my job. But I want to move back out on my own soon. (Hopefully, my parents will be back on their feet by then. :/ )I'm feeling...trapped, almost. My parents are nice and don't ask questions, but I want a place of my own, you know?

[SalmonGod]

@SalmonGod
Hey, how much do you need to make, and how feasible would a relocation to eastern Iowa be for you? Next time the hospital's doing a hiring wave I could let you know, you'd easily meet the requirements for pharmacy technician, and the pay's about 28,000 a year and some spiffy benefits (family plan for insurance is something like $200 a month out of your paycheck, though, plus with taxes and all that I dunno). Just a random thought I had >_______>

That's about the same as I make now.  Benefits even sound roughly identical.  However, I have friends and family here and over 5 years of tenure that grant me extra vacation and near immunity to lay-offs.  I do really appreciate the gesture.

[Reudh]

$28000USD a year?

Goodness. (My american friend's mother works in a 7/11 and earns $20-25kUSD a year.)

When I finish my course, I stand to earn $60,000AUD first off (mind you, the australian living cost is much, much higher)...

[MaximumZero]

$28k is not terribly great. It's enough to pay the bills, even live comfortably if you're smart with your money, but it's not really all that much.

[Gamerlord]

(mind you, the australian living cost is much, much higher)...

 

[Blargityblarg]

(mind you, the australian living cost is much, much higher)...

 

Yeah, shit is cheap in America; it ain't just games.