I don't know how common or not it is, but I understand what you're saying.
Thanks bro, this was kinda what I needed. I would normally be posting in the happy thread about the actual event and all the goodness of seeing my brother again, but this is becoming more and more of a frightening feeling. It also sorta cumulated to a frightening climax of despair where I realized a large part of my anxiety is from a fear of being pointless, that nobodies life would be any worse if I was not around. I should probably post what I told some close friends about fears over lacking talent or skill in any appreciable field soon to see how prevalent and helpful it could be.
And also in the depths of despair on the ramparts of a castle wall came a scary thought that I had not felt since elementary school stemming from the idea that nobody really cares if I'm around or not. How easy it would be to jump off the wall.
I ran as quickly as I could back to the after party. That is not the mood or thought to entertain when standing on a tall wall.
I'm doing better this morning but I still don't have anybody to talk to about this, probably out of the same familiarity that made me not sense this mood back at home. I only have you guys until somebody comes to me to talk about this, proving this poisonous idea wrong with their caring.