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Author Topic: Things that made you sad today thread.  (Read 9750373 times)

Vector

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43365 on: February 15, 2012, 03:59:58 am »

Bwahhh... love you too, Duke <3


You know, here's the thing.  I wanted to write fanfic because I wanted somehow to communicate and connect with the rest of the world--show my true colors, as it were, and be totally, completely honest about who and what I am for once.  But then I got to thinking about the characters I care about, and why, and how, and I realized that I'd be writing in order to heal the pain of separation, of distance from someone I felt I had grown to know so closely but could never protect, shelter, or influence.

And the thing is, that pain of distance and attachment is a feeling so powerful that I want to suffer through it.  I don't want there to be any more of the work I want so badly to experience more of.  I want to feel that sting as I realize that those expressions of vulnerability I had come to treasure so closely, as pieces of my own self or certainly reflections thereof, can never really be an organic part of me.

To me, so often it feels like suffering is the best measure of being alive, and so some part of me finds joy in it, in all of those horrible moments that terrified me so much.  It's not that I don't want to avoid them by overcoming them.  It's that writing the fanfiction won't make me any stronger, and it won't connect me to the rest of the world, either... not me.  It only reinforces the link between the pre-created character and the fanbase, and myself by proxy.  No matter what I write, it won't be seen as myself, only as a particularly skilled or unusual reflection and refraction--and I'm what I want to reach out with, not someone else's heart and someone else's idea.

And what's more, when you write fanfiction and try to be honest in that way, you show your hand and are forced to diffuse your images through someone else's lens.  I can't be honest when showing myself through someone else.  I have to make myself vulnerable if I'm going to tell the truth, and shirking that vulnerability by sending it through a sieve is a disservice to reader, writer, and creator.

I'm so lonely, and it seems like this is the only way.  It's not that you guys aren't enough, somehow.  It's that I've always needed something different than what I could find just discussing on the street.  There's been something else trying to climb out.

So yes, I have hundreds (and hundreds, and hundreds) of pages of original fiction, none of which is public.  Nor will it be, until it's time.  It's not very good, but that's because I was driven to write without understanding why, or about what.  Now I'm starting to understand myself a little bit better, and I'll probably try again soon.
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Max White

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43366 on: February 15, 2012, 04:03:54 am »

Well on't forget, bay12 forums aren't public, they are a private club with some what exclusive membership. If you ever want to share anything, be it stories or emotions, we are here.

Sirus

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43367 on: February 15, 2012, 04:11:59 am »

Well on't forget, bay12 forums aren't public, they are a private club with some what exclusive membership.
Not really. They let me in, which I'm sure someone regrets.
:P
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Max White

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43368 on: February 15, 2012, 04:13:41 am »

Never underestimate the lengths a member of a gentlemen's club will undergo to swing the outcome of a bet in his favour. Your influence here falls perfectly in line with a rather large wager.

Scaraban

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43369 on: February 15, 2012, 04:27:16 am »

Never underestimate the lengths a member of a gentlemen's club will undergo to swing the outcome of a bet in his favour. Your influence here falls perfectly in line with a rather large wager.
You keep this up and I take the pot! You're shifting outcomes with your meddling!

ಠ_ರೃ
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Max White

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43370 on: February 15, 2012, 04:40:35 am »

We agreed temporal shifts were unlawful, but no such agreement was made for direct interference of the timeline. Where defablication will not suffice, I am more tha willing to substitute charisma!
ಠ,_,ಠ

Blargityblarg

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43371 on: February 15, 2012, 04:58:38 am »

Egad! Scaraban, tread lightly, he'll do it!

O~ರೃ
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Ultimuh

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43372 on: February 15, 2012, 07:17:31 am »

10-20 minutes of Civ 5 always results in either freezing or crashing.
I have googled for fixes but none of what I found helps..  :'(
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Deadmeat1471

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43373 on: February 15, 2012, 07:43:17 am »

10-20 minutes of Civ 5 always results in either freezing or crashing.
I have googled for fixes but none of what I found helps..  :'(

This helps:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Max White

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43374 on: February 15, 2012, 07:47:37 am »

Not really... Simple answers are always the best. Have you tried to run it in compatibility mode?

Angel Of Death

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43375 on: February 15, 2012, 07:50:00 am »

Try to run it as an admin, too. It has a very small chance of helping, but it just might fix your problem.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2012, 07:57:34 am by Angel Of Death »
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Deadmeat1471

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43376 on: February 15, 2012, 07:53:27 am »

Try updating video drivers if you havent.... use dx9 version err cant advise anymore.
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Tellemurius

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43377 on: February 15, 2012, 01:47:27 pm »

No No No none of those works.

Reason why Civ5 doesn't work on much computers because the game is worse than Metro 2033 on system specs, i bet you your graphics card is dying just trying to load it on the buffers.

Ochita

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43378 on: February 15, 2012, 02:23:15 pm »

Eh.. The physical copy of Civ5 doesn't even work for me, as in the code on the manual has already been used, even though it was un-opened.
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Solifuge

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #43379 on: February 15, 2012, 05:36:00 pm »

I had an interview today, and it went well. So well, in fact, that 3 hours later they called me back for a second interview, and to make a formal job offer. The pay looks to be pretty good, and the job offers the chance for travel, and long-term stability. What's sad about this? It's a full-time IT job that would keep me out of school, and isn't in line with my coursework or long-term interests at all.

It's really hard to turn down a job that nice, especially considering the dearth of other options and how badly I need one right now. Is it really so much to ask for part-time work with enough hours/pay to be able to live and go to school? I was hoping for some time to see if something better popped up.... but Jobs have been so scarce I doubt it will. They're waiting on my decision. I don't see a winning option.
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