I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy!
I can't post anything serious in the sad thread and/or say anything melodramatic! That never works out! I need to be excited, I need to be happy! I can't enjoy myself if I keep a gloom on things! I need to sway my mood and look at all things positively. Just thinking about things doesn't really get me anywhere.
Hmpf, well that didn't work. You think taking a substance will help me? Yeah right, I highly doubt doing something like that would ever help me in the long run. I think they're right when depressed people are pretty harmless since they wouldn't ever do anything extreme. Mostly that's because there's a huge lack of energy or motivation for anything. Sigh, I feel depressed. I think there's something wrong with me. During this weekend I did a lot of crazy things like most notable going night-time fishing and getting caught, shooting a crossbow, and going over the neighbor's and winning a chess game with somebody. It was all something I've never done before however I never looked or sounded all too excited during it. In fact I didn't feel too excited either. Everything I do is wrong.
I was just reminded of something. When my Dad picked me up Friday he was really funny. Actually, he made a joke funny enough to make my chest hurt. I think the only reason it hurt was because I never laughed like that in a long time. Anyway, I actually received some stimulus when my Dad made a comment about the lake we go out fishing on is actually a flooded town from a dam project. That actually made me react emotionally a bit since I was like "hahaha what are the chances" in my head since Higurashi had a plot point like that. Coincidences like that always stir me.
Speaking of that, another situation that always makes me feel good every time is a book store. No where has felt enough like Heaven if Heaven is a place to feel happy in. I think it's mostly just from the overload of just stuff around you. That's probably why I slept for 14 hours today, going over my neighbors house was just crazy stimuli since they were having another birthday party and everything.
Hmmmm, even that doesn't really sound that good.
Oh right, at my Dad's there are chickens everywhere! I step outside and there are craptons of chickens walking around like it's some damn rural area. I saw ducks too. Apparently coyotes kill some during the night and there are bears at night so I never go outside when it's dark out. Like if I hear any rumbling right now no way in hell am I going to go investigate.
Hm, well the thing with the chickens. I guess that gave me a "strange new world" kind of experience. The kind of experience that I would want. I don't know about you but I'm kind of sick of everything. I know I should be able to "go out" and "explore" however can't really do that with my life. Oh sure I can if I really really wanted to but wouldn't I just end up like Chris McCandless or something? Plus nature isn't really my thing. I don't know what is my thing, being a douche bag? I'm a douche bag.
Maybe there's some brain chemical that's causing this? I know I'm only allowed to blame myself but if I really want to be happy and I'm not becoming happy isn't there something wrong going on here? Maybe I'm not motivated enough, ah it's motivation again! Fuck me, I don't feel good. I'm just going to stumble around in misery breaking up inside.
...In March sometime, I think it was near the end of March. I totally broke down while in bed. I'm not sure why I did, however it could have been because I finally reacted to losing my home and cats or something else, I don't know. Either way, I baw'd my eyes out and tried to do it discreetly so that nobody in the house heard because that's so Toony. After awhile I started laughing, I don't know what it sounded like but I know I started to laugh. I was laughing because I was crying, I could feel my heart shatter.
It took me a little while to recover from that. I started to delude myself from reality and made up that the world around me was just another world and I could escape to another. This involved trying to react to people that weren't there and so on, to support the charade. I thought in my heart if I believed in a reality then it really would come true, like 100% full-on believe. But I guess that would be a delusion huh?
Well anyway, after March I just lived on? Move on or die, I guess. From that point on I never had another big problem afterwards. I was living on with my life, living and stuff. And then I graduate High School, go me. And now going to College, hurray? No this doesn't make me happy at all. I can't even pretend to be happy. I don't care about going to College. I don't care about anything.
And then, last Thursday I lost myself again for a large part of the day. I can never do it when anybody is home but since nobody is home at my Grandmother's house it wasn't very difficult. I just shut myself down held up in a ball in the living room, not crying or anything. Just shut down, despair. My Grandmother's cat was there but I don't really care if a cat sees me in that state. Thankfully, my Dad called Friday morning and he came and picked me up for the weekend which helped me stay stable.
I really don't know if going to College will improve me or screw me up more. I guess it's up to me to decide, right? Well in that case I choose the former! Why is it that if I can make that choice it still may not go my way? I really really want it to go my way but if it doesn't then I can't change that. I'm hoping College will be a good thing for me, mostly in the social aspect. I'm getting a cellphone so that'll be neat, aww yeah 18 year old getting his first cellphone. How do you work this thing?! Hehehe.
Yeah I don't know why I can still say things like that. I guess it's the last thing I have going for me, hehehe. I really like no conflict zones. Keep everything lighthearted and fun. I don't know why my Mom and Step-Dad have to fight so much. That's another reason why I like going to my Dad's. I always do something new or crazy I guess. Crazy stuff like going to a neighbor's birthday party!
Even with 14 hours of sleep I have received no energy. I know oversleeping has ranging effects from being more tired, to being more awake, to turning your skin green. One thing I know that's always true is that doing something will have an infinite number of results according to a variety of people, that's why I just don't care about that. Sigh, hmmm. This hasn't helped at all. I wish I was a louder person. That way when I see some depressed douche bag sighing at me I can be like "WHOOOOO CARES HAHAHAHA" or something.
I think I want to cuddle in a corner.
I can't do that though, my Brother is just in the other room. People being able to see my feelings is bad! Bad bad Toony! Nobody can know except strangers on the internet! Nah, I wouldn't consider Bay12 strangers. Maybe the lurkers and guests are strangers but not the members. I know I hate some of you guys but all of you are probably the people that see me talking the most. I have no idea how I wound up in this situation but I think I need help. I know Bay12 won't be able to help me since the other 90% of my life is the real life. I need to go get help from there. But...
I don't like showing my feelings and I don't like dramatic atmospheres. These are the two reasons why I find myself unable to say anything. I know if I told anybody close it would create a serious atmosphere and I don't want that. I want everybody to be happy and carefree. There's no reason to worry about me, that's why I'm telling my problems on the internet! Indirect confrontation would be unacceptable as well, sigh.
Sigh.
Need...to...make post...more melodramatic. Don't worry about me guys. I'm just typing this to feel better about myself...you don't have to care at all. I'm trying to subside this with humor but I guess that's easy to see? It's hard being subtle sometimes.
No way I can tell my Dad! Maybe my Mom and Step-Dad but not my real Dad! That's why if I feel like sharing my feelings I would need to do it when I get home. I don't think it should matter for my Dad since I don't live with him anyway. And most of all, my Dad I think is really proud of me and I don't want to disappoint him. I guess the same goes for my Mom and Step-Dad but I really can't take it anymore. I need to cry. Real crying, not "watching a sappy movie" crying. I think crying is the emotional outlet for the human body and I've been keeping it on tap since March. And before March for that, and so on. Although I don't remember it ever being in front of people. Maybe when I was like 13 or 14, anyway...
I'm sad.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9792600 times)