Dammit, stupid KaelNinja.
Also, bleh. I hate myself. To be more precise, I hate a specific part of myself. My emotional responses and instincts are just absolutely fucked from a moral standpoint. I know I'm not bound to obey those. I mean, I am a human, it's kind of awesome that I have some capacity to say, "No, fuck you brain, I'm going to be not an asshat today." But that doesn't change that it really sucks to have to constantly remind myself how to avoid hurting people. My instincts tell me I should expect sex from being nice to girls, they tell me that eugenics sure sounds reasonable, they tell me that homosexuality is disgusting, they tell me that I'm better than anyone else and anybody who happens to do better than me at anything just got lucky, they tell me that it's okay to hurt people to get what I want, and just... bleh. Complete selfishness and hatred of anything that doesn't fit in with some arbitrarily defined category of "pleasant" that just happens to be the most reactionary and xenophobic piece of garbage imaginable.
I get that I don't have to be perfect, I don't even really have to be good. I just wish it weren't so frustrating to make myself be a decent human being, and I wish there weren't so much wrong with me that needed fixing. And more importantly, I wish I weren't so melodramatic about the whole thing, I mean really.