I'm not sure how but I came to a realization.
I've sometimes, though not on here made a big deal about how hard I've had it in the past. How I wasn't given a chance, how I was pushed through so much piles of shit and how I just ended up terrible. That because I had a hellish time I was a horrible person, and that everything I had or felt I should have was a lie, I didn't deserve it, or I couldn't have or get it.
I've been realizing slowly, over time that I have had chances, I didn't take them all. I took some, I tried some. In the end I came out on top like I already knew. But I guess it's just the realization that so, so many things could of gone worse. When I look back I can see where it could of gone worse. I can see all the bullets I dodged just barely that even allowed me to come out in what shape I'm in even now. But I realize looking at this that this is the best I could of hoped to turn out.
It doesn't really make me happy looking at this. Not only did I waste so much time just bothered about it, or how I was or how my situation was going. There really wasn't anything I could do. I tried my best and this is the result. Even then I'm sure what I tried wasn't what I should of tried, but even then I couldn't make another choice. At all. I was stuck in this course since I started my teen years, despite having absolutely no control over it, like it or not.
So not only did I waste a lot of my life and time, I wasted effort. Is it worth being in this situation? I honestly think for all I've said, yes. I'd rather have this than any of the alternatives with how I was turning out. But do I want it to be better?
Yeah. I do. And that's what makes me weak. I'm just going to have to accept this all one day, no matter how much I tell myself I did I never have.
But I guess that's life and well... Hey. It could be worse. I saw the alternatives all the time, right in front of my face. So at least there's that.