I'm in the middle of the Summer of my life, drawing dangerously close to 25 years old. In a few days, more than a quarter of the time I can hope to get out of existence will have come and gone. I'm feeling old and disappointing.
Spent most of the day depressed, looking at where I am now and recognizing that, despite every other time in my life where I've recognized where I stood, I've not gotten much closer to my life-goals than I was then. I see how the worst and most persistent of my bad habits are as bad as they've ever been. I see (generally after the fact) the same brand of careless irresponsibility that's lead me to trouble in the past is still there. I notice that emotional gulf between myself and other people, and I feel it growing, making it harder to reach out. I feel like I'm drifting, distant and detached, and face a growing sense of disappointment with myself, and my life. Huh... guess I'm dissatisfied with how dissatisfied I am with myself too.
I'm keenly aware of how precious this shot at life is, and I want to make something of my time here. I want to leave this world and its people better off for having had me in it, and want to help up as many folks as I can, and point them in any directions I can vouch for, such that they can hopefully help themselves.
Despite having spent a lot of my time focusing on this, I can't help but feel that I'm neglecting my own life. For all my efforts to make others happy, provide advice, and hopefully help them find ways to reach their goals and improve their lives, I've neglected self-improvement... and when I do turn that energy inward, I don't feel inspired. I find it hard to push myself toward who and what I want to be, and don't know how best to proceed.
I'm getting older every day. One day, my life is going to be over, and I don't want to have what regrets I'm already experiencing, let alone more. I need to find direction, and as much as I want someone to swoop in and point it out, I know this is the sort of thing that needs to come from me. If it doesn't, I'm willfully sticking myself back in the same rut of looking for guidance and approval from elsewhere.
I know I want more out of my life... so why is it so hard to push myself toward the life I want?