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Author Topic: Things that made you sad today thread.  (Read 9792109 times)

OwlEpicurus

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39810 on: November 14, 2011, 01:50:00 pm »

I decided to start out with a difficult course load so that I would be prepared for later.
That said, I had to study my ass off for Linear Algebra. It payed off, but so far it's the course I've studied the hardest for.

I'd believe that.  I've never had a problems in math (other than reasons related to procrastination), but there've been quite a few homework problems over the course of the semester that I've had to leave half-finished or even blank.  Good to hear that it'll be worth.

Heh, I remember as a fresher taking "Basic Algebra"... and crapping myself with the lack of "Basic" ("Matricies with imaginary surds? WTF?" was an early fave). But yea, we all go through the "OMG its hard" bit, before our brains warm up and are ready to deal with Maxwells equations or suchlike dependant on field of study. For me, it was Schrodingers time independant wave equation that actually made me realise I could deal with some pretty hardcore Physics.

The class is getting easier over time, and I actually have a study partner now.  Most of the recent homework assignments haven't been too bad.  I think with this assignment the professor decided he needed to make the course harder (again), but when everyone fails it he'll probably swing back in the other direction.  It is really satisfying when you get the harder stuff.

Anyways...

Today just keeps getting better!  I was somewhat awake, and somewhat motivated to do homework.  I started typing up the experimental methods section of my lab report when a couple campus police officers showed up at my door asking about my roommate.  Now I'm really freaked out.  Maybe someone was just wondering why she wasn't in class...?

I hate Mondays.  Actually, this Monday has been so long it feels like it should Wednesday already.
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Vector

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39811 on: November 14, 2011, 01:57:53 pm »

Ohh, I see, I see.  I shouldn't have assumed you were taking 20 or something (I took 18 the first semester of my freshman year, as well, and 21 during another horrible semester with 5 math-based courses) >_>  I'm in 21 right now, sadly, and I'm rediscovering exactly how much that many units can wipe the floor with me.

Probably going to be in only 16 next semester, which makes me a little bit sad (I may not be thriving, but I'm doing pretty well right now)... but on the other hand, I promised myself I'd never do this to myself again, so I might as well stick to that idea.  Wish I were taking a language course, but I guess I'll just make a fairly serious study of Russian, because if I'm good I'll be able to skip a course or two and take the translation/linguistic courses I wanted in the fall and spring.  Summer's going to be consumed with heavy-duty algebra of various flavors, though, and winter with massive garnishes of analysis, manifolds, and differential equations =/

*sigh*

I've got no idea as to what I'm doing anymore, really, and I may actually have a literal half-ton of books in my room at home that I haven't yet read.  At least my mom's hoarding of clothes over the years, embarrassed as it made me that I always had what felt like too much, has begun to pay off.  I won't need to purchase a professional wardrobe, because I've already got one.  I guess the books may also help, depending on what I do.  I think I have 10+ books on King Arthur alone =/


For those of you who have so kindly listened to me for these past few years, I have to say this: I don't know how much more time I'll be here.  The more I write, the more I think "ah, this is a pond I am beginning to out-grow, and these are ideas I am beginning to become too big for."  I want to stay with my friends, and simultaneously I want to leave for new pastures.

Surprises... I think that's what I'm looking for.  My life needs to leave more room for the unexpected.

Sometimes, when loneliness seems like it is almost too much to bear, it is better to shuck aside one's helpful pack and simply gather it into one's arms.  Why not feel a weight?  Pretending it doesn't exist won't make life any sweeter...
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"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

Truean

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39812 on: November 14, 2011, 02:18:48 pm »

While spending all your time here will keep you from new places, your loneliness can only be increased by distancing yourself from the friends you have. Also, I'd miss you.
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The kinda human wreckage that you love

Current Spare Time Fiction Project: (C) 2010 http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63660.0
Disclaimer: I never take cases online for ethical reasons. If you require an attorney; you need to find one licensed to practice in your jurisdiction. Never take anything online as legal advice, because each case is different and one size does not fit all. Wants nothing at all to do with law.

Please don't quote me.

MonkeyHead

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39813 on: November 14, 2011, 02:21:20 pm »

Grass isnt aways greener.

Bauglir

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39814 on: November 14, 2011, 03:11:23 pm »

Do whatcha gotta do, I suppose. You'll be missed if you leave, I assure you.

It'd give me an excuse to actually email you though since at present there's nothing to say that isn't already said in threads. Silver linings and all that? A pretty slim one.

Good luck in whatever you decide though.
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In the days when Sussman was a novice, Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.
“What are you doing?”, asked Minsky. “I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe” Sussman replied. “Why is the net wired randomly?”, asked Minsky. “I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play”, Sussman said.
Minsky then shut his eyes. “Why do you close your eyes?”, Sussman asked his teacher.
“So that the room will be empty.”
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.

