I feel sad, despairingly so, because my temporary job is finally coming to an end. With this advent, I'm going to have to either go back to Saginaw to live with my Mom, or languish in joblessness elsewhere until my funds run dry, and then die in destitution.
Dying in destitution is looking pretty attractive right now though, because I really hate Saginaw. I hate it SO MUCH!
I don't want to live with my Mom, especially after having acquired a taste of independence, of being able to finally have my own privacy, and all the gratification of just living by myself. All of it is disappearing on Friday. POOF! Like that!
Despite the prospect of living with my Mom already being exceedingly emasculating, there are some other aspects of "Home-life" that I find truly detestable.
I have to learn to tolerate my Mom's obnoxious habits again. These include fits of rampant alcoholism (occasionally with prescribed medications that SHOULD NOT be taken with alcohol. This creates the unique effect of extreme delirium, complete disorientation, manic crying, and hallucinations), her frantic and unexplained fits of "depressed cleaning"... where she'll be cleaning the entire house and simultaneous damning life and bitching me out the entire time, and the fact that whenever she gets angry, she throws herself into a violent rage and is willing to kill me or any other person that isn't willing to apologize or doing whatever else it is that needs to be done to calm her down. Nevermind that she does all these things while having a severe gash in her back that renders her nearly crippled (from a botched surgery to, tragically enough, fix her back problems).
Then I hate being "Home" because it is the den of filth and sadness that I spent the last 3 years of my life, very literally, just being depressed and miserable. I can't even relate how many terrible memories I have of that place. I remember just languishing all day in my depression, too scared to leave the house and I felt too pathetic to actually motivate myself to find a job or bring in any kind of income or do anything productive. I remember my bouts of suicidal ideation lasting for weeks at a time, and then feeling even weaker and more pathetic for being too cowardly to actually carry any of it out. Just rotting away in that terrible house, I honestly felt there was no future, no place at all for me in the world. I definitely don't want to return to the place where all that happened, I subconsciously connect too many bad memories to the place.
Then I hate Saginaw itself. It's pox'd with ghettos, deserted buildings inhabited by squatters, failing factories... and that's not counting that among places in Michigan that are economically depressed, Saginaw is an especially depressed pit of a community marring the otherwise recovering mitten state. That's dodging my real concern though, and that's the statistically unavoidable likelihood that no matter what job I get in Saginaw, if I do get one at all godhelpme, I'm bound to run into one of my 'friends' from Highschool. I DESPISE... COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY LOATHE my..."Friends"... from Highschool. It's been so long, I'm sure they've all either forgotten me, and have become completely different people by now, but the petty and hateful part of my heart refuses to let go of that terrible era. That despicable era known as highschool that is incomparable in the amount of misery that it has wrought on my life and mindset. It was no window to higher education, just a four-year long curbstomp on my self-esteem that has taken four years to only START to recover from. They are all equally responsible as far as I'm concerned.
I can't bear to face any of them, my shame and my self-hatred is still so strong, they all got a headstart on me on acquiring independence and becoming responsible adults, while I faltered and failed in my pitiable hermeticism. Just the thought of encountering any of them makes the anger and anxiety well-up in my throat, and the panic to paint over my eyes. They are the only ones that have the knowledge to recognize me, and to see the complete failure that I am. I just want to live through life without having to experience that, to be reminded of the small and weak person that I am and flashback to that terrible era.
I just want to inhabit someplace other than Saginaw, the further the better. I'd settle though, for the neighboring community of Bay City. It truly is the quietest, cleanest, nicest town that can be built by lumberjacks and prostitutes. I'm pretty sure I'll be safe there. I'll need to see if I can strike a deal with one of my relatives living there, because housing, even just by myself, is still prohibitively expensive. I still need to work hard though, to strike out on my own.
I just need to motivate myself though, I hear all the time of people spending months and months looking for a job, and these are people that are intensely motivated to find a job, that have families to support and bright futures to work towards. If I could just make myself half as motivated as these people, I'm sure I could do it, I just need to work harder. I'm going back into hell though, it seems, and to avoid a sisyphean fate, I need to always be looking towards my next goal. Get job, get money, strike out on own, get out, move higher, and maybe, someday, I can escape the inferiority complex that has dominated my entire life.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9792689 times)