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[Pnx]

I wanna create something.  Video game, novel, comic book, anything.

Also, my self-esteem is so far in the gutter that my mom's apparently going to start giving me morning pep talks and lessons on non-extrapolation.  Funny how my ability to draw broad connections is so helpful on the academic stage, but bad news for my feelings of self-worth.

I don't know how this happened, really.  I used to have so much self-confidence.  Well, no... I've felt undeserving of praise since kindergarten (I used to hit myself when they told us to give ourselves a pat on the back, haha), but more and more I feel that something has changed.  I don't know what, though.


I've also been thinking about Rosewood a lot, recently.  I think it's because this time of year was really the last big block of time we spent together.  This was when he told me he wasn't sure if he saw me as a friend or a sister or a girlfriend, and that I was emotionally 7.  It's been a long time, almost two years.  They've really just flown past like they weren't there.  But since then, it's been hard to look forward to anything at all.  It's been hard to approach people, too.

I kind of hate myself for missing him.  At the same time, I don't think I could look at his face.  I'd be too ashamed of myself, and asking: "am I good enough for you this time?"

What have I done in these past two years?  Almost nothing, it seems.  I've hardly been living.

I keep on thinking stupid things like "when was the last time I let anyone touch my face?" and "when was the last time I went to a party?"  Hey, here's a hint: more than two years.

It's harder, because all these silly things lined up that might make those of us who are prone to apophenia think "ah, it's fate."  I dreamed about someone who looked like him for years before I met him... I saw a little writeup on him my first day in high school, one article in a little booklet, and thought "Oh, I really wish I could know this interesting, handsome person," sitting there and rereading the article again ... He was the first person who taught me any real mathematics at all.  He was also the first person to voice the suspicion that I was a bit mentally screwy in an understandable way, rather than just calling me dirty or a freak.  We had an understanding about things... I didn't feel like I had to teach him who I was.  He knew already.  Not in a evil, all-swallowing way, but in the sense that our minds ran on similar tracks.

Sorry for being all mushy.  It's one of those times when I start thinking about these sort of things.  You know... Christmas Miracles, as seen on bad late-night television.  I need to go talk to my bro in the math department so that we can chatter about our crushes on unattainable men.


And hey, if you're reading this, I hope everything's going okay and that we'll meet again--if the right time arrives.

Oh jeeze, you have no idea how familiar some of this is sounding, in particular the being unable to accept praise part, I've always had issues with that, and frankly if your ego is in the gutter mine got flushed down a storm drain.

Personally it's less that I don't feel I deserve praise and more that I just really don't want to have my ego puffed up. I don't want to become too arrogant.

If you ever find a good way to deal with this issue, please do let me know.

[warhammer651]

Main computer gave out rather violently, am now left without most of my games and am stuck with a crappy laptop my dad used to use at the FBI building.

[Fenrir]

Oh jeeze, you have no idea how familiar some of this is sounding, in particular the being unable to accept praise part, I've always had issues with that, and frankly if your ego is in the gutter mine got flushed down a storm drain.

Personally it's less that I don't feel I deserve praise and more that I just really don't want to have my ego puffed up. I don't want to become too arrogant.

Your ego is starving, so you do not feed it for fear of making it fat? Do not be afraid to try a different approach if what you are doing or thinking is not working. If you become to arrogant, we shall let you know.

[Pnx]

Oh jeeze, you have no idea how familiar some of this is sounding, in particular the being unable to accept praise part, I've always had issues with that, and frankly if your ego is in the gutter mine got flushed down a storm drain.

Personally it's less that I don't feel I deserve praise and more that I just really don't want to have my ego puffed up. I don't want to become too arrogant.

Your ego is starving, so you do not feed it for fear of making it fat? Do not be afraid to try a different approach if what you are doing or thinkin g is not working. If you become to arrogant, we shall let you know.

I know it's a bad idea, and that I should be trying to nurture my ego, but it's something I've done all my life, and I find it hard to break the habit. It's just very difficult for me to take pride in anything I do, which leads to me getting depressed because what I do is never "good enough".

Of course, even if I do build up some ego I just find ways to get rid of it, like revisiting my old friends so they can tell me they want nothing to do with me.

[scriver]

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh ate much too much and can't sleep and I'm so damn thirsty and tired uuuuuuuughh

[inteuniso]

I meant it when I said "bah humbug."

[Rose]

I meant it when I said "bah humbug."

Happy sunday!

[Fenrir]

I meant it when I said "bah humbug."

Happy sunday!

Sunday, now with 99% more Christmas.

[Bauglir]

Gah. People, why with the dying?

I'm going to go distract my overly melodramatic self from the inevitability of mortality, and the sadness inherent in what I hope to a probably-fictional God is that family's Worst Christmas Ever, with pizza rolls and portal-based physics puzzles.

[penguinofhonor]

Gah. People, why with the dying?

I'm going to go distract my overly melodramatic self from the inevitability of mortality, and the sadness inherent in what I hope to a probably-fictional God is that family's Worst Christmas Ever, with pizza rolls and portal-based physics puzzles.

If it helps, my grandma is dying. Diagnosed like five years ago with a gluten allergy and a bunch of other similar stuff. She looks like she's aged thirty years since then. She can't walk, can barely speak, and has trouble eating. She almost died this morning when she choked on some food, and didn't want the ambulance to come because I'm pretty sure she's done with everything. At least we all got to see her and everything. And she'll live to at least see christmas, though she won't see the next one.

[Max White]

Now I remember why I don't drink any more.
Fucking endorphin crash. Feeling depressed now, great way to spend Christmas... I HATE CHEMICALS!!!!

[penguinofhonor]

Now I remember why I don't drink any more.
Fucking endorphin crash. Feeling depressed now, great way to spend Christmas... I HATE CHEMICALS!!!!

This is why you go to sleep before you start sobering up too much.

[Neyvn]

Was going to write a Rage about a Bad Joke about Jesus and Christmas, point out about some truths that are ignored by all, and state that people should do their research on their own religion before they preach and condemn others. But calmed down.
Ironically enough, I had been looking up about the True Date of Birth of Jesus before I saw this pic on this Image sharing LoLz site. If you want to know what the image was, it was stating that "Millions throw a party to celebrate his birthday, yet he never turns up." with an image of Jesus behind the text, 12/15 commenter were going all biblical about it. It it had been about the title, which called him a Scumbag for not showing up, it would understand but it was about the context of the text. If anything, do some research about the Birth of Jesus, come to your own concussions...

Just also want to state, got nothing against any religion, ANY Religion, just against the people that go too far over their own...
Moral of this.
Look, Read, Research, Expand your knowledge. Yet still don't tell others they are wrong. And remember, most things don't HAVE the right Answer...

[MaximumZero]

Now I remember why I don't drink any more.
Fucking endorphin crash. Feeling depressed now, great way to spend Christmas... I HATE CHEMICALS!!!!

To the !!Laboratory!!

[Neyvn]

Now I remember why I don't drink any more.
Fucking endorphin crash. Feeling depressed now, great way to spend Christmas... I HATE CHEMICALS!!!!

To the !!Laboratory!!

I made a joke about chemistry at school way back.... Didn't get a Reaction...