RedKing

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39815 on: November 14, 2011, 04:22:46 pm »

For those of you who have so kindly listened to me for these past few years, I have to say this: I don't know how much more time I'll be here.  The more I write, the more I think "ah, this is a pond I am beginning to out-grow, and these are ideas I am beginning to become too big for."  I want to stay with my friends, and simultaneously I want to leave for new pastures.
Quick! We must dig the pond larger! Strike the earth!

It's absoutely your choice, but we'd miss you. A lot.
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Remember, knowledge is power. The power to make other people feel stupid.
Quote from: Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Science is like an inoculation against charlatans who would have you believe whatever it is they tell you.

Bdthemag

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39816 on: November 14, 2011, 04:41:56 pm »

Yeah, Bay12 would be a bit more boring without Vector around. Seriously, your like one of the most well renowned people in General Discussion.
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Well, you do have a busy life, what with keeping tabs on wild, rough-and-tumble forum members while sorting out the drama between your twenty two inner lesbians.
Your drunk posts continue to baffle me.
Welcome to Reality.

JoshuaFH

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39817 on: November 14, 2011, 04:44:38 pm »

I feel sad, despairingly so, because my temporary job is finally coming to an end. With this advent, I'm going to have to either go back to Saginaw to live with my Mom, or languish in joblessness elsewhere until my funds run dry, and then die in destitution.

Dying in destitution is looking pretty attractive right now though, because I really hate Saginaw. I hate it SO MUCH!

I don't want to live with my Mom, especially after having acquired a taste of independence, of being able to finally have my own privacy, and all the gratification of just living by myself. All of it is disappearing on Friday. POOF! Like that!

Despite the prospect of living with my Mom already being exceedingly emasculating, there are some other aspects of "Home-life" that I find truly detestable.

I have to learn to tolerate my Mom's obnoxious habits again. These include fits of rampant alcoholism (occasionally with prescribed medications that SHOULD NOT be taken with alcohol. This creates the unique effect of extreme delirium, complete disorientation, manic crying, and hallucinations), her frantic and unexplained fits of "depressed cleaning"... where she'll be cleaning the entire house and simultaneous damning life and bitching me out the entire time, and the fact that whenever she gets angry, she throws herself into a violent rage and is willing to kill me or any other person that isn't willing to apologize or doing whatever else it is that needs to be done to calm her down. Nevermind that she does all these things while having a severe gash in her back that renders her nearly crippled (from a botched surgery to, tragically enough, fix her back problems).

Then I hate being "Home" because it is the den of filth and sadness that I spent the last 3 years of my life, very literally, just being depressed and miserable. I can't even relate how many terrible memories I have of that place. I remember just languishing all day in my depression, too scared to leave the house and I felt too pathetic to actually motivate myself to find a job or bring in any kind of income or do anything productive. I remember my bouts of suicidal ideation lasting for weeks at a time, and then feeling even weaker and more pathetic for being too cowardly to actually carry any of it out. Just rotting away in that terrible house, I honestly felt there was no future, no place at all for me in the world. I definitely don't want to return to the place where all that happened, I subconsciously connect too many bad memories to the place.

Then I hate Saginaw itself. It's pox'd with ghettos, deserted buildings inhabited by squatters, failing factories... and that's not counting that among places in Michigan that are economically depressed, Saginaw is an especially depressed pit of a community marring the otherwise recovering mitten state. That's dodging my real concern though, and that's the statistically unavoidable likelihood that no matter what job I get in Saginaw, if I do get one at all godhelpme, I'm bound to run into one of my 'friends' from Highschool. I DESPISE... COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY LOATHE my..."Friends"... from Highschool. It's been so long, I'm sure they've all either forgotten me, and have become completely different people by now, but the petty and hateful part of my heart refuses to let go of that terrible era. That despicable era known as highschool that is incomparable in the amount of misery that it has wrought on my life and mindset. It was no window to higher education, just a four-year long curbstomp on my self-esteem that has taken four years to only START to recover from. They are all equally responsible as far as I'm concerned.

I can't bear to face any of them, my shame and my self-hatred is still so strong, they all got a headstart on me on acquiring independence and becoming responsible adults, while I faltered and failed in my pitiable hermeticism. Just the thought of encountering any of them makes the anger and anxiety well-up in my throat, and the panic to paint over my eyes. They are the only ones that have the knowledge to recognize me, and to see the complete failure that I am. I just want to live through life without having to experience that, to be reminded of the small and weak person that I am and flashback to that terrible era.

I just want to inhabit someplace other than Saginaw, the further the better. I'd settle though, for the neighboring community of Bay City. It truly is the quietest, cleanest, nicest town that can be built by lumberjacks and prostitutes. I'm pretty sure I'll be safe there. I'll need to see if I can strike a deal with one of my relatives living there, because housing, even just by myself, is still prohibitively expensive. I still need to work hard though, to strike out on my own.

I just need to motivate myself though, I hear all the time of people spending months and months looking for a job, and these are people that are intensely motivated to find a job, that have families to support and bright futures to work towards. If I could just make myself half as motivated as these people, I'm sure I could do it, I just need to work harder. I'm going back into hell though, it seems, and to avoid a sisyphean fate, I need to always be looking towards my next goal. Get job, get money, strike out on own, get out, move higher, and maybe, someday, I can escape the inferiority complex that has dominated my entire life.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2011, 04:49:56 pm by JoshuaFH »
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Vector

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39818 on: November 14, 2011, 05:50:59 pm »

I don't know if I'm going to leave or not.  It's just a feeling that some part of me is ready to do something new, and I don't know what form that novelty might take.  Is the pond that's too small the house where I'm currently living, or is it rhetoric, or is it my circle of friends?  What is expanding?  In which hermit-shell-house am I currently dwelling, anyway?

I have a pretty violently shifting personality.  I'll spend a year building and building something, and then I'll throw it all away and toss myself into some other pursuit for two years or more.  And that's part of what's happening right now.  I spent a year building a life with these roommates of mine, and now it's time to abandon it and go somewhere else.  The room of my mind is full of too many things to move forward.  I've learned some rhetoric, and soon enough it will be time to move on, back to mathematics--but first, a little dabbling in translation theory.

It's so odd to me.  I spent so many years trying to develop good judgment, to be a solid, stable person, rock-like in nature, and now it's suddenly become abundantly clear that I am not that person in any dimension.  And where I thought I was building crystal spires, it seems instead that I've been making wind chimes.  College has not moored me, but extirpated my anchors.

Every time this has happened before, I've lived without regrets.  It isn't a case of the grass being greener elsewhere.  It's that where I am, and how I am, no longer fits who I am.  Why stay in your shell when you're on the verge of being reborn?
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"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

Willfor

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39819 on: November 14, 2011, 06:01:40 pm »

Every time this has happened before, I've lived without regrets.  It isn't a case of the grass being greener elsewhere.  It's that where I am, and how I am, no longer fits who I am.  Why stay in your shell when you're on the verge of being reborn?

Spoiler: This is why (click to show/hide)

TRUE STORY
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In the wells of livestock vans with shells and garden sands /
Iron mixed with oxygen as per the laws of chemistry and chance /
A shape was roughly human, it was only roughly human /
Apparition eyes / Apparition eyes / Knock, apparition, knock / Eyes, apparition eyes /

JoshuaFH

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39820 on: November 14, 2011, 06:03:47 pm »

I have to profess adulation for Willfor's ingenuity and speed with MS Paint.
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Lord Shonus

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39821 on: November 14, 2011, 06:34:23 pm »

Also, there is a gigantic billboard on the highway reading: "Homosexuality is a sin, but Christ can save you."

:( Why don't these people do that whole "feed the hungry," thing with their money instead of the whole "harass the gays," thing....

Would that happen to be a Cedar Creek billboard? I know they've put up similar ones around here. Of course, this is the same mega-church that put out TV ads calling women useless.
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On Giant In the Playground and Something Awful I am Gnoman.
Man, ninja'd by a potentially inebriated Lord Shonus. I was gonna say to burn it.

Cthulhu

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39822 on: November 14, 2011, 06:46:02 pm »

I'm playing that PirateKart thing while Skyrim downloads.  Holy fuck these games are pretentious.

Being pretentious is one thing, but all of them do it in the same way.  Sparse graphics, a somewhat mournful song, and lots of wispy text.

The only good one is World Without Hunger: A Pretentious Art Game, because it's self aware.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2011, 06:48:31 pm by Cthulhu »
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Shoes...

The Merchant Of Menace

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39823 on: November 14, 2011, 07:13:27 pm »

There's a few halfway decent games in it.
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*Hugs*

Truean

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #39824 on: November 14, 2011, 08:25:19 pm »

Also, there is a gigantic billboard on the highway reading: "Homosexuality is a sin, but Christ can save you."

:( Why don't these people do that whole "feed the hungry," thing with their money instead of the whole "harass the gays," thing....

Would that happen to be a Cedar Creek billboard? I know they've put up similar ones around here. Of course, this is the same mega-church that put out TV ads calling women useless.

I honestly never invested the time to figure out who was doing it, but they suck.
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The kinda human wreckage that you love

Current Spare Time Fiction Project: (C) 2010 http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63660.0
Disclaimer: I never take cases online for ethical reasons. If you require an attorney; you need to find one licensed to practice in your jurisdiction. Never take anything online as legal advice, because each case is different and one size does not fit all. Wants nothing at all to do with law.

Please don't quote me.
